95% probability for autism

march 12, 2024 

i am moving forward with getting assessed for autism.

an associate of mine shared some links for online quizzes that can help with an informal assessment of neurodivergence. i scored likely autistic for all of them. 

they made me cry, because there are things i have already learned to do to navigate the world more successfully. no one taught them to me; i had to learn the hard ways or i learned through punishment. 

when people make you feel like your emotions are a burden, then you learn to deal with them in such a way as to not provoke an undesirable reaction. i always had friends i could talk with, but i often minimized my own experiences, because i always felt that what other people were going through was more important--probably also because of the way i was parented to be aware or prepared for sudden mood shifts in my mother that could lead to verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. 

i was thinking of the times i had an annoyed response to a fellow atypical who often posts about her experiences on fb looking for support. her question today was how people deal with the loneliness of not being able to be physically part of a community. i didn't understand the question, and that already annoyed me lol. but then i started just wondering what she meant. did she mean because she doesn't have a vehicle? did she mean because she doesn't have friends nearby? what community?

because in my experience, i have formed community through the friends i've made. and i don't really need much physical time with them. which is why i was so content during the lockdown phase of the pandemic; i loved using technology to keep in touch with people. it was less draining not to have to leave my home. there were fewer barriers to doing what i love doing with my friends--which is just sharing and processing what we've been thinking about and going through! of course it's wonderful to be able to hug people. and maybe it's the burnout, but i was content not to have to go to as many places.

but we're all different, and just because someone else's needs are not the same as mine doesn't mean my neurotype is any less valid. 

it's a lot to process. when my therapist first mentioned (in passing, really), that i was likely undiagnosed with ADHD growing up, it was such a lightning strike moment of realization. 

my whole life i have had to deal with feeling like i will never be good enough to succeed. because i don't want to work my life away doing a job i can't stand. i don't want to have to perform for others to earn money. and i have a hard time understanding why more people aren't rebelling against the structures in society that don't make sense for any of us. like the normal working week hours. 40 is too much. it's especially too much for me. 

i haven't been able to find a job. i haven't even been able to find much that interests me. it's disheartening, and all i can do is keep looking, and stay open to finding something. 

but the longer i go without working as a therapist, the less inclined i am to return to it. i don't want to listen to trauma all day. i don't want to deal with insurance companies. i don't want to deal with licensure and ongoing education. i am exhausted. i am tired of having to prove my insights. i am just tired. and i've not experienced an outcome that makes up at all for the amount of effort and struggle that goes into tring to follow the conventional therapist path. at no point did that career trajectory feel like something sustainable. how long do we have to suffer through things before we're allowed to reach a comfortable level? is every career path the same sort of struggle? is it all just a goddamn struggle? then i'd rather struggle on more of my own terms.

the past couple days i have felt very alone, even though i am reaching out and still trying to connect with my friends. 

i'm mad at neighbor dude for abandoning me. mad at how careless he was with my emotions. it's almost like he assumes that because i'm older, i don't have emotional attachment like women his age? which of course is not true. but even my interactions with him make more sense after the quizzes i took.

there was a question that said "i have had sex even when i didn't want to because i was convinced to," or something along those lines. that was the second or third time during the course of taking the quiz that i cried. 

sometimes i feel pressure to have sex even when the pressure is not coming from the other person. but that's not strange to me, as a woman, living in this world, and being subject to sexual assault and vicarious assault. but that's part of why i really appreciate sexual partners who do understand the importance of enthusiastic consent.

besides, most people truly don't understand what it means to want orgasms rather than sex. and sometimes my body doesn't know the difference either--it just wants to feel good, and i go along with things because it's easier than trying to form into words what is actually happening in my body. which is just that i am aroused and would like to climax. which doesn't require the other person, and more often than not is not achieved through someone else's efforts. 

it was shocking to me that my first time with my neighbor could be so gratifying. but our second time having sex was more like what i'm used to--interruptions that make it hard to stay in the moment. he was dealing with being in his head, and i am always fighting with mine to remain present. i thought we were becoming closer. but for him, it was being caught up in the moment. i was so disappointed and hurt the next day. and angry. it's always hard when people aren't being honest, or when they can't be fully honest with themselves. 

yesterday i had regular coffee at 9am, but still couldn't wind down by the time i was going to bed. i worked out late, finished my shower around 9pm. i did the whole bedtime routine and remembered to floss too. but it was after 6am before i could finally fall asleep, and that was after i finally took a melatonin. i woke around noon, still tired, but managed to get up. (i had gotten up earlier and completed some duo lingo, but then fell back to sleep). 

today i just feel very sensitive. everything is making me cry. my stomach doesn't feel great. 

but i have a call set up with a friend to explore more about the disability application process, and just to get some support with my own disabilities. i took a troche, and i will do some paid work if i can today, but i'm not going to be hard on myself. i need this time to concentrate on my needs, and i don't want to let anything make me feel like that's not valid. 

i think the hardest thing about being an adult is correcting all the parenting mistakes your parents made, and parenting yourself instead of relying on the internal voices based on what the adults around you told you as a child. 

even more recently, i remember my mother saying, "kiki doesn't want to work" to someone. i can't recall who. but it made me so fucking angry. like bitch you didn't want to work either, but you made decisions that forced you to have to earn a certain level of money because of capitalism. i can somewhat imagine the grief one would experience if they were no longer able to do the thing that brought them so much joy, and that so much of their lives had been built around up to a certain point. my mom not being able to dance probably led to all kinds of psychological things. and i'm sure she would downplay it--like she just had to do what she had to do, and she adjusted. but that's how out of touch my mom is with uncomfortable emotions. she wasn't able to regulate her own, because she had parents who couldn't either, and then she passed that along to me. well, sort of. the saving grace in our parent-child relationship was that she was an artist, and supported all of my artistic inclinations. if it hadn't been for those outlets, i am positive i would have killed myself by now. 

last night i kept feeling like i had to separate from noah. i just...i don't know how to financially. but emotionally, i feel ready. i want to be able to have my nephews over whenever i feel like it. i want to make plans with friends, and not have to worry about someone else being here, or feeling awkward. i want to have more parties. i want to host more dinners. i want to walk around my house naked regularly, and sing at the top of my lungs whenever i goddamn need to. i can't do those things with him here. the only reason we are living together is financial. for a little while, it was the anxiety of getting through the pandemic. but we got through the hardest parts. and he still has no desire to take any responsibility for his own maladaptive domestic behaviors. and it's just exhausting living with someone who isn't as self-aware as i am. i feel like i have to manage around his emotions, and i am tired of doing that. i just want to focus on myself in all aspects of the phrase. i don't want him to benefit from my efforts. i want to be the sole beneficiary of my work. well. you know what i mean. i realize all my loved ones benefit from my emotional labor, but i am just tired of not being able to live the way i need to. 

and that makes me cry. even today, i wanted to get up in time to do my vocal exercises, but because my sleep schedule got messed up, i missed the window of time when noah was out of the house. so now i can't sing. and i don't really feel like i can even share with him what i'm dealing with, because he doesn't actually have the skillset to be supportive. like what would make me feel better is if you go organize the basement so i don't have to. but that's not going to happen. lol

it makes me angry that i longed for something for so long because of the culture i was immersed in, rather than my true desires. 

the whole reason i even moved in with noah is because i thought i wanted to experience that. well, i did want to try it out. i just didn't take into account that i have always struggled with finance, and might be getting into a situation i couldn't get out of. 

i don't see a path forward for that. if i do end up on disability, i'll still be working part time, and i'll have limited funds. if i end up with subsidized housing, i have to deal with neighbors, and i'm only a small cry from where i am now, which is a place where i don't feel i can be my full self because i'm always worrying about the neighbors, or i don't have privacy, so i can't do what i want to outside or whatever. 

it shouldn't be that difficult to find a little house near a creek with enough room and enough trees surrounding it. that i can own and maintain on a meager income. that's all i want. i just want my single-level house with a functional art studio space and garage, that has at least one guest space and ample space for me to garden and grow flowers, with a sun porch for my kitty (cats). i want to earn money enough to eat well, travel, host dinners, keep my community group going, and afford the things that make my heart happy. i don't want to worry about how i'm going to survive. i just want to exist and be peaceful, and step outside my little bubble to connect with my people when i need to. that's what i want to manifest--my home. my future. the rest of my happy little life.