when you have a poor mattress
7/6/09
when you have a poor mattress that will inevitably cause back pain (middle of my back, not lower, not my neck), then you develop an aversion to climbing into bed although your body wants nothing more than to sleep. or maybe i'm just a bit insomniatic lately.
for three days i was having tactile hallucinations. it felt like there was something biting or stinging parts of my skin. not many things at once, just one spot and when i touched the spot, it went away. but i really thought i was going crazy.
my thesis (which i have yet to finish, but am still indirectly working on) had to do with the language of touch. well--that was the idea my advisor came up with to give it a thread. i had a collection of stories about friends and lovers and described the ways i interacted and learned from them. obviously the lover bits were a little juicier, but i was always trying to get to a point.
it's interesting to me how much sex complicates relationships. i suppose it doesn't have to. but i know myself well enough to realize that i can't usually have a superficial bond with someone. but it's also interesting to me how many of my guy friends have at some point (or originally--it being the reason i got to know them!) been a crush.
you spend years trying to figure out relationships as an observer, you form theories that you can't wait to try out. but the type of relationship you think you want never actually manifests. and what you do encounter is just as complex and ridiculous and beneficial. but i've come to the conclusion that it is a good idea to get involved with someone after you've become friends. that whole "we knew each other for along time before we realized there was an attraction." for me, that has never happened. in the time i've spent getting to know people i either lose the sexual attraction that might have orignially been there, or i have to learn to get over my attraction because the person does not and will not ever reciprocate.
i've learned a lot about my own ego through the relationships i've had. and i've learned that most of my hurt has been a result of my ego--not true heartbreak. this was a liberating revelation. and i still believe that a strong relationship has to develop as a strong friendship.
i remember a friend of mine describing a relationship he had with another friend of mine. he didn't see it developing further because he felt she was only able to attempt intimacy through sex. as in--the only way she knew how to be closer to him was to initiate sex. i've known a few guys that have dated girls that they couldn't talk to--couldn't truly communicate with. looking back it's so obvious it was just attraction pulling them together. but what was it that made it end? whose ego was hurt? whose heart?
i was never at an age where i imagined the person i had a crush on being the one. sure i've placed other people's last names after my first, but i never imagined the future with someone. growing old with someone. i never believed in relationships lasting. and sometimes i have to wonder if i'm not the one who won't allow them to last. but most of the time i'm confident that i haven't met many men who've attracted me on a level necessary to want to invest time and emotion.
and really, when you don't grow up believing in the "grow up, find mate, get married, career, kids" tradition, then what model are you left with? most of the people around me have eventually followed this model. and sometimes, moreso now that i'm older, i feel some sort of unspoken pressure to conform to this model. but i don't want to. i don't want to need to. it doesn't feel right.
call it selfish, but i ike being able to explore who i am without getting caught up in any partnership that would break me if it were lost. call it pride, but i'd like to know that i can do it on my own.
and my mother informed me a week ago that she's not going to hold back from encouraging me to get married. great. good to know i have my mother's support.
sure it would be great to learn with someone. sure it would be great to share myself, my time, my living space. but perhaps i'm more of a window shopper than a comittment gal. and i'm alright with that. and i wish there were more examples of people thriving without romance hallmarking their already absurd, fulfilling, crazy lives. i mean--does everybody believe they are ultimately supposed to end up with one person? many people are with me through chapters of my life. those that manage to stay longer (and it isn't many) remain friends. but my passion must be my own, and i have yet to meet someone who compliments it without eventually distracting it.
when you have a poor mattress that will inevitably cause back pain (middle of my back, not lower, not my neck), then you develop an aversion to climbing into bed although your body wants nothing more than to sleep. or maybe i'm just a bit insomniatic lately.
for three days i was having tactile hallucinations. it felt like there was something biting or stinging parts of my skin. not many things at once, just one spot and when i touched the spot, it went away. but i really thought i was going crazy.
my thesis (which i have yet to finish, but am still indirectly working on) had to do with the language of touch. well--that was the idea my advisor came up with to give it a thread. i had a collection of stories about friends and lovers and described the ways i interacted and learned from them. obviously the lover bits were a little juicier, but i was always trying to get to a point.
it's interesting to me how much sex complicates relationships. i suppose it doesn't have to. but i know myself well enough to realize that i can't usually have a superficial bond with someone. but it's also interesting to me how many of my guy friends have at some point (or originally--it being the reason i got to know them!) been a crush.
you spend years trying to figure out relationships as an observer, you form theories that you can't wait to try out. but the type of relationship you think you want never actually manifests. and what you do encounter is just as complex and ridiculous and beneficial. but i've come to the conclusion that it is a good idea to get involved with someone after you've become friends. that whole "we knew each other for along time before we realized there was an attraction." for me, that has never happened. in the time i've spent getting to know people i either lose the sexual attraction that might have orignially been there, or i have to learn to get over my attraction because the person does not and will not ever reciprocate.
i've learned a lot about my own ego through the relationships i've had. and i've learned that most of my hurt has been a result of my ego--not true heartbreak. this was a liberating revelation. and i still believe that a strong relationship has to develop as a strong friendship.
i remember a friend of mine describing a relationship he had with another friend of mine. he didn't see it developing further because he felt she was only able to attempt intimacy through sex. as in--the only way she knew how to be closer to him was to initiate sex. i've known a few guys that have dated girls that they couldn't talk to--couldn't truly communicate with. looking back it's so obvious it was just attraction pulling them together. but what was it that made it end? whose ego was hurt? whose heart?
i was never at an age where i imagined the person i had a crush on being the one. sure i've placed other people's last names after my first, but i never imagined the future with someone. growing old with someone. i never believed in relationships lasting. and sometimes i have to wonder if i'm not the one who won't allow them to last. but most of the time i'm confident that i haven't met many men who've attracted me on a level necessary to want to invest time and emotion.
and really, when you don't grow up believing in the "grow up, find mate, get married, career, kids" tradition, then what model are you left with? most of the people around me have eventually followed this model. and sometimes, moreso now that i'm older, i feel some sort of unspoken pressure to conform to this model. but i don't want to. i don't want to need to. it doesn't feel right.
call it selfish, but i ike being able to explore who i am without getting caught up in any partnership that would break me if it were lost. call it pride, but i'd like to know that i can do it on my own.
and my mother informed me a week ago that she's not going to hold back from encouraging me to get married. great. good to know i have my mother's support.
sure it would be great to learn with someone. sure it would be great to share myself, my time, my living space. but perhaps i'm more of a window shopper than a comittment gal. and i'm alright with that. and i wish there were more examples of people thriving without romance hallmarking their already absurd, fulfilling, crazy lives. i mean--does everybody believe they are ultimately supposed to end up with one person? many people are with me through chapters of my life. those that manage to stay longer (and it isn't many) remain friends. but my passion must be my own, and i have yet to meet someone who compliments it without eventually distracting it.
"and really, when you don't grow up believing in the 'grow up, find mate, get married, career, kids' tradition, then what model are you left with?"
ReplyDeleteYou are left to construct your own model! Much more fun, flexible and creative :)
yes, of course jess! that's my point. but the lingering pressure of that old model still comes around like an unwanted ghost sometimes and i have to exorcise it!
ReplyDelete