when i'm not ready for sleep

November 14, 2018

2am on a school night i can't, don't wanna close my eyes. it's nice to be tucked into something exciting and hopeful and still full of possibility.

when people ask about my passion,
i get angry because i don't have one,
i don't have none, i just have
these ways of doing
that seem to be compatible with
what i want for myself, what i need to be happy.
i wanna understand what happy is to you
i wanna support your efforts to make it for yourself
i wanna let you love me
even if it's only for the time being.

i didn't really mean to break into song there. i am looking forward to composing some new songs with my new guitarist. i want to play with tempos and melodies and layers and harmonies. i want to strengthen my voice and enjoy its full power again, without the aid of social lubricant. i'm hoping this can be a good outlet for managing stress.

for a minute i really thought i would be able to refrain from anything sexual...i think i'm kidding myself if i really think i could even be platonic...with someone i do find attractive? no. not if he is into me too. so this is me admitting that if the  right circumstances are there, and the chemistry is too, i am not opposed to dating. i am cool with seeing how that goes again. i think i've had a reasonable amount of time to grow from my last relationship(s). and i think i have a better idea of what i need. but also understand with certain things i have to be open. regardless, even if the current situation does not lead to dating, it's me putting myself out there. it's me taking a reasonable risk if i am to learn anything more first-hand about being a healthy partner.

i know i have a lot more to offer than sex. i just also want to really be able to enjoy sex. monogamously. with someone not quite as horny as they were ten years ago.

there's too much in my head. breathe.