inventory

well, it's about that time again.  no--actually, it isn't.  but i keep reflecting upon things because i have had at least three people whom i love contact me in crisis, and when i'm sharing the love to help others through rough spots, it always makes me take a look at my own life as well, just to check and make sure i shouldn't be having a nervous breakdown again.

usually, when i think i feel like whining about something, all i have to do is think about the people starving/dying/struggling somewhere else in the world, and i remember that i have little to complain about.  the most constant struggle for me is the daily threat of conformity--the voice that tells me, over and over, how much easier things would be if i were just to settle down and behave as if the american dream were mine as well.  go for the husband.  the house.  the car.  the stable job.  go back to school for a degree in business or marketing.  get pregnant and settle down with a man who loves me as long as i don't gain more weight.  buy a hybrid so my status symbol is still eco-friendly.  yeah...no fucking thank you.

here's where i am:  i am 30, living at home, suffering from a netflix addiction, single (with only one semi-serious relationship within the past six years), an adjunct faculty at a community college with no possibility of full-time work in sight, a part-time cashier at a gas station for a healthcare plan that wouldn't do much good if something really went wrong, overweight (which doesn't bother me as much as it used to because i know i can change it if i want to), and i have no clue as to what the next five years will be like.  i've got little ambition other than doing what it takes to be happy, and that is about the only thing motivating my personal evolution.  but here's the thing--i am totally okay with all this.  i like that i'm rebellious against what i perceive society expects of me at this point in my life.  i like that i'm still out there, meeting new people, making friends, collecting stories and experiences, staying up too late, missing out on sleep, playing with the fifty-thousand little ideas that tango through my consciousness daily, and occasionally do something that does make me feel like i have a purpose outside of just living my own little life.  

i might be being a little modest.  i am an educator, though there is about one student per semester whom i really feel i've done something amazing for.  i am a singer, though few people have gotten goosebumps from my voice in the past year.  i am a damn good friend, though my time with the people i love is spread thin. 

point is, i'm my own worst critic (i haven't put myself down here as well as i usually do).  but when i look at what i have accomplished, how i have progressed over the past couple years, i cannot deny that there has been growth and change--the only essential ingredient that, combined with self-awareness, is necessary for steady movement toward contentment.  because, let's face it, i'm never going to have my dream house.  i'll probably never get that record deal.  shit, i probably won't even ever be able to drive a prius.  but i will always have family (well, until the older ones die off and i take their place--but then i'll have nieces and nephews too).  i will always have amazing friends who, in a heartbeat, would be by my side if i developed cancer and had a week to live.  i will always have these words to look back on and remind me of the life i have LIVED.  fuck goals--i'm doing a good job of living in the moments as they rush by.  and despite all of the silly things that have a way of making me feel like i'm a loser, or like i will never reach my potential, or like i've wasted my time and talents, i know that i've carved out a life for myself through the connections i've made, both internally and externally.  and i'm pretty sure that even though we don't get to take anything with us when we leave this world, the experiences that have enriched and aged my soul will remain and help me through the next life.

so to all you people out there who feel lost, or who feel ashamed because you aren't where you thought you would be by the time you reached whatever age you are--remember that you are only supposed to BE.  and whether it's life or fate or karma or chaos that has aided you in reaching the position where you are now, it's pretty fucking amazing that you are here at all, and that you've managed to absorb what you have of this life and the things around you.  think of that and think of the people's lives you've touched, and how much nicer the world is with you in it.  that's what gets me through.  well...that, and the occasional piece of dark chocolate.