more stuff

12/18/21

i could not resist. i got a new credit card. a low balance for it, 25% is twice what i just spent on some items i have wanted. i did a mixture of home furnishings, necessities for eating, threw in a real silver pair of earrings, and reminded myself i don't have to get all the things at once. this haul. this one needs to be the last bigger purchase for a while i need a plan for the times i allow myself to splurge. a more regimented schedule for spending so much on myself. 

i have all i need. these new items will support my comfort. my sense of style. my desire for things that bring me joy. things that make me feel beautiful.

but as of the new year, i gotta reign it back in. it's been fun spending. treating myself to things i enjoy. being a little materialistic. it doesn't vring me the kind of peace i feel when i just ait and enjoy being. but i don't think all beautiful things are superfluous. rather that they are part of the gorgeous mess this little planet is. 

and i am done trying to be the best. the least. the smallest. i'm not trying to be a hoarder either, but i feel like i am living a little, and it feels nice.

i have so enjoyed gathering gifts to give to my family. for my loved ones. these things don't make up for any suffering. they don't cure the struggle. but they are offerings nonetheless. tokens of my love. objects that are part of the rituals we have created in our efforts to be together. 

and now it will feel nice to keep stashing. keep setting aside little bits. toward a home. toward travel. toward the future. not stopping all luxury altogether, mind you. but enjoying what i have--making use of it all, and continuing to tuck bits away so that i have this wonderful, immense cushion for the just in cases and the eventuallies and the post-pandemic next-level radness that is coming my way. keep it coming.