performative
March 12, 2024 *CW: self harm * * * * * my cousin wrote, "the greatest role i ever played was that of a happy man." after his suicide, i sought therapy, because by the age of 17, passive suicidality had already become my normal, and recognizing in the faces of the people you love how wounded they are by the loss of someone makes you wonder if there are ways to stick around so that you don't hurt the people you love. but then you hurt the people you love because you are not who they expect you to be. or they really like certain parts of you that compliment the parts of themselves they like to showcase. but you learn that disappointment works both ways because of these unspoken narratives and impressions other people have of you, while you are this, indeed, magical being with such capacity for empathy and compassion, but who struggles giving that to herself because she exists in a society that was never designed with people like her in mind, bur rather these fictional arche