typing is so much better

this is better than using my phone to type.

may 9, 2022

i just got back from a monday morning outing. i woke refreshed when my alarm went off, but then ran into some sourness when i started my routine in the kitchen. 

i noticed the other day that there were some things in the kitchen slightly askew, and realized that noah had probably been frustrated trying to find the coffee filters. the bottom drawer of the microwave stand was slightly open, and when i went to feed tina, i tried to push it the rest of the way closed. but it was stuck as though something that had been on the shelf had fallen back, and lodged itself between the back of the drawer shelf and the back of the stand. i attempted to pull the drawer out more to fix the issue, and a glass casserole dish fell from being stuck, and shattered on the tiled floor. tina was of course just swarming, waiting to be fed, and unaware of the glass that posed a potential threat to her tiny paws. noah helped to remove her, as i went about cleaning up. he remarked that the microwave stand was poorly designed. i agreed. i didn't offer that the reason i had it was that it had been left at my house, and i did need a place to set the microwave that wouldn't compromise even more counter space. 

i would like a big, shallow but very wide/long drawer where i can keep a bunch of my utensils, directly beneath the workspace where i would use them. i want a countertop that it easy to clean, antimicrobial, antibacterial (or easy to clean to disinfect and remove food particles), that is very open, equal in length to the width of that big, shallow utensil drawer. near my stove, i would like for my skillets and pots to hang. the dutch oven and the like would have their own cupboard, where they would fit on those sliding shelves that have replaced the outdated cupboards you see in most rentals in this area. every pot would have a place to sit without having to move a different pot, everything readily accessible. i think a spice rack would be nice, except i don't want to reach beyond the stovetop to get them. i would rather they be up to the right or left. the cupboard i have now for herbs and spices is nice, but too small. i need about the same design but doubled in width, and adjusted to have a wedge, so that you can see and reach back to things behind other bottles. 

you enter into a space that is supposed to be home, and you make it yours as best you can. you make adjustments over time according to the ways that you adapt to move, to flow, within that space. you find a rhythm that supports your wellness, and you keep tweaking it. you need time to settle in. to get to know a space. i realize my things have no soul, but they have orientations that make me feel better in the space, and i am still learning how to not have too much stuff, because of what i observed and was taught growing up, in a space where two people had started to make it their own, but then somewhere along the way were no longer a team, but two individuals who were starting to doubt that they could make it work. 

i'm very emotional. i saw a dead squirrel in the middle of the road on my way home, and it made me tear up. it wasn't those heaping sobs, just that gentle whimper, trying to remain focused on driving so as not to drive dangerously. on a monday morning, on a well-traveled, 2-lane road that runs between my neighborhood and a couple of the shopping plazas in the closest "city" north of pittsburgh. but i was coming back and saw that squirrel, and of course then became so aware of all the squirrels and roadkill along the way, and just felt so sad for the lack of reverence for life. for the life that is here. not for the possibility of a life beyond this complex planet--but here, all around us now, at any moment if we would only move slowly enough to appreciate it all. 

so that opened the gates to the profound sadness that comes with the human condition. it's nice to feel connected, but it's so hard, every day, to accept what you must, identify what can change, take the steps and keep moving forward. 

i thought i might like to go for a walk. it's a sunny day. i have nice tennishoes that i can wear out along a simple trail, not far from here. my concern is that it'll be populated. that's why it's nice to go with noah, so that no one else will bother me. it's only briefly that i would encounter someone, but it's different when you walk alone. it's different coming into contact with strangers when you have a walking buddy. it's smoother. 

oh and i was so upset that dunkin. i got a mostly milk latte, and had to wait to get home to mix in enough coffee. i wasn't going to waste that plastic. i did manage to recycle my plastic bags! i had all of them in the back seat of my car, and i remembered to go by the clearview giant eagle to drop them off. so that was a small victory. 

my mother gave me another chair and basically two crates of papers that were still in her house. they need to both go into the basement, and ultimately need to be gone through and better stored. i know one solution would be to scan everything into a computer file. there is just so much knowledge in them. so much experience. it's hard to throw away what is some of the only concrete proof of my intelligence. no--not that. my work. my life's work. i worked for my degrees. i worked to get my brain to digest and process all these ideas. 

the episode of 30 rock i was watching last night had democrats against republicans in terms of ideas versus money. that's not as eloquently described as it could be, but it portrayed democrats once again as these kind of lofty-brained impoverished people, who once presented with an opportunity to satiate their desires for a better life through ephemeral consumption, then complain about things that are still the direct result of capitalism, and only succeed in perpetuating the same structures that would have them at a severe economic disadvantage from that one percent. 

it's hard to talk about a lack of value of living beings when people still argue over what human beings are more important than others. and when people are bringing church into state, as though they can select the parts they feel are good to keep in terms of the documents that form the basis of our law system. heavy eye roll. it's so fucking stupid. this patriarchy. this oppressive, hierarchical, oligarchical republic that we've been born into. born into this dysfunctional fucking dysphoric united states. 

but now i'm listening to flamenco, and i still have plenty of time before therapy. i want to work on putting up the rack to hold the broom et al, but i don't want to disturb poor noah, who seems fragile today. he expressed that he was frustrated because he felt like his routine was going to have to change. and ultimately, he was feeling forced into another change that he did not really ask for. but it isn't as thought i haven't been saying for months that i would be switching to a morning shift. i do try to prepare him for certain changes, because i know how hard it is for him to adapt. 

and the bit of anger that comes up with that is related to how it makes me feel when he says those things that he has no appreciation for how much i have really had to adapt to live with him. it's just another reminder of how unequal it is here in terms of the effort we're putting in, and i do resent that. but i simultaneously accept that this is how it is, and i just adapt as best i can, while also demanding certain spaces be mine alone, and he would be welcome to create an additional man-cave, where he wouldn't have to be disturbed by me walking through the room. 

ultimately, if he needs to move out, then he needs to find a job, and that is also on him. so i just try to stay over here, doing my thing. 

and today that was going to return some shoes that were too big, replace them with two pairs of sandals that were very comfy and flat, and that fit properly, recycle a crapton of plastic grocery bags, get myself a fancy, sugary coffee and a breakfast croissant, enjoy wearing one of my new shirts, and spend some time in the car, where it was sunny and quiet, alongside the hum of the engine and the whir of the tires of the road, the wind coming through the windows. the utter calm of cruising along with nowhere to be. 

i came home to write a note to leave on my neighbor's car, because i've been meaning to introduce myself to the neighbor i think is queer. i used one of my little notecards to write a hello and tell them i was here if there was anything i could help them with. i also apologized if it was weird, but assured them i was also in the family. it would make me feel better if an elder queer said hello to me. so it just felt like the right thing to do. and a teeny part of me was worried when i didn't see the car move for more than 12 hours. i half hope that by the time i find the tape, it's moved, but in that case, i'll just stick it out there next time i see it. 

my anxiety is a bit flared, but i've been trying to do the soothing things i can do to feel better, and that is yet another reason it's probably good to take a walk. orrrr! plant things! i forgot i need to plant some plants! i'm going outside to do that next.