the guilt of feeling good

2/21/21

i read in a fb post that over-responsibility is a trauma response...

we're so good at extremes. over-responsibility or absolutely no accountability. i guess we each have things we are working on within ourselves, always...

when i take the time to consider how much of the way that we live creates an environment in which trauma runs so rampant, it really makes me even angrier at people who don't agree that the patriarchy has not helped any of us. not one of us. not the people in denial. not the people filling the voids left by all the things required of them to survive. not the families who are pretty healthy, who still encounter toxicity in other people. the beacons who have to work hard to stay bright amidst the corruption, the apathy. the marginalized who have to work harder to help support the same systems that keep the haves from feeling fulfilled. 

i know there is something to be said about organization. i know there are so many people who have the kind of fight in them that's required to take steps toward things being different. 

i need to believe that the ways that i function, in functioning rather intentionally with other people, has merit in a world where we strive to be the change we wish to see. 

but i also get so tired sometimes. i want to be able to let loose without holding space for the ills of the world and the work that is still left to do. 

so i find myself feeling bad about feeling good. about letting go. about setting aside the heaviness and embracing the moments of levity.

i know working for balance is an ongoing task. but i hope some day i can be completely rid of the guilt of feeling good. that i can fully give myself permission, more consistently, to just fucking enjoy myself.