a normal adult
august 5, 2018
I ran out of coffee a week or so ago. I managed to scavenge a cup here or there, but for most of the last week, I didn't have my morning coffee for work. By the end of the day, I could feel the difference. Or maybe I was just tired. But considering I got enough sleep through most of the week, I have to think that my habit of having caffeine in the morning caught up with me.
This morning, I was initially upset that I couldn't enjoy a cup on my porch. I had thought how nice it would be to type outside with the cats, and enjoy the morning sounds on Crestview Road. It occurred to me eventually that I did have caffeinated teas. Chai, Orange Spice, Constant Comment--I had a decent selection of spicy teas. I'm drinking chai with cream and honey. It's delicious.
It is too easy for my brain to go to the worst-case scenario. I have had to learn that this is a symptom of anxiety, or as I liked to call it for years before becoming a therapist: worrying. How will I get my caffeine? How will I pay for gas? How will I get food for my cats? How will I eat? These are the questions I ask myself anytime that paying a chunk of my bills requires most of my paycheck. I didn't sit down and write out the bills I needed to pay most immediately; I just paid what I knew I needed to the day after receiving my paycheck, and then spent 20 dollars on candy for my office and bought myself breakfast a couple days in a row. Then I realized--I had just enough to pay my rent and my phone bill, and there would be nothing left. Well...there was 10 cents left.
It was a bit easier to see the bright side in this. My therapist reminded me that it's okay and perfectly valid to be stressed about not having any money in my account. And I know that from there the anger kicks in if I let it. The anger over not having enough money. Over feeling like a burden to my mother, who in her retirement is still having to help out her grown ass daughter. Over feeling upset that the only reason I had groceries for a month was because a friend, who really couldn't afford to help me, chose to spend 150 dollars on surprise groceries for me. That was July. This is August. The summer has flown by, and here I am not a step closer to financial stability, despite the fact that I'll be able to apply for my license sometime, relatively, soon.
But it was a bit easier to see the bright side. To take all of those thoughts and turn them around just enough so that I could see the goodness inherent in those little complaints. I have ten cents in my account, but it's not negative, and the most important of my bills are paid. I still have a few cigarettes because that was another thing I wasted money on before checking to see how much I really had to play with. I'm lucky to have a mother who can help me on occasion. And who feeds me even when she doesn't have money to help with. She made it home safely from India, and got to spend a week in Florence as well, looking at art up close, learning about a city I have claimed is one of my favorite places in the world. She is home, safe. She loves me. She's my living parent, and accepts me for who I am.
My friend who bought me groceries last month. Her husband just got heart surgery to fix a problem with his heart that they thought meant he wouldn't be around to see his kids become adults. She appreciates all the times I listen to her, when she is processing, when she is counting her blessings, when she is venting because the stress is just relentless. We laugh about how we've been able to make it, and we know we've been able to make it, in part, together. I am blessed to have her in my life, after such a brief time meeting in the dormitory where we first lived in college.
I can look at the things I don't have and feel bad about my life, or I can count the things I do have and feel confident knowing that I have managed to make it this far, and that I will likely make it another week, even if I'm not sure how.
I'm not sure how my cats will get fed, but I have friends and family who can spare a little dry food, and I'm sure I could collect enough for the week. I can't buy food, but Kate and my mother donated enough for me to get through the next few days. I'm out of coffee, but I have tea, and they do make coffee at work (decaf), so if I insist on having it, I can get it during the week. Cigarettes I'm not so concerned about because I know going a few days without will only help steer me toward quitting, which is good for me and my wallet. Gas. Again--I agreed to go check on Kate's cats yesterday, so she left me a few dollars for gas money.
I posted yesterday that "I get by with a lot of help from my friends." And it's true. I would not be here today if it weren't for the people that for some inexplicable reason have chosen to stick around.
Correction--it's not inexplicable. They love me for the same reasons I love them. They want to help me for the same reasons I want to be there for them. Because we're all in this together, and because we know the other will do amazing things if we just encourage and support them in their journeys.
So let this be my Sunday Gratitude exercise. I am grateful for the people and the things that keep me going. Grateful so many people are a part of my life, even though I don't have much to offer them besides company, a set of active ears, a heart that keeps them close and pumps with the love we share.
I ran out of coffee a week or so ago. I managed to scavenge a cup here or there, but for most of the last week, I didn't have my morning coffee for work. By the end of the day, I could feel the difference. Or maybe I was just tired. But considering I got enough sleep through most of the week, I have to think that my habit of having caffeine in the morning caught up with me.
This morning, I was initially upset that I couldn't enjoy a cup on my porch. I had thought how nice it would be to type outside with the cats, and enjoy the morning sounds on Crestview Road. It occurred to me eventually that I did have caffeinated teas. Chai, Orange Spice, Constant Comment--I had a decent selection of spicy teas. I'm drinking chai with cream and honey. It's delicious.
It is too easy for my brain to go to the worst-case scenario. I have had to learn that this is a symptom of anxiety, or as I liked to call it for years before becoming a therapist: worrying. How will I get my caffeine? How will I pay for gas? How will I get food for my cats? How will I eat? These are the questions I ask myself anytime that paying a chunk of my bills requires most of my paycheck. I didn't sit down and write out the bills I needed to pay most immediately; I just paid what I knew I needed to the day after receiving my paycheck, and then spent 20 dollars on candy for my office and bought myself breakfast a couple days in a row. Then I realized--I had just enough to pay my rent and my phone bill, and there would be nothing left. Well...there was 10 cents left.
It was a bit easier to see the bright side in this. My therapist reminded me that it's okay and perfectly valid to be stressed about not having any money in my account. And I know that from there the anger kicks in if I let it. The anger over not having enough money. Over feeling like a burden to my mother, who in her retirement is still having to help out her grown ass daughter. Over feeling upset that the only reason I had groceries for a month was because a friend, who really couldn't afford to help me, chose to spend 150 dollars on surprise groceries for me. That was July. This is August. The summer has flown by, and here I am not a step closer to financial stability, despite the fact that I'll be able to apply for my license sometime, relatively, soon.
But it was a bit easier to see the bright side. To take all of those thoughts and turn them around just enough so that I could see the goodness inherent in those little complaints. I have ten cents in my account, but it's not negative, and the most important of my bills are paid. I still have a few cigarettes because that was another thing I wasted money on before checking to see how much I really had to play with. I'm lucky to have a mother who can help me on occasion. And who feeds me even when she doesn't have money to help with. She made it home safely from India, and got to spend a week in Florence as well, looking at art up close, learning about a city I have claimed is one of my favorite places in the world. She is home, safe. She loves me. She's my living parent, and accepts me for who I am.
My friend who bought me groceries last month. Her husband just got heart surgery to fix a problem with his heart that they thought meant he wouldn't be around to see his kids become adults. She appreciates all the times I listen to her, when she is processing, when she is counting her blessings, when she is venting because the stress is just relentless. We laugh about how we've been able to make it, and we know we've been able to make it, in part, together. I am blessed to have her in my life, after such a brief time meeting in the dormitory where we first lived in college.
I can look at the things I don't have and feel bad about my life, or I can count the things I do have and feel confident knowing that I have managed to make it this far, and that I will likely make it another week, even if I'm not sure how.
I'm not sure how my cats will get fed, but I have friends and family who can spare a little dry food, and I'm sure I could collect enough for the week. I can't buy food, but Kate and my mother donated enough for me to get through the next few days. I'm out of coffee, but I have tea, and they do make coffee at work (decaf), so if I insist on having it, I can get it during the week. Cigarettes I'm not so concerned about because I know going a few days without will only help steer me toward quitting, which is good for me and my wallet. Gas. Again--I agreed to go check on Kate's cats yesterday, so she left me a few dollars for gas money.
I posted yesterday that "I get by with a lot of help from my friends." And it's true. I would not be here today if it weren't for the people that for some inexplicable reason have chosen to stick around.
Correction--it's not inexplicable. They love me for the same reasons I love them. They want to help me for the same reasons I want to be there for them. Because we're all in this together, and because we know the other will do amazing things if we just encourage and support them in their journeys.
So let this be my Sunday Gratitude exercise. I am grateful for the people and the things that keep me going. Grateful so many people are a part of my life, even though I don't have much to offer them besides company, a set of active ears, a heart that keeps them close and pumps with the love we share.
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