The singing course is stirring up my existential dread

April 30, 2025

I love this singing coach. If I had money, I'd fly to take lessons from her in person to have even more personalized instruction. But I appreciate all the content she's created, and I'm glad I was able to contribute to her financial stability with my credit card. 

In the course I purchased access to, she is addressing how fear is the number one interference for our confidence to be higher. I am confident in my abilities, but I am also confident that the systems of oppression that exist are not going anywhere. If I could dedicate my time to working on singing alone, I absolutely would. But I know that the little time I've already dedicated is a feat, and is enough. I don't have to be solely interested in music. I don't have to have one passion. I don't have to pursue one talent alone. I am multitalented, and if I didn't live under the burdens of capitalism, then I would be able to pursue my talents with gusto. As it is, I am struggling at 44 just to work a part-time job, because my autistic brain can't handle any more. I'm doing my best, and what that looks like changes from day to day. It's really a feat that I'm able to do what I do each day that isn't just about getting to work on time. I do my vocal exercises. I sing along to songs I love in my car. That commute is transformed from just the frustration of having to be someplace to a space where I can enjoy the sound my body is capable of making, and warming up my vocal chords and attitude for the day, so that I can deal with the public for 8 hours, however many people show up. No matter how well-prepared I am, the day is always draining. And when you add in other factors, it is very challenging for me to feel good at the end of it. I know it's not healthy to come home and, say, drink. But there are times when I take a gummy or smoke some cannabis, because that's what I have access to in order to help slow my body and mind down enough. 

Today, I'm still struggling. I can tell it's an episode. I'm very mildly, passively suicidal. I'm more angry at the world than anything. I have been ruminating on how the world is the way that it is, and my frustration with wanting to be here. 

The fate of humanity does not rest on my shoulders. But every day that I choose to take care of myself, it feels like I become a burden in that I'm not better able to resist fascism, for example. I know I'm only one person. I guess it comes from that place of perfectionism and ableism, where I still have some deeply internalized issues with accepting that I am only one person, and am not able to do as much as others can. I really struggle with not being able to call my representatives every day. But part of why I struggle with it is because I don't have any proof that it is effective. That if just enough people call the folks who we chose for these offices that they'll listen to us. It is all just such a joke, and I don't want to waste my energy on things that don't actually help people. Trying to convince our representatives to represent us rather than the companies who bought them seems completely pointless. And I know there are people out there doing it. I'll leave it to them. 

There's that idea of staying in one's lane. It's not a diss, it's a relief to me. To be able to just do what I'm actually able to do. To play to my strengths. 

Consumerism teaches us that nothing is ever enough. We aren't allowed to be talented enough. Productive enough. Helpful enough. Good enough. Sprinkle in some Catholic-style god figure, and we're doomed for the fiery pits of hell unless we have enough money to pay the church to forgive us. Anyway, the point is that it's baked into our society to not feel good enough. That's part of what capitalists think keeps us striving. 

There is a lot of rhetoric out there right now about fighting. About resisting. About not obeying in advance. It's very confusing for my brain, because the same things that first sent me into a depression when I was a teenager are still in effect. I'm not saying nothing has changed. The democratic party has allowed just enough to happen to keep the general public complacent, uninformed, and uninterested so long as their pleasure centers are activated enough of the day. 

I have to call the insurance company to cancel for Navigate. I can't handle more overdraft fees, and I haven't had a client in almost five years. It's time to call it quits for that until I have someone actually paying me.