Tis the tism

August 14, 2024 (only two months until my birthday already!)

I always question whether certain labels apply to me, and have a hard time ascribing particular labels to other people, since historically the research that's conducted has been primarily on white males. I am skeptical of empirical data, but appreciate that the current data is reflecting what I've always known. I just wish our shared stories didn't require metrics to be valid. If there is one story like that, there are hundreds. And those people's experiences are valid. And when they all include harm as a direct result of the failings of the heteropatriarchal society, when do we look to the root of the rot to treat it? It feels like our communal and individual attempts are in vain. Keeping things going as well as we can until we ourselves are simply being bombed and murdered. 

I think when I feel repelled by research writing, it is a reaction to feeling so invalidated in terms of my own experience, throughout my life. It surfaces again when something comes up that reminds me of it. There was never any justice for the emotional pain I experienced; it simply forced me to find healthy and unhealthy ways of coping. And again, when the systems in place are inherently unhealthy, unjust, unfair, illogical (like your eligibility for assistance being based on your gross income--wtf). 

I love women in their strength. 

I have found that it's difficult to be in my real power around people who just make assumptions about me. I can feel their assumptions. And when people haven't done a similar degree of self-reflection, then I also have a hard time. Which means I have a hard time with a lot of people. 

It was so nice to engage in a conversation that was interesting and fulfilling from start to end. I really appreciate my friends. 

Though I did just pause because I was wondering what it was about my coworker's affirmations that bothered me. I do think part of it is him saying they're "fast-tracking" me. He is. He's rushing me. It's been two months. I am a notary. I was expecting up to a year to complete training. Even if I set a goal a quarter, I'm going pretty fast. It's a lot for me to adjust to, and I guess no one understands that unless I explain it to them. But I suppose it suffices just to let them know I can't go faster. 

Yesterday I hyperfixated on finishing the shredding. It was soothing. And it was better than obsessing about bills or something I couldn't exert any additional action over. So I tidied. It always makes me feel better. And I know there was nothing wrong with what I did, but I'm still afraid of backlash. One of the side effects of working with someone with whom I still feel I am repairing things, but without any actual conversation about what we would each like to do differently moving forward.

I was really expecting to have some more time to myself today. Living with someone who can't be courteous is like living with a child. And that could certainly contribute to the part of me that is always frustrated with my housemate. I don't. want. to care. for anyone who makes it more challenging to take care of myself. Who benefits from the work that I'm doing on myself, but can't offer me an equal opportunity for supported growth. 

I'm reminded constantly of why the relationship with him ended, and that does still hurt. But then sometimes it doesn't bother me at all, because I know I have an equal amount of idiosyncracies that probably drive him crazy too. But the difference is that I really try. If he says something one time, I am aware of it, and I do my best. I have told him things multiple times, and still he takes no initiative. He just expects me to tell him every time. And I resent that. Because again, it relates to how much personal responsibility people accept. I take responsibility for more than I have to lol. Always have. It's almost like it's my brain's way of trying to still keep things at a certain level, even if doing so comes at my detriment. I'm already mad at how much I have to do, and then I take on more, and look I'm suffering now and it is my fault for being poor and staying in the situation. Thank fucking god I realized I'm asexual a few years ago, and didn't drag on that relationship like a dead horse. 

I can understand why women stay in unhealthy unhappy relationships. Because it's another thing capitalism encourages--couplehood at any cost. 

I'm happy for all the women I've encouraged to seek a life outside of their unhappy relationships.