every day i grieve

may 28, 2024

some people are better able to put the events of the world out of their mind. whenever i go onto instagram, i get updates about the latest killing that israel has committed, our government an ally in the genocide of palestinians. i can't read the updates without crying. my grief overwhelms me, and i set my phone down to sob. i am powerless against the war machine.

i see all these people talking about how they are not voting for biden. and then how this means that trump will win, and he doesn't have any humanity, so he will surely cooperate with the genocide of the palestinian people, happy to help an ally that brings more wealth to the united states regime. 

so what do we do? we have no power to stop this killing, the same as we've had no power to stop any other war. if you think this is the first time that this kind of thing has happened, i question your ability to think critically about our history. 

WWII was supposed to be the one to end all wars. that's what we thought, at least, but it didn't stop shit. just scared people into submission. paved the way for the illusion that conformity equaled safety for those who could comply. we didn't defeat the nazis. the united states helped relocate them so that they could live out their lives quietly, doing who knows what in the privacy of their hiding here or in south america or somewhere else. and let's not forget that the only reason we entered that war to fight hitler is because japan bombed pearl harbor. our only impetus to join forces was to counter, and we countered with two atomic bombs. there was a trial not long ago for war crimes. some ancient nazi who was too old and decrepit to do anything much these days. i suppose it gave some people a sense of justice. i wonder what the japanese think of that. 

but then the zionists exist. every group is a reaction to something that happened to a people. the zionists resulted from the nazis. the taliban a result of the russian occupation of afghanistan. i am already grieving the lives lost to the hatred that violence and war breeds for future generations. we cry for the children until they grow into adults whose well-founded anger drives them to commit acts of violence no worse than what they were exposed to as children in countries where foreign entities have sought to exploit resources for centuries.

everyone wants someone to blame for their trauma, but no one in power will let us attack the true source of the problem--capitalism and imperialism. i don't know how to exist in a world where we collectively ignore the very crimes we claim not to tolerate. maybe that's just my justice sensitivity. maybe i just feel depressed because i'm autistic, and the neurotypicals all find war to be justified and normal--human nature.

when obama was running, looking back now, i feel so stupid for believing in any of the farce. for thinking that any elected official actually held the power to change things. that the democrats weren't just as bad as the republicans, they just preferred to present themselves differently to try and appeal to people who still wanted to believe that we're in a democracy. the president doesn't have the level of power we think. if they did, then biden would be able to stand up against the powers that control foreign policies. he would be able to break ties with israel. he would be able to call out the atrocities for what they are. but he is not able to do that, and i know it will weigh on his soul for what years he has left of his white, privileged life. he is another puppet in a political play that would sacrifice all our lives if it meant protecting the comforts of the global oligarchy. 

i don't want to just be sad. it's hard to see things on instagram that are supposed to be uplifting or centering when all i can think of is the people being bombed. "everything will be alright," the memes say. tell that to the mother holding the dead body of her child, pulled from the rubble in Rafah. "what if everything works out?" ask that of the father who buried his entire family. these affirmations seem hollow and crass in the face of so much murder.

yesterday was memorial day. i went to a picnic to see my friends, whom i adore. i was originally going to wear my tshirt that says, "fight the rich, not their wars," but i didn't want to offend anyone, especially if there were veterans there. i don't want anyone to go to war. i don't want to send our children to train to kill people. i don't see any honor in wars, where nothing good comes of the fighting and dying besides a return to the status quo for the world political theater. the last war to have an honorable outcome was the civil war, and even that did not eradicate the perspectives that founded our country to begin with. we have to fight every step of the way to exist as equals. our equality is still not recognized by the social structures that control all of us--control how much we can earn, control how we are perceived, control what we have to look like. none of it has changed. we have better technology and the same shoddy ethics that have always been in place. 

i appreciate the signs that are saying "meteor 2024." i don't disagree. i know there is beauty in the world. but i'm not sure any amount of beauty makes up for or balances out the atrocities white imperialism is responsible for, again and again. 

many people are simply trying to survive. and that's why there aren't more people standing up to the government and demanding that we stop providing ammunitions to israel. most of us are living paycheck to paycheck. we can't leave our jobs to go protest. and if we did? what good would it do? some colleges have severed ties this israel. the killing persists. if israel couldn't get its bombs from us, they would find someone else to purchase them from.

my depression might be related to some chemical imbalance, but if you look, really look at the world and its history, i'm not sure if i'm the one with mental illness or if the people who aren't depressed are. how could anyone want to live in a world where these things are okay? where we just go about our lives and ignore what's happening in the world, because we believe that, what, our children will fix things? why on earth would you want to do that to a generation? if these aren't issues that we can resolve, why have children and believe that they'll be able to change the world? i just don't think we're capable of doing what needs to be done, and that's why i think a meteor wiping us all out is the best answer. otherwise, we're just going to continue killing the earth and each other, and the same rich families will just enjoy their lives free of empathy and compassion for anyone, isolated in their small circles with all of their excessive luxuries, sheltered from the ugliness of the world. 

i am not sheltered from the ugliness of the world. but as i type this, my cat is jumping on things, getting into trouble. there must be a shift in the weather for her to be acting this way. she demands my attention. she cares not for the wars that people are fighting; she just wants to play and eat and nap.

i guess what makes this war so different is that i am aware of the role that my own money, my own taxes, contribute to the bombs that are killing palestinians. now--i'm sure there have been other wars where i was inadvertently supporting them. but the disillusionment that accompanies knowing that i have no say in the matter, the way it makes the illusion of democracy just crumble further--it's just fucking depressing. 

yesterday at the picnic, i was talking with someone who is retired, looking to sell her home, and trying to decide where she will go next. i admired where she is in her life, and wondered if i will ever be able to have that kind of freedom. probably not, but i'm open to the possibilities. i engaged mostly in small talk. there was a point when i started to ramble about cannabis, but that was because someone else brought it up, and there were people smoking, so it wasn't just random, it was relevant. i stopped myself before i rambled on too long. but all of the interactions i had were just sort of...i don't know. boring. i wanted to talk about how we can prevent needing a memorial day. or how having a memorial day serves anything. i wanted to talk about how i would never send my children to join the military, and how if my nephews want to sign up, it will be a huge disappointment, because they'll be feeding right into the institutions that perpetuate war and the profits from it, benefitting no one but the elite. i wanted to talk about how the best way to stop war would be to stop having children so that there were no soldiers available to brainwash. or about how we haven't had a democracy ever. or how voting for the lesser of two evils just keeps giving us the same results. i'd want to talk about the countries that don't engage in war, and look at how they're doing and how they do it (they don't need to be a world power--that's how). 

but i just waited for the food to be ready and ate, and then socialized a bit more while trying to avoid the sun, because my skin had already had plenty of UV exposure, and then i came home to my temu order (another way i support oppression), my housemate playing video games avoiding any feelings, and i retreated to my bedroom, where i played my own video game and then watched a nat geo show and watched how animal communities function. oh to be an ape whose life cycle is simple and predictable, where the only war i'd know would be that of the conflict with a neighboring group. my only concern would be following in the footsteps of my ancestors before me--growth, survival, reproduction, aging, death. nothing complicated. no voting. no money. no responsibility for the death of people living thousands of miles away. just my genetics and instincts. what a burden it is to be human. 

when people talk about love and the divine, i often wonder why they don't see love as a trait that is also unique to our existence. if we can agree that feelings are fleeting, and that they do not stay over time, then why is love any different? people need to believe in love and god to make sense of the atrocities we're responsible for. there must be some greater purpose, or else it makes all this seem pointless. and i don't think we could stomach the idea of this all being pointless. but it seems to be. and so that's why hedonism does make sense to me. 

i can't stop the bombs. even killing myself in the name of protest does nothing; people have tried that too. i can speak out against zionism. i can state that i don't support the war against the palestinians. but i still use a cell phone. the systems that oppress and destroy life persist no matter what i do. 

so i may as well try and enjoy what i can, no? and to do that, i have to be able to put things out of my mind. i have to learn to ignore things the same way so many of us do in order to survive. some people have the attitude of they are going to enjoy their lives since they can't do anything to change things. i would like to enjoy my life, while also honoring the people whose lives are lost because so many of us are just trying to survive. and i will keep giving what i can to organizations that are providing humanitarian aid to the people of palestine. well, once i have income again.