be the guidance you seek

may 22, 2024

 when i was younger, i used to talk to the wind in the trees

late at night when my parents and sisters were sleeping, 

and the night hung over the treetops, speckled with stars and clouds,

above the streetlights, where the moths and mosquitos chased the light,

if there was a breeze, i could talk to the wind blowing through the leaves.

the louder they blew, the more affirmative the answer.

"does jeremiah like me back?" i'd ask.

"should i tell ashly the way that i feel?"

it was always about boys i had questions. i didn't know how to manage what i was feeling, and i didn't

 understand that already healthy attention was something my generation was poorly trained in.

i looked for answers in the air, straining to make sense of the whooshes in the otherwise quiet night, 

so that i could make a decision. so that i could know if the feelings i was having 

weren't a waste of time.

so unsure of myself. so desperate to be loved. 

in a very specifically concocted version of love,

since i had only poor fairy tales as an example, and my own experience,

which was that adults liked the way i looked, but not the way i thought or felt.

better to reflect back to them the parts of themselves they like,

rather than the parts they haven't looked at since they were an injured child themselves.

i listened for the wind to give me its wisdom. i stared at the treetops, below the moon.

stared at that same moon from the mediterranean, asked the same questions.

using ouija boards and playing cards to consult with the spirits.

when we were younger it was MASH and little folded paper games that told us our futures, and which

boys we'd have babies with and how many;

it wasn't just me that was hetero boy-crazy.

always looking and listening outside of myself for guidance.

it took me a long time to know that i am the one making all of the decisions anyway. 

 but i had learned not to listen to myself;

i was not an expert. my feelings weren't to be trusted. 

now i know

i am the sign that i needed.

_____________________________________________________________________________

and looking back many of them weren't, but it was because those same fairy tales failed to mention a lot about what i, we, were going through.

yesterday, i watched a show that explains how the brain works, and even though hormones do play a large role in puberty, and during different changes in our lives, the show pointed out that hormones alone are not in charge of our brains during adolescence.

it forced me to look back again at that time, and think about how i would obsess over different crushes. how i got so into music at that time. how i'd sit alone in my room for hours on end, content as could be, listening to my latest favorite CD on repeat, singing along with the tracks once i memorized all of them. writing my own non-happy-ending fairy tales in my journal. cutting up magazines and making collages. decorating my walls. i don't remember much about that period of my life, aside from how much i cared about what was going on with boys and my friends. how i didn't like missing out on things, and how there was a lot i did miss out on because my parents were trying to be protective, when in reality i narrowly escaped being raped only to be assaulted a couple times later in my adulthood. i felt so alone in my pain. i started feeling so fat and ugly and unwantable, and i also started piecing together how fucked up the world was, and feeling less optimistic about my future in it. so for me, depression started with adolescence. and when you're depressed, you have to learn quickly not to trust your mind, because it tells you things like it would be better if you were dead. 

i knew well enough to avoid certain substances, because i did realize i was already kinda low, even though i wouldn't call it depression for many years. looking back, i'm not so sure it was depression as much as an understanding of the world i had inherited, and how deeply traumatized it was thanks to the people in charge, and feeling very powerless to change things when we'd been fighting the same war for centuries (between the people who want people to be free, and the people who want capital). 

one of the last readings i had with Rosemary, she said the guides were telling me that i needed to start looking within for answers because i had all of them. that i didn't need to reach out to the spirit world for advice, basically!

we all look outside ourselves for validation. it happens because again, our culture is really good at convincing people to seek that validation externally. and when we need answers from outside of ourselves, we'll keep going after them again and again. this supports consumerism. and codependency. and all kinds of things that don't really help us in the long-term.

now, it's important to note that there is healthy and unhealthy dependency. there is community--which is a network of interdependence that allows all parties to thrive even within a larger unhealthy society. then there are unhealthy dependencies, where again the individual is not encouraged to develop a sense of agency of self. 

anyway, it is still tempting for me to seek answers outside myself. i still want a reading, because i want to know that i'm doing the right thing. that i'm on the right track. but there is no track. i am building it as i go. if i reject the conventions forced upon me by the patriarchy, then that means i've got the scary task of listening to the ancestors, and interpreting their wisdom and my own to form my path. 

all this to say the next adventure appears to be becoming a notary. i said it years ago, and now that kate has already embarked on that endeavor, she's carved a lifeline for me to grab onto. i like how varied my professional experiences have become. and i really love this opportunity for me, because it allows me to stay more focused on the things outside of earning income that matter to me, which is what i want. i don't want my work to dictate much in my life aside from the time i have to get dressed, and when i can take off my bra again. 

i still have the nonprofit. i still have that avenue open. and i love hosting the LGBTQIA meetings each month. and i still have the mentorship. it might be a good time to look at my wellness wheel again, and work on updating my goals for the remainder of the year. 

but today, i'm going to be intentional about listening to myself, and trusting myself. and i'd like to keep that same energy going this summer.