Pleasing

april 2, 2023

there is a way i like to see myself. a way that makes me feel empowered. i don't think if myself first as a fat woman. but i am a fat woman. i am also beautiful. i have a pleasing aura, and i set people at ease. i am non-threatening. a safe space. and people are drawn to my energy. but there is a way i see myself as beautiful that is also simply vain. and it doesn't matter anymore that a man or that a woman finds me fuckable. because sex is no longer the driving force for my ego or my body. and that is a freedom i have enjoyed. do i want to be attractive? only to the people who i have any interest in touching. but i don't need sexual intimacy. i don't seek it. i am completely satisfied where my sexuality operates now, it's peripheral, and i consider myself aromantic as well, because i am simply not guided by any desire or hope for that. too much of the conventional relationship models doesn't work for me. i don't want to be monogamous sexually if i am sexual. i don't want to marry. i don't want to raise children. i don't want to be a caretaker other than to cats and plants. and myself! 

i want to take better care of myself. i want to dedicate time to that. to my own changing needs. to my friendships, you know? my chosen family and my family. i have wonderful relationships. so many opportunities for intimacy. and i have nurtured those relationships and friendships the best i can. i continue to grow from these relationships. i form more. many temporary. but many enough to feel less alone in the world. like i am building this bigger and bigger community. this loving, creative, collective of queer, feminist, nerds who are helping to change the world. what more could i ask for?

so i also enjoy looking in the mirror. i like staring at the statue of david. i like things that are just beautifully created. and i like to think of myself as a goddess, who is like basically the incarnate of aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty. my intelligence, my strength, my perseverance, my creations, these things are sexy. these things make me feel powerful in the ways being wanted sexually did for my ego. 

i guess it's difficult. it's difficult to feel beautiful without also feeling pressure to be fuckable. but where i used to get mad at how older women were desexualized, now i am kind of like looking forward to never having to be objectified. like maybe there is an age where people won't feel like they need to bring attention to my tits. i hate how sexualized beauty has become. how eroticized. or maybe even i am sexualizing a natural response to just one form of beauty. i don't think I've ever gotten wet at the sight of a painting. but i know it was much easier to feel turned on after going to a museum. maybe just art stuff makes me horny, and where i was submerged in it before, i only get it in rare doses now. might explain why i got excited the last time i did over a man. just because we had juicy conversations about life; they were works of art themselves.