keep trying, keep succeeding

april 8, 2021

this morning i'm just trying to kill time until coffee-time, and i don't want to play on my phone. i saw someone else mention that they keep a blog for themselves, and it reminded me how much i enjoyed checking in with myself yesterday, so i figured it couldn't hurt to get some ideas out again today.

there have always been these ideas of what i might accomplish in my life. when you tell people you're a writer, or that you love writing, then they assume you'll write a book. but that hasn't been the case for me. i haven't wanted to rely on the things that bring me joy for income. and writing has remained something that is, mostly, masturbatory. and that's alright. it's alright to do something that makes me feel good and supports my mental health. those are valid reasons to do something. 

writing is one of the last things from my childhood that i still love. well, i think i still love my little ponies, but i don't keep the ones i have sitting around to admire (though perhaps i should). i also still love dancing, but i haven't lived in a place that really moves me to dance. music--still important to me as well, but again, until i live in my own place again, i don't get a chance to enjoy music as much as i used to. though i do hope that changes once i live in my own place again.

there was a post this morning that i reposted about how not everyone has a grand purpose or ambition in life, and that wandering through and doing things that interest them until they die is still a totally valid way to be. i completely agree, and i do feel that i've been more of a wanderer myself, since most of what i've ended up doing has simply presented itself to me as an option that i ran with. counseling was the first sort of career move that i really chose, and once it became more clear to me that the traditional path was not going to work for me (surprise, surprise), i found my own way again to make it work for my needs. 

i feel as though i've been comfortable with who i am for a long time, but that i am still strengthening the voice that i share with others. like gloria anzaldua said, i am more myself on paper than anywhere else. i don't hide from people, but i have a harder time in many contexts finding the right words. and by right words i mean the words that satisfy my sense of what needs to be said aloud or to someone. i am not great at standing up for myself, but i am better with boundaries now than i was twenty years ago, and i do hope that within this decade i can strengthen my auditory voice so that it feels as authentic and strong as the one i hear when i write. 

i have goals for this year, but they are only to get my business registered and to use the treadmill more (to walk more and be more intentional about movement in general). there are smaller goals as well, but those are the big ones that i keep trying to hold in the forefront of my brain and focus. so a life of meandering doesn't mean that it's devoid of aspirations, just that those aspirations don't provide an overarching purpose. the purpose in my case has seemed to have been one of discovery. discovering myself through the experiences i've lived and shared with others, and i think that's beautiful and continuous. 

i have done much better with not comparing myself to others. sometimes i see people living in such a way that makes me envious. and that has the potential to make me feel bad for not being where they are to have accomplished what they have already. but to reframe that i start to think about what i have done, and what i have accomplished. i won national awards for my art in high school. i was in a band for four years that had regular shows. i taught college english for eight years. i met so many characters working as a cashier at a gas station, and had some wonderful times with the friends i made during that nine years. i have traveled to places that some people wait their whole lives to get to. i've been to greece three times, italy once--i felt at ease in the meditterenean. i've been on a cruise ship in the caribbean. i have driven to other states alone and with friends. i've gotten through the grief of losing people throughout my life, from the time i was very young. i studied philosophy and literature and then counseling, and all the theories from all the decades that contribute to those disciplines. i have two master's degrees. i am a good counselor and a decent friend. i reach out for help more easily now, and have performed decades of emotional labor to work on myself and support my mental health. and now i am getting ready to launch my own business while i help a startup with employees around the world gain momentum. so i have plenty of accomplishments! and while i am proud of them, none of them alone define me. none of them give me a sense of purpose. they are significant because they reflect the experiences i've had, and the time i've invested into different interests. i think i've done a fair job of staying true to myself, and i do believe that will continue until my last day on this earth.