october 2020

october 4, 2020 12:54am

shit's still crazy.

over the past few days, i've been reminded for the zillionth time how lucky i have been with regard to my ability to isolate. i had a quarantine pod that consisted of a handful of family/friends who were all operating at the same levels of caution. some people spend more time in public places of business than i do, but everyone wears masks. i was able to get a remote (part-time) job with a decent company. i was able to adapt pretty easily so that my interactions with people who may or may not be taking the same levels of precautions were minimized. i admit it was not that difficult for me to adapt the ways that i did. my social time was already on a strict diet to achieve the balance i require for the social- to alone-time ratio that works for me. i've had long-distance friends for over a decade, so it wasn't new for me to have to communicate via phone or video chat to keep up with people.

so every time i get invitations to a wedding that isn't virtual. a birthday party with no mention of the number of invited guests. an event in a public space where there will, i know, be people who do not want to wear a mask, it makes me feel crazy all over again, and i have to go through a process in my head to cope with a myriad of emotions that flood my brain and body. and it makes me mad every time. (i know my emotions are mine to manage, but fuck i wish i could experience less anger.) and i question why i'm bothering. why am i bothering to celebrate my 40th birthday differently than i really want to? why did i bother to try and protect my roommate who has asthma? why did i bother to resign from a job that guaranteed me 40 paid hours a week? why did i quarantine from my nephews and sisters for months to be safe? why am i bothering to do any of these things when there are so many people who are not putting things off. who are not wearing masks. who are not staying the fuck home as much as possible?

7,000 new cases in pennsylvania in the last week. i'm not imagining that we're still in a pandemic. that things really aren't any better than they were as far as mitigation. that there is still no cure, no vaccine available. no real treatment available. i'm not imagining how many people have died--needlessly. and i get it. i get people die every day for all kinds of preventable things. but THIS is something we could all do our part to prevent the spread of. this is something we were all experiencing in real time together. this is something we were all affected by, in one way shape or form. and something we could die from, since, you know, it's novel, and scientists are still learning about it.

i'm repeating myself. i'm saying the same things so many of us have said for so many months now...i feel crazy. i feel crazy, nonetheless. i feel more and more alone. i feel more and more privileged in my ability to isolate as much as i have. i was able to resign thanks to a roommate who was supportive of my safety. i was able to switch to grocery delivery and curbside pick-up at the places i needed things from. i was able to find a remote job (after a few months). i was easily able to avoid feeling stir-crazy at the height of lockdowns. i was able to continue therapy. i still got my thyroid medicine. i still took care of my animals. i still had what i needed for all my basic needs. i learned that my sister was going to be induced friday on wednesday. i jumped into finalizing a plan of action with my other sister, since our mother is still not back from oklahoma (a former hotspot). originally my mom was supposed to be home by the 15th so that we had plenty of immediate family on deck to help my pregnant sister, who left her husband in april (after debating the risk of exposing my mom, who is almost 69, or her own children). so my sisters and i finalize our plan. the youngest of us will go to the hospital (only one person allowed to be there with preggo sis). i will stay with the tazmanian brothers (an almost threenager and a 4 year-old on the spectrum; they're a handful and i do not like babysitting small children). baby sis will leave once middle sis is all good post-delivery and come help me. i'll stay the night with the boys, and baby sis will return saturday to help me.

mom mentions the idea of flying home to be here in time. i say i don't think that's safe. my middle sis, the one who's about to give birth in a hospital where she can only have one person accompany her says "i didn't even think of that" (am i crazy? am i crazy for recognizing we're still in this pandemic? am i crazy for worrying?).

induced births aren't ideal. but this is my sister's 3rd induction, and she is still able to have a vaginal delivery, and she and baby are good. they're good. they're all good. baby sis comes to help me, does bathtime to give me a break. leaves after i head up to bed with the kiddos.

saturday comes. i do the morning weekend routine with the boys. i keep in touch with my sister. we send voice memos to our messenger thread so the boys can hear her voice. they keep asking where she is, and i keep reminding them, reassuring them that she will be home that day, just later. that auntie hope will be back.

my sister is finally discharged from the hospital. her soon-to-be-ex-husband picks her and his latest progeny up from the hospital. meanwhile, my baby sis is asked to retrieve my niece-in-law from her place of employment because her ride fell through. inside i panic. i know she wears a mask. i know she takes things seriously, because she quit her last job when she found out there had been three cases in the span of a week that the company did not disclose to the employees until way after the fact. she bounced. she found a different job where it seemed safer. but she arrived and told us the story of a customer who refused to wear a mask. how the owner had contemplated just accepting the fine for violating the regulations governor wolf laid out. my BIL said something...implied the "rules" wolf had passed were ridiculous. (am i crazy? is it crazy to be as safe as possible? are people going to die if they can't have a fucking beer in a bar?). i am sitting across the room from people i have not been around since before march. none of us are wearing masks. there is a newborn who just came out of my sister's womb yesterday sharing our air. inside i panic. i start to dissociate. i'm still conversing. i'm still engaging. i'm still civil. but i feel crazy. i feel crazy. am i crazy?

so many actual experts advised against "reopening the economy" as soon as we did. so many experts still criticize the lack of central leadership and planning that we have had. there are democrats trying to get a fucking second stimulus bill passed when a lot of us know we should have had a stimulus check every fucking month since march. there are people--families--who have lost multiple members to this virus. and yet... so for months i was able to isolate. i dealt with an increase in my anxiety. i did what i could to be safe without becoming obsessive. i took steps that felt right for me, and realized i was lucky to be able to take those steps when not everyone was. and i understand the people who couldn't. but i don't understand the people who aren't simply because they're tired of it. tired of everything.

i'm fucking exhausted too. and the fact that i am worrying about being with my newest nephew. when that could have been avoided if more people who didn't have to go out, who didn't have to go to restaurants. who didn't have to go to a bar. who didn't have to have their wedding this year. who didn't have to celebrate someone's birthday the same way. who didn't have to go shopping. who didn't need to see ALL of their friends. who didn't have to do any of those things chose to anyway. because they're tired. because life goes on no matter how many people die. why bother? why bother being careful? what was the point of being safe? am i crazy? i feel crazy. i feel crazy, and tired, and angry, and resentful, and fucking pissed that i have done.

my friend told me that the attitude of "i figure we're just all going to get it at some point" is a cop-out. it's a way to avoid taking responsibility. it's a way to justify doing what they damn well please. she said we do NOT all have to get it. we don't all have to be exposed. we don't all have to play a role in spreading it.

but apparently some people, a lot of people including some people i really love and respect, didn't get the fucking memo.