get all the yuck out.
January 25, 2019
this happens every time I am without some of the basic things I require to feel okay. I start spiraling, and instead of being able to stop myself and focus on the good, focus on my gratitude, focus on what I HAVE in my life, I just start thinking about all the things affected by the fact that I don't have money.
now...my bills are paid. and the ones due at the end of the month will be paid once I get my paycheck in six days. but in the meantime, I am struggling. I used the last $14.11 I had in my account to put gas into my car. but I have no cigarettes (not a necessity--just not my choice to quit right now). I have very little to eat. I can't really drive anywhere far--though I could go to my mom's and do laundry.
I finally deleted my fb app, because I realized I just kept triggering myself scrolling through. everything reminded me of my situation. I did catch myself being negative, and was able to redirect so that I wasn't being nasty to others. but I was still honest. and there's nothing wrong with that. so long as I don't make someone else's post all about me.
so times like these it is easy to wish I were dead. almost immediately I think about the pain this would cause. and I don't want to cause that kind of pain. even though I know people would move forward with their lives. they would be affected the way i'm still affected by my father's death, and my aunt's, and my cousin's. the rational part of me still operates when i'm like this, even though the negative voice is louder. my cats know i'm struggling. they pay more attention. they demand my attention. Magellan is curled up in my lap as we speak.
I started off the day well enough. but found myself getting angry too easily. I couldn't pull the garbage bag out because it was too heavy, and it began tearing. I started to freak, but stopped myself and, aloud, told myself "It's okay. It's alright. Not a big deal." my coffee maker was frozen from sitting in the car for 3 days. I started to seethe. I stopped myself, eventually went to get my hairdryer, and used it to melt the frozen water inside the Keurig so that I could have a damn cup of coffee, thus staving off my hunger, thus allowing me to get a little further into my day. I debated taking my change to the coinstar, but since I've already removed most of the quarters and dimes, I know that there probably isn't enough in there for a pack of cigarettes.
my cats have food and relatively clean litter. I do have some things to munch on, and I can go to my mom's to raid her cupboards again for some items to help me through the week. hope offered to help me with money if I want to get some groceries. she brought me dinner last night from eat n park--the only real food I had all day, and she arrived just before 10pm (there really was no rush; beggars can't be choosers). I have some granola bars. I have oatmeal. I have butter and noodles and parmesan cheese. I can manage, somehow, until I get paid. and the hours have picked back up at work, so this shouldn't be a constant, ongoing thing.
I just have a lot of anger. and I hate when people go straight to solutions. I know what solutions are available. I have considered them. I have ruled them out for legitimate reasons. I know that my trouble accepting the way our country is is my own issue to deal with. things are not going to change any time soon. they are not going to magically repair centuries of maladaptive policies and structures. the rich are not suddenly going to value the lives of the poor. and in the meantime, somehow, we'll all manage to keep things running. that's what astounds me. knowing how fucked up so many people are, and how many people struggle WAY worse than I do, somehow things haven't totally fallen apart. worldwide. that's kind of amazing.
I was doing really well for a while. I was thinking yesterday how I did manage to keep my post-birthday joy going for a while. about 3 months. in that time I still experienced periods of being broke, of having not much food. I still pushed on, and i'll still push on now. these are just feelings. and I do take comfort in the fact that none of it matters. that aside from the individual pain and joy we all experience throughout our lives, it's all just a big experiment. all just happenstance that things managed to come together the way they have.
i'm not saying I don't believe in the divine. I do. not any Judeo-Christian or eastern version of the divine. but something that equals the total of it all mixed together. but our perils, our pain, our strife is nothing in the grand scheme of things. things fall apart and rebuild. start over. reset. it's just the way it is. my pain only matters to me. what I feel only affects me. not that no one cares about me, but my emotions are my own responsibility, and I do accept that. there is no easy solution. everything takes time. progress takes time. so all I can keep doing is my best. all I can keep doing is not dwelling too long on the feelings that don't help my forward movement. the rest I have no control over, and whether I accept it or not, that is the ways things are and always will be, as long as we live on a planet with the history it has and the flaws humans have.
this happens every time I am without some of the basic things I require to feel okay. I start spiraling, and instead of being able to stop myself and focus on the good, focus on my gratitude, focus on what I HAVE in my life, I just start thinking about all the things affected by the fact that I don't have money.
now...my bills are paid. and the ones due at the end of the month will be paid once I get my paycheck in six days. but in the meantime, I am struggling. I used the last $14.11 I had in my account to put gas into my car. but I have no cigarettes (not a necessity--just not my choice to quit right now). I have very little to eat. I can't really drive anywhere far--though I could go to my mom's and do laundry.
I finally deleted my fb app, because I realized I just kept triggering myself scrolling through. everything reminded me of my situation. I did catch myself being negative, and was able to redirect so that I wasn't being nasty to others. but I was still honest. and there's nothing wrong with that. so long as I don't make someone else's post all about me.
so times like these it is easy to wish I were dead. almost immediately I think about the pain this would cause. and I don't want to cause that kind of pain. even though I know people would move forward with their lives. they would be affected the way i'm still affected by my father's death, and my aunt's, and my cousin's. the rational part of me still operates when i'm like this, even though the negative voice is louder. my cats know i'm struggling. they pay more attention. they demand my attention. Magellan is curled up in my lap as we speak.
I started off the day well enough. but found myself getting angry too easily. I couldn't pull the garbage bag out because it was too heavy, and it began tearing. I started to freak, but stopped myself and, aloud, told myself "It's okay. It's alright. Not a big deal." my coffee maker was frozen from sitting in the car for 3 days. I started to seethe. I stopped myself, eventually went to get my hairdryer, and used it to melt the frozen water inside the Keurig so that I could have a damn cup of coffee, thus staving off my hunger, thus allowing me to get a little further into my day. I debated taking my change to the coinstar, but since I've already removed most of the quarters and dimes, I know that there probably isn't enough in there for a pack of cigarettes.
my cats have food and relatively clean litter. I do have some things to munch on, and I can go to my mom's to raid her cupboards again for some items to help me through the week. hope offered to help me with money if I want to get some groceries. she brought me dinner last night from eat n park--the only real food I had all day, and she arrived just before 10pm (there really was no rush; beggars can't be choosers). I have some granola bars. I have oatmeal. I have butter and noodles and parmesan cheese. I can manage, somehow, until I get paid. and the hours have picked back up at work, so this shouldn't be a constant, ongoing thing.
I just have a lot of anger. and I hate when people go straight to solutions. I know what solutions are available. I have considered them. I have ruled them out for legitimate reasons. I know that my trouble accepting the way our country is is my own issue to deal with. things are not going to change any time soon. they are not going to magically repair centuries of maladaptive policies and structures. the rich are not suddenly going to value the lives of the poor. and in the meantime, somehow, we'll all manage to keep things running. that's what astounds me. knowing how fucked up so many people are, and how many people struggle WAY worse than I do, somehow things haven't totally fallen apart. worldwide. that's kind of amazing.
I was doing really well for a while. I was thinking yesterday how I did manage to keep my post-birthday joy going for a while. about 3 months. in that time I still experienced periods of being broke, of having not much food. I still pushed on, and i'll still push on now. these are just feelings. and I do take comfort in the fact that none of it matters. that aside from the individual pain and joy we all experience throughout our lives, it's all just a big experiment. all just happenstance that things managed to come together the way they have.
i'm not saying I don't believe in the divine. I do. not any Judeo-Christian or eastern version of the divine. but something that equals the total of it all mixed together. but our perils, our pain, our strife is nothing in the grand scheme of things. things fall apart and rebuild. start over. reset. it's just the way it is. my pain only matters to me. what I feel only affects me. not that no one cares about me, but my emotions are my own responsibility, and I do accept that. there is no easy solution. everything takes time. progress takes time. so all I can keep doing is my best. all I can keep doing is not dwelling too long on the feelings that don't help my forward movement. the rest I have no control over, and whether I accept it or not, that is the ways things are and always will be, as long as we live on a planet with the history it has and the flaws humans have.
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