a day off means

January 6, 2019

i woke up before 7am because i just needed to. i had a dream that i was raped while i was black-out drunk (i had no recollection of the incident, i just knew because the rapist told the rock that he and i had done it), and that i was working toward having a discussion with my assailant, because he didn't know he had raped me, and was being very nice to me. add to this the fact that dwayne johnson was the object of my affection, and whose apartment i had been trying to get to. then randy was in the dream, and after my sister and i had gone with him to this kayak waterslide amusement park thing, we rode home in a contraption that looked more like a table with chairs than an automobile (you pulled out these drawer things to sit inside as passengers, while the front of it still had what looked like the cab of a truck.

i am not angry. i don't feel like i need to go back to sleep. i will probably get up soon and do some dishes and make some coffee, and enjoy my morning. and i keep thinking about the difference between a day i work and a day i'm off, because the morning is completely different. if i had woken up early on a day i work, it wouldn't have even been a challenge to go back to sleep. i hit snooze anywhere from 2 to 10 times, depending on how tired i feel, and how angsty about going to work. on a day off, i'm not bothered by waking up early. granted, i know i can take a nap if i need to. but it's MY time. not time i have to use to earn money, just time for me to decide how i want to use. i have the freedom of choice. it can be a day of liesure. a day of rest. a day of chores. a day of errands. or of going to see loved ones. or a combination thereof.

i don't know how to be rid of this seemingly inherent disdain toward work mornings. i do notice a difference when i have lots of clean clothes, plenty of food, and the right amount of sleep. but i can't keep up with my laundry atm, or have lots of groceries, or always get enough sleep (try as i might, sometimes i still am up too late, again, trying to soak up as much time to myself as possible). so i'm thinking of how to reframe work mornings. i've read articles and seen videos about people who just blast out of bed like a rocket to claim their day. i'm rarely in a foul mood in the morning. i greet my cats cheerfully, and often remind them if it were up to me i woukd stay home with them and cuddle, because i don't want to go to work. i want to earn an income. i want to help people. but i don't want to go to work. i don't want to deal with picking out an outfit, making sure my eyebrows aren't all crazy, putting on deodorant, figuring out what i can take to work to eat. sometimes i just don't want to listen to people all day knowing no one will listen to my own thoughts and feelings.

i know much of this will change as i continue to obtain creature comforts. eventually i will live in a home with a washer and dryer, food always in my cupboards and fridge, and an improved sleep schedule (it's already gotten 10 times better than my 20s). so maybe the issue isn't "what do i do to fix this?" and more just accepting i'm not so thrilled to get out of bed days i work. that is normal, after all.