same shit
10/16/14
i got a bday card from my mother that says follow your bliss on the front. and on the inside she reminded me that my family loves me and that they wanted me to be happy. and aside from reminding me not to tell my mother when i'm down because she worries about me, it made me think...what a bunch of bullshit. follow my bliss? my bliss would be sleeping in until i feel rested, waking up, getting paid to say some shit on social media, then spending the rest of the day doing whatever i feel like, making the world a better place or having a netflix marathon with porn breaks. my bliss would be getting to sing gigs in the tri state area in a fusion blues funk soul band. my bliss would be having the money to fix my teeth and pay off all my medical and school debt. i am not following my bliss. i'm fucking surviving, finding just enough time to thrive between obligations. neglecting responsibilities so i can enjoy time with the people in my life who matter since the rest of the time is given to people who don't (as much--to me).
i often think about a life that is not lived for oneself, because i don't feel like mine is lived for me. i still feel like the reasons i push forward have to do more with not wanting to hurt or disappoint other people more than carving out my own little piece of the pie. and maybe that's not the worst thing, but it's not selflessness either. i feel sometimes like more and more of who i am is moulded, adapted, forced i to these roles that i do not enjoy playing. i can hear my dad saying that life is a game, shaking his head because i still don't want to play by the rules. god, i envy him. i wish there was some way he could reassure me this is better than nothing. because i am just so tired. i just lose more and more of my motivation. i tell myslef things like it's just another year. it'll get better. then i think, who am i kidding? between the effects of old age and poor healthcare and the near certainty that i will always have too much debt to do the things i really want to, how on earth can it get better? how can anyone know that for certain? and regardless, what about living in the moment when the moment is persistently shitty?
i mean the hilarious thing is in 24 hours my mood could be completely the opposite. and i guess that's one of the reasons i haven't quite given up. because i am aware that things can turn around like that. that my mood can be altered by some random event in the coming day that just sets me right again.
you'd think after having celebrated my birth, after being surrounded by people who love me and appreciate me, i'd still be riding the residual birthday bliss high. no--this must be the crash. the result of not enough time to be silly. enough room for my brain to get away from worrying or thinking about school, or to enjoy a goddamn walk outside.
by the next time i'm in a therapy session i won't be as depressed. and if i am i won't have the strength to be as elaborate. how many times i have explained this to myself. but i know in therapy it's all up to me. it'ms my own perspective that needs to change. my own habits and thought patterns i need to break. but it's fucking impossible when the same shit, and more shit, and more shit, and i don't have a fucking way to take care of it all and there's just no relief unless i end up in the hospital with mandatory rest. then i miss work and the debts back up, and even after all that rest it's more shit shit shit.
and on top of all this i keep having these crazy dreams that are like weird encounters with boyfriends of christmas past. and of being on boats and airplanes--lots of traveling. but this teady sense of either frustration or anxiousness or worry or fear, and that's not too different from my waking life. i feel like if i weigh out the moments in my day i feel at ease versus the times i'm not, i'm ill at ease too much of most weeks.
okay, maybe just this week.
maybe this fucking paper i'm writing is getting to me.
but i definitely do not want to teach anymore, and i have to. i don't want to work at kwik fill anymore, and i have to. i just want to concentrate on school. have my bills all paid. yeah, and i wanna hit the fucking lottery. nice dream.
i've got to get up in five and a half hours. fuck. i fucking hate this.
i got a bday card from my mother that says follow your bliss on the front. and on the inside she reminded me that my family loves me and that they wanted me to be happy. and aside from reminding me not to tell my mother when i'm down because she worries about me, it made me think...what a bunch of bullshit. follow my bliss? my bliss would be sleeping in until i feel rested, waking up, getting paid to say some shit on social media, then spending the rest of the day doing whatever i feel like, making the world a better place or having a netflix marathon with porn breaks. my bliss would be getting to sing gigs in the tri state area in a fusion blues funk soul band. my bliss would be having the money to fix my teeth and pay off all my medical and school debt. i am not following my bliss. i'm fucking surviving, finding just enough time to thrive between obligations. neglecting responsibilities so i can enjoy time with the people in my life who matter since the rest of the time is given to people who don't (as much--to me).
i often think about a life that is not lived for oneself, because i don't feel like mine is lived for me. i still feel like the reasons i push forward have to do more with not wanting to hurt or disappoint other people more than carving out my own little piece of the pie. and maybe that's not the worst thing, but it's not selflessness either. i feel sometimes like more and more of who i am is moulded, adapted, forced i to these roles that i do not enjoy playing. i can hear my dad saying that life is a game, shaking his head because i still don't want to play by the rules. god, i envy him. i wish there was some way he could reassure me this is better than nothing. because i am just so tired. i just lose more and more of my motivation. i tell myslef things like it's just another year. it'll get better. then i think, who am i kidding? between the effects of old age and poor healthcare and the near certainty that i will always have too much debt to do the things i really want to, how on earth can it get better? how can anyone know that for certain? and regardless, what about living in the moment when the moment is persistently shitty?
i mean the hilarious thing is in 24 hours my mood could be completely the opposite. and i guess that's one of the reasons i haven't quite given up. because i am aware that things can turn around like that. that my mood can be altered by some random event in the coming day that just sets me right again.
you'd think after having celebrated my birth, after being surrounded by people who love me and appreciate me, i'd still be riding the residual birthday bliss high. no--this must be the crash. the result of not enough time to be silly. enough room for my brain to get away from worrying or thinking about school, or to enjoy a goddamn walk outside.
by the next time i'm in a therapy session i won't be as depressed. and if i am i won't have the strength to be as elaborate. how many times i have explained this to myself. but i know in therapy it's all up to me. it'ms my own perspective that needs to change. my own habits and thought patterns i need to break. but it's fucking impossible when the same shit, and more shit, and more shit, and i don't have a fucking way to take care of it all and there's just no relief unless i end up in the hospital with mandatory rest. then i miss work and the debts back up, and even after all that rest it's more shit shit shit.
and on top of all this i keep having these crazy dreams that are like weird encounters with boyfriends of christmas past. and of being on boats and airplanes--lots of traveling. but this teady sense of either frustration or anxiousness or worry or fear, and that's not too different from my waking life. i feel like if i weigh out the moments in my day i feel at ease versus the times i'm not, i'm ill at ease too much of most weeks.
okay, maybe just this week.
maybe this fucking paper i'm writing is getting to me.
but i definitely do not want to teach anymore, and i have to. i don't want to work at kwik fill anymore, and i have to. i just want to concentrate on school. have my bills all paid. yeah, and i wanna hit the fucking lottery. nice dream.
i've got to get up in five and a half hours. fuck. i fucking hate this.
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