an unexpected wave of emotions and life challenges...
march 6
i got dumped at the beginning of the week, and by the end was in the hospital awaiting a surprise surgery for a condition that had an unexpected complication.
forgive me if i feel like the universe is fucking with me a bit.
it's hard when someone decides they don't want to make the effort with you anymore. how are you not supposed to take that personally? like do guys see me and think, this chick is rational and has her shit together, can probably handle anything, so i'll just enjoy the shit out of her until i meet someone else who strikes my fancy. and even though that chick will probably not be as cool as this one i'm gonna bail on, i'll take my chances because it's better than being pinned down to one pussy.
i don't know. like i said, it's hard. the whole time i'm in the hospital, i'm having a hard time not thinking about how shitty my insurance is, and how expensive all that shit is, and then i feel bad because my sisters and mom have to take care of me, because i've got no one. and that made me feel like a burden. like a loser. who keeps getting cysts.
i don't look at myself that way. here's how i look at myself. and it constantly feels threatened, but i keep thinking it anyway, because i have to believe in myself in order to get up each day.
i'm amazing. i am. i manage to get through, i manage to smile, i smile even when everything is not okay, and not because i'm in denial or trying to distract myself.
and this man came along and fucked me all up because he conditioned me, damn it. he got me used to things and then decided he didn't want to do them anymore, and i had no say in it. i wasn't a part of that process. and of course i'm gonna try to be mature about it, because i AM understanding, but come one. do ya want something easy or something human? because something easy will not entail the level of sincerity that exists between two people being human with one another. not everyone will dance in the living room with you. not everyone is that cool. and i do believe that anyone who has walked away from me is missing out on an opportunity to continue growing with me, and we both lose.
and right now it seems he can't even be my friend, and that hurts too, because it makes him seem even more shallow. i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. he's got a week to speak up and be real rather than continuing to avoid me. i know it was silly to delete his stuff from my phone, but i knew it was important not to just text him, and i felt the email was good since it isn't something that he's going to see necessarily immediately. he'd understand it was something that needed to be said, and addressed, but that i couldn't handle hearing his voice. and now i feel like i can. only took a week. i wonder if he expected it to take longer. i wonder if i am supposed to stop talking to him--if that's what he did expect. it's weird to not really be together and then get dumped. it's weird. it's confusing. it's dating, i guess, but, call me crazy, i thought it would last longer. seemed to have that feeling.
it's so easy to be mad at him for disappointing me. and i keep coming back to wanting to feel alright, wanting to let go of those mad feelings to get back to the friendly ones. but i only knew the i wanna make out with him feelings, and felt like the cool person stuff was a bonus i couldn't deny existed. i guess maybe he got more than he bargained for as well, and while it might have been his original plan not to get too close, i still think it was cowardice to walk away from that.
but he's got goals. he's got plans. and they didn't involve me. and it was too hard to fit me into them, i suppose. so if he's more successful with getting what he wants with the next lady, god bless her for being able not to fall for him.
fae reminded me that with everything going on, it makes sense that i'm a bit emotional. i'm coping with a lot having had not a whole lot of time to wrap my mind around things before something else happened. i don't like that this is interfering with work and school. i made the joke about being in the hospital being the only way i'd get a break, and look what happened! but this is not what i meant. this is not what i wanted. i want to feel like my normal self. i want to be happy with where i'm at without feeling like i've failed at something. i want to be back to feeling empowered and powerful and desirable and independent. but when this stuff happens, it's hard not to feel like all that's an illusion easily shattered when shit hits the fan!
no--to give myself credit--i could be a lot worse. i'm not threatening suicide. i'm not crying non-stop. i'm able to get up and do shit during the day. this too shall pass, motherfuckers, this too shall pass.
but it's like...anyone could be gone at any moment. someone said something about knowing you could lose the person you love being the worst fear. i wish i could remember it more clearly. and when it came down to it, bob wasn't there for me. he let me come down to his house when i was mourning, drank with me, fucked me, treated it like a party, and then a week later decided that he wanted to pursue someone else. seems a lot like the minute shit got a little more real he ran.
and i hope that he has the support network he needs. i'm just bummed he doesn't seem so keen on keeping me a part of his. it makes me wonder what was up with monday. his texting me and then calling me and having this whole conversation as if we were just friends and as if nothing had happened. there must have been this moment when he thought he'd gotten away easy. like i was so cool i didn't even care that he'd told me he was done having sex with me. because i probably had someone else lined up? lol, i don't know, but it was clear to me after that i needed to say something or else i was going to continue feeling confused. i wonder what he learned from me.
i remember at some point he said he was a year behind me in terms of setting the next major long-term goal. he's been doing stuff with preparing to move to florida, but he's got a house he still owns. and he wants to date, but he's not ready for anything to get serious.
he was, in fact, going on about a self as house metaphor when we talked on monday. renting out space. but it still being his space. getting back to feeling like himself. sounded to me like he needed to get a smaller house. but i really didn't think i was ever taking up too much space in his house, and i guess i was. i was expendable. lol. oh my...
i'm going to try and sleep. my mind just keeps replaying the events of the past week and it still feels surreal, like a cruel practical joke. and my poor body is healing up, and i have to let it without pushing too hard, and so that means i can't feel guilty about not being able to go to class or work, at least for a few days. and that means a LOT of time alone. so that's the challenge. keep myself busy without fucking up the healing process. i know i can do it. i know my friends will help. i just hope bob can be a part of that support network. and if he can't i hope he tells me that so we can step past his little fib about wanting to be my friend.
i got dumped at the beginning of the week, and by the end was in the hospital awaiting a surprise surgery for a condition that had an unexpected complication.
forgive me if i feel like the universe is fucking with me a bit.
it's hard when someone decides they don't want to make the effort with you anymore. how are you not supposed to take that personally? like do guys see me and think, this chick is rational and has her shit together, can probably handle anything, so i'll just enjoy the shit out of her until i meet someone else who strikes my fancy. and even though that chick will probably not be as cool as this one i'm gonna bail on, i'll take my chances because it's better than being pinned down to one pussy.
i don't know. like i said, it's hard. the whole time i'm in the hospital, i'm having a hard time not thinking about how shitty my insurance is, and how expensive all that shit is, and then i feel bad because my sisters and mom have to take care of me, because i've got no one. and that made me feel like a burden. like a loser. who keeps getting cysts.
i don't look at myself that way. here's how i look at myself. and it constantly feels threatened, but i keep thinking it anyway, because i have to believe in myself in order to get up each day.
i'm amazing. i am. i manage to get through, i manage to smile, i smile even when everything is not okay, and not because i'm in denial or trying to distract myself.
and this man came along and fucked me all up because he conditioned me, damn it. he got me used to things and then decided he didn't want to do them anymore, and i had no say in it. i wasn't a part of that process. and of course i'm gonna try to be mature about it, because i AM understanding, but come one. do ya want something easy or something human? because something easy will not entail the level of sincerity that exists between two people being human with one another. not everyone will dance in the living room with you. not everyone is that cool. and i do believe that anyone who has walked away from me is missing out on an opportunity to continue growing with me, and we both lose.
and right now it seems he can't even be my friend, and that hurts too, because it makes him seem even more shallow. i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. he's got a week to speak up and be real rather than continuing to avoid me. i know it was silly to delete his stuff from my phone, but i knew it was important not to just text him, and i felt the email was good since it isn't something that he's going to see necessarily immediately. he'd understand it was something that needed to be said, and addressed, but that i couldn't handle hearing his voice. and now i feel like i can. only took a week. i wonder if he expected it to take longer. i wonder if i am supposed to stop talking to him--if that's what he did expect. it's weird to not really be together and then get dumped. it's weird. it's confusing. it's dating, i guess, but, call me crazy, i thought it would last longer. seemed to have that feeling.
it's so easy to be mad at him for disappointing me. and i keep coming back to wanting to feel alright, wanting to let go of those mad feelings to get back to the friendly ones. but i only knew the i wanna make out with him feelings, and felt like the cool person stuff was a bonus i couldn't deny existed. i guess maybe he got more than he bargained for as well, and while it might have been his original plan not to get too close, i still think it was cowardice to walk away from that.
but he's got goals. he's got plans. and they didn't involve me. and it was too hard to fit me into them, i suppose. so if he's more successful with getting what he wants with the next lady, god bless her for being able not to fall for him.
fae reminded me that with everything going on, it makes sense that i'm a bit emotional. i'm coping with a lot having had not a whole lot of time to wrap my mind around things before something else happened. i don't like that this is interfering with work and school. i made the joke about being in the hospital being the only way i'd get a break, and look what happened! but this is not what i meant. this is not what i wanted. i want to feel like my normal self. i want to be happy with where i'm at without feeling like i've failed at something. i want to be back to feeling empowered and powerful and desirable and independent. but when this stuff happens, it's hard not to feel like all that's an illusion easily shattered when shit hits the fan!
no--to give myself credit--i could be a lot worse. i'm not threatening suicide. i'm not crying non-stop. i'm able to get up and do shit during the day. this too shall pass, motherfuckers, this too shall pass.
but it's like...anyone could be gone at any moment. someone said something about knowing you could lose the person you love being the worst fear. i wish i could remember it more clearly. and when it came down to it, bob wasn't there for me. he let me come down to his house when i was mourning, drank with me, fucked me, treated it like a party, and then a week later decided that he wanted to pursue someone else. seems a lot like the minute shit got a little more real he ran.
and i hope that he has the support network he needs. i'm just bummed he doesn't seem so keen on keeping me a part of his. it makes me wonder what was up with monday. his texting me and then calling me and having this whole conversation as if we were just friends and as if nothing had happened. there must have been this moment when he thought he'd gotten away easy. like i was so cool i didn't even care that he'd told me he was done having sex with me. because i probably had someone else lined up? lol, i don't know, but it was clear to me after that i needed to say something or else i was going to continue feeling confused. i wonder what he learned from me.
i remember at some point he said he was a year behind me in terms of setting the next major long-term goal. he's been doing stuff with preparing to move to florida, but he's got a house he still owns. and he wants to date, but he's not ready for anything to get serious.
he was, in fact, going on about a self as house metaphor when we talked on monday. renting out space. but it still being his space. getting back to feeling like himself. sounded to me like he needed to get a smaller house. but i really didn't think i was ever taking up too much space in his house, and i guess i was. i was expendable. lol. oh my...
i'm going to try and sleep. my mind just keeps replaying the events of the past week and it still feels surreal, like a cruel practical joke. and my poor body is healing up, and i have to let it without pushing too hard, and so that means i can't feel guilty about not being able to go to class or work, at least for a few days. and that means a LOT of time alone. so that's the challenge. keep myself busy without fucking up the healing process. i know i can do it. i know my friends will help. i just hope bob can be a part of that support network. and if he can't i hope he tells me that so we can step past his little fib about wanting to be my friend.
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