Opening up to making new friends (but I really want a long distance romantic partner who's also sapiosexual)

February 15, 2025

Today was supposed to be a family Valentine's lunch with Noah's aunt and mom (all love deserves to be celebrated!), but the snow has forced us to cancel so that no one puts themselves at risk. I am a little sad. I was looking forward to some family time today. But I am also content to putter around the house the entire day. The thought of starting a new puzzle has me pretty happy, not gonna lie. 

There are times when I just want to ramble. And it's not really appealing to ramble with most people, because I just don't believe they really care. Not in a way that makes them really hear me. I feel like an alien a lot of the time, and even with the people who I'm close with. (ie, autistic.)

But then again, that might be more related to my mood than anything. Because when I'm more clearheaded and calm and centered, then it doesn't matter about how well someone understands me--it just feels good to be seen and feel like my thoughts and feelings do matter. They take up so much of my time and energy, on top of everything else I'm doing outwardly. 

--Edit* as I've embraced the developing relationship with myself, I've come to appreciate the time I give to myself. I realize that journaling, audio notes, talking aloud to myself--these are all acts of love and how I engage in the kind of conversations I need in those moments. While it does make me sad there aren't more people who can provide that for me. Or just one person committed to, it makes me feel good to be the one I need in those moments. It makes me emotional to think of how many times I have shown up for myself. I wish everyone could have a solid foundation of self-love before trying to be in a partnership with other people.

I joined a friend- or date-finding app for neurodivergent people. It was a bit impulsive, and a result of wishing I'd had more opportunity with T. I decided if he wasn't able to be what I was hoping for--someone to sext with occasionally who does a good job keeping in touch and checking in on me and sharing about his own experiences without ever needing something exclusive, and with the understanding that we would likely only physically see each other a couple times a year, depending on how much money he makes, because I'm down for longer weekends together quarterly as well--I was hoping I could find someone to fill that spot.

The problem always is that people are full people. It's hard to find exactly the type of personality I need to fit into this small space where I think someone can fit. I feel like I have a very realistic perspective, but that the whimsical and hopeful part of me still wants to give it a shot, because you never know unless you try. 

Other times I just come back to myself. I ask if there are deeper things I need that I'm using this as a way to try and fulfill? But I think it's just that I'd like to share some time in the free time I have with someone who will genuinely enjoy interacting. And perhaps that feels more pronounced because I live with someone who is very much addicted to screen time, and who is not interested in being more intentionally present. There is always a bit of sadness when plans have to be canceled when I really did have the spoons for more intense companionship. I can still sip on a spritzer if I want, but alcohol is more fun with people. 

Ah! Fun. It's one of my goals for the year, to have more fun. With others. In social things. This is a bit trickier living in a world with Covid. I'm trying to avoid becoming more disabled, but people don't make it easy! I guess that's why digital forums appeal. I want to enjoy having more fun alone too. I don't want to rely on others when I'm in a mood to be silly. Of course I have plenty of experience spending time with myself and enjoying my own company.

--Edit* there have been plenty of nights when I've turned on the music loud, danced and sung alone in my office, fully enjoying being in my body and stimming my little heart out. It makes me feel good that I've made an effort to enjoy time alone. Because it's something I wanted to do this year! back to February...

Speaking of, I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I've already befriended like ten people on the dating app. I went from saying for years that I didn't have time for more friends, to actively forming new connections with a bunch of people. There's a friend in Morocco, one in Belgium, one in England. I like talking with new people. I like hearing their stories. I like having a space where I can feel comfortable expressing myself without ever really having to worry about things getting too complicated, because there is not going to be the kind of daily, familiar closeness between people who are essentially pen-pals. And of course there are going to be people I actually develop crushes on, and people who have crushes on me that I don't reciprocate, and I'll probably have to say no thank you a lot more the longer I'm on the app. But I know that it's one of the only ways I do have to meet new people. And if I want to meet the version of T that I'd like to have in my life, then I better get to putting myself out there. 

I don't have a whole lot of time to give. And if I'm giving more of my time, then that's a problem, because it starts to be obsessive and take away from other things I should be doing. I have to be careful in that should realm, but the point is that there's a line where something isn't serving me anymore, it's just become another addiction. And we're aiming for the middle way here--a balanced life. Balanced pleasures and pains. Balanced play and work. And I do need a lot of play to balance out all the work!

--Edit* I lasted maybe two weeks on Hiki. I couldn't stand the constant barrage of sexual entitlement or whining from the men. The only way to filter it out was to select one of the focused topics the app had pre-selected for the different conversation tabs. I just wanted to filter out the sex talk. Not that I never want sex talk, but it was really fucking obnoxious and aggravating to see posts every other second that were men whining about how horny they were. Granted, this is also a classic example of my adhd brain, because as soon as the novelty of the app wore off to display the full range of people and needs who were all there, then it was just overwhelming and it also felt stupid to be making all these friends in places I could never get to. I'm not particularly looking for more virtual friends, even if I've accepted I just won't ever stop making friends. I felt bad that I just sort of ghosted so many people. I tried to send everyone a goodbye message, but then realized when I deleted my profile, it probably removed all my personal messages as well. So I just came off as a total flake. But oh well. I went back to Hinge after Hiki, after a little while. But that became just as useless. There are just really not that many people who are going to be able to provide what I really want. So I'm back to sexting with T and just enjoying that for what it is. The moment I try to share more with him, he retreats. But I understand he doesn't actually want to be my friend. Resume former processing...

I keep crying this week. All week. I am ovulating, so there's that. But Jesus, why? I have only myself to seek comfort from. Real comfort. Not just distraction from the pain that finds its way into the aching and longing that bubble up into tears. I guess I was looking forward to socializing so I didn't have to spend too much time in my feelings. Because it is an emotionally draining week, because I am ovulating. And I just want love and gentleness and warmth. Literally and emotionally. There is always a child in me who craves being cared for. Sometimes it's because I want a break from parenting myself!

But yeah, lots of moments of overwhelm this week. There's just always a lot, and never enough time to process anything. 

I was just thinking how adding more people to my life does take away from the time I can spend with myself. It's still a kind of chemical-seeking thing. But honestly, I don't mind the chemicals from spending quality time alone either. I don't run from my discomfort. I get confused around other people whose intentions I don't understand. But I don't shy away from uncomfortable feelings. Heavy feelings. Painful feelings. It's one of the things I'm proud of myself for. Because I've always found ways to look that shit in the face. Even though I ended up with some perfectionist tendencies, I do give myself a lot of credit for the ways I've managed my experiences and the unrelenting processing that goes along with being a sentient creature. 

I just don't understand how people can't spend any time alone. I don't understand the pandemic of loneliness. Because to me it indicates very immediately that the person did not grow up with the right emotional support. We should not be so starved for attention that we mistake horniness for loneliness. One of the biggest turn-offs is the guys on the app who just post begging for a girlfriend. It's so bizarre to me. On one hand, I can admire them asking for exactly what they want. On the other hand, I've never heard of so much long-distance relationship. The idea that someone far away loves us unconditionally and what, only fantasizes about us when they jerk it? I guess I just don't understand what people mean when they say girlfriend, and it seems to be very much more of a sexual fantasy accessory because men don't understand how to manage their sexuality. Women too. Some nonbinaries in there as well I'm sure. But predominantly people assigned male at birth. 

I'm thinking of my own history of horniness. It did complicate it so much. It got wrapped up in the ways my parents hadn't quite hit the mark with caring for me. So I was already out in the world looking for a kind of love I hadn't ever received, and then that got mixed up in being a horny teenager and wanting the pleasure of being touched and touching, heavy on the being touched because if I'm being honest I've always been a pillow princess. That should have been the first hint that I wasn't actually sexual in the ways other people were--I was more interested in my own pleasure, and saw satisfying other people as the thing I had to do to get to the part where I got to feel good. But then so much of the sex I had was centered around the dude's pleasure anyway. There were some great lovers in there. Some people with more experience. But I think a lot of guys probably appreciated that I didn't expect anything earth-shattering in our drunken escapades. I do remember waking up one time and because I hadn't been as sexual as the guy had hoped, he was masturbating next to me. Which is fine. We were already consenting. He was trying not to disturb me since I was sleeping lol. It breaks my heart to think that guy is dead now. If I had been the sexual partner he'd hoped for, would it have changed the course of his life?

When does it get to be about what I'm hoping for? My fantasies? It can be, and it is, really. Even the stuff with T. I realize there is an aspect of wanting more play from him, more fantasy, if he cannot give me the real thing. And when I step back into what it felt like only as his friend with no mutual crush, then it's easy to sort of step away emotionally too, because I can feel how much of the shift had to do with my desire for pleasure as opposed to who he actually is as a person (though what little I do know of him is a huge turn-on: queer, politically left like I am, understands how toxic capitalism is and how sick our society is). 

I guess I'm looking for my emotional equal. But like someone with that and who really turns me on. Or who turns me on exactly at the right times. 

The logistics of having sex do not appeal to me in the slightest. In fact, I'd be more content to consider being a slut again after menopause just so I could eliminate the terror of getting pregnant. It's easy to fantasize where there are no consequences. No STIs. No emotional disappointments. But I'm not the fantasy forever type. I can't even hold onto actual dreams, so holding onto a fantasy that I keep replaying and editing for orgasms just doesn't really do it for me. 

Orgasms have always served as form of release. Stress release. Brain release. I watched _Welcome to Me_ the other night and it was hilarious. The main character keeps telling people how she used masturbation as a sedative since 1991. Or something like that. And it just makes me chuckle, because I understand that. I understand using orgasms as a way to coax my body into sleep because I have a hyperactive mind that for many, many years has made it difficult to have a consistent and healthy sleep schedule. 

Another reason I felt like the asexual spectrum applied to me was because there were times when my desire felt very much like a burden. An annoyance. Like I could be expending my energy in such different ways, but there was sex distracting me and affecting my body. Men get random erections. My symptoms aren't external, but it's annoying sometimes to get up and realize how wet I am. 

And here I am trying to break into soft core porn, hoping I can do enough that some horny people find titillating that they're willing to pay me for content so that I can buy groceries. That's where I'm at in life. No energy to pursue an entire new fucking career path, but willing to show some skin on camera for money.

Oh, I was going to say about orgasms that when you especially can't just have them in the privacy of your home whenever you need to, it also becomes one of those exciting things you do only at specific times under the right circumstances. When I lived alone, orgasms were not that exciting. Now, they're more special because they're so selectively executed.  Which is true about sex as well. There was a time when it was much easier to have sex. Now it's much less frequent, and I'm much picker about my partners. Because I don't ultimately just want sex. I want real connection. I want real intimacy. I want real companionship. So far, I have never had a romantic relationship that included the compatibility I deserved. 

--Edit* the above statement seems a bit false. It is very rare that people come along who want me who I also want. So a lot of times when there is a mutual attraction, I'm so excited by it that I'm not really thinking about anything long term (I think this is probably related to the adhd as well). And the times when I have made an effort not to rush into something, well I end up rushing anyway. I don't think I've ever taken considerable time with someone to see if they are compatible in the ways I would need for a partner. But then, I also didn't think much about the rubric I was using to determine that either. Now I know better, but I haven't had a single opportunity to apply. It's hard sometimes not to feel like I'm settling in many instances. Carry on...

Again, I give myself credit for the ways I've worked on being good alone. The ways I've nurtured the connection I have with myself. The ways I've loved myself and prioritized my needs and validated myself without going to someone else.

But to be seen is such a drug. Connecting is a drug--a full range of drugs. And despite my accomplishments with inner peace, my ego still exists and likes to frolic. As long as I can be honest about things, then I'm doing my best. And I don't need to put so much pressure on myself to understand things in a way that doesn't allow for deviation from my own norms. I'm still exploring. I'm still learning about myself. My needs change over time. I change over time. It's all good and it's all fascinating, and it's my favorite kind of ride. 

In my profile, I put that I wasn't really looking for new friends, but that this didn't ever seem to stop me from making them. I wanted to signal that I was kind of open to whatever happened, but I did emphasize the things I'm really hoping for--connection, play, engagement. I get those things elsewhere too, but I do have a lot of love to offer. And as long as I remain mindful of boundaries, then why the heck not see what happens?