not quite a month since i said goodbye to Magellan

 february 19, 2024

it's still difficult to talk about the fact that Magellan died. it was so unexpected. and i was not yet far enough from the loss of Tina to even fully grasp what was happening (it hasn't been 2 years since Tina died). i know death is never easy. sometimes it is more of a relief. i couldn't let Magellan continue on in pain, losing weight, i couldn't let her body waste away to death. her coat was still soft, thick, shiny when she died. i remember the vet's assistant petting her, touching her fur and remarking how soft she was. it was so hard to say goodbye. but i did, because it wasn't fair to keep her, and i couldn't afford any further treatment to help her. 

so that was a really shitty thing to happen at the start of the year. the trick has been to redirect the intrusive thoughts of losing her. shift my focus onto the happy memories i have. but then i just miss her company, and it's so fresh i get to crying again. which is fine. that's just where things are. 

it's the first time since i was in elementary school, if not younger, that i have not had a cat. there has always been at least one feline in my life. so Magellan's absence is even more pronounced, because there is no other little furball to keep me company. to come into my room when i am alone. to ask me to play with her. to bring me a toy. to rub up against me, asking for pets. 

i have plans to adopt callie from fAe. it's already in motion. but i need more time with my fresh grief. i don't want to just pretend it's not there. i want to allow myself to feel it, and to miss her, and to be sad. and then, in a couple months or so, i'll feel ready to have another little companion, and to love another creature. to be an even better caretaker because i've learned more, and can be more present than i was in the past. 

there has been so much grief. seems like every time i turn around, someone else is dying. 

my mother has covid again, and i'm freaked the fuck out. i am so scared she is going to end up with long-term damage from all these rounds of covid. and it's fucking preventable. but mike and her insist on going out so goddamn much. to places that are not going to be safe with lots of people who aren't masking. 

but i can't control it. all i can do is pray she doesn't have long term consequences that shorten her lifespan! it's awful. but i just can't dwell in the worry.

i've bee successful with my daily goals. i'm really proud of myself for it. i've been keeping busy in all the different ways to stimulate my mind, body, and spirit. i've got the daily workout. i've got music with cory. i've got the group. i've got learning spanish. i've got working on the nonprofit. i've got paid work with the data annotation. i've got a video game i like. i've got a party coming up. i've got an active social life with my local friends and with my long-distance friends i have regular visits. i am thoroughly engaged with my life, and i still operate largely covid-aware. i avoid crowded public spaces. 

i feel my feelings, i'm making more connections within my body, i'm taking my vitamins every day, i'm remembering sunscreen and flossing. i'm trying to eat as many veggies as i can. but i'm also being really gently with myself. i'm not letting old habits beat myself up. if i need to rest, i rest. if i need stimulation, i pursue it. i am thoroughly enjoying being able to completely make my own schedule, according to my needs and rhythms. i have flexibility to make plans. i have been connecting with more people. i can't say that i have a whole lot more energy now that i'm working out every day, but i do think that it helps to support feeling better within more days, even with factors like cramps from my period. the magnesium seems to help with how my body feels and some of the peri symptoms too. 

but i do miss Magellan terribly. i still see her out of the corner of my eye. or i'll think i hear her coming down the steps. she was such a sweet fucking cat, and i'll be so lucky if the next kitty who lives with me is even half as loving and affectionate. i think callie will be happy with me, here. i hope so.