when i think of you

january 21, 2024, 3am

i remember wandering together through the streets in florence. 

drunk on the art 

pouring down every path. talking about life. philosohy. 

i remember how happy i was to have your attention. to feel seen. 

not on a pedestal, but just drenched in my own shimmering magic, your eyes taking it all in, sparkling blue back at me. 

near the canal on a side street in venice, we sat on the ground. i was talking as usual. 

and in the middle of a sentence you kissed me. 

gently. but insistently. like it couldn't wait any longer. but you didn't disrupt me with your desire,

you just drank me up. let me keep spilling over,

all my ideas, all my tangents and poetry. all my excitement. wrapped up the novelty of you and how you saw me. you sat with me in awe.

we drank cheap wine on the steps of the duomo, talked with other tourists about bob marley. we sat with the guitarist in venice in a buzzing piazza, intoxicated by a spanish lullaby. i sang along to "zombie" before we ate pasta and talked aboit what was going on between us. i don't remember what we said there. 

we stood on the steps outside the apartment in florence and sang beatles songs between kisses, delaying our bedtime to dance together under the streetlights, where other sleepy adventurers passed by us. i didn't really notice anyone else. it was the most romantic time of my life. such a short chapter. but

a really perfect one. 

no sex. we took a nap together, and i borrowed your shorts, and that was all the intimacy i ever needed.

but half a dozen years later, you were back for a visit, and there in your childhood bedroom we consummated our affair with each other,

drunk again on each other's energy. you had done a show that night. and your parents lived in the same neighborhood as my godmother, just a few blocks away really. i had to be quiet because your room bordered your parents, and i have never been the type to disrespect someone's peace that way.

then you were gone again. 

you shiwed up again when i was working on the nonprofit. signed up for a few appointments. but then moved on, again. i still felt your kindness, but something was different. i realized how long it had been since i met that man in italy. 

you found new love again. and faded into your own life once more. 

i have never understood why there are some people i just always enjoy. or if i would love someone the same if our time together was never

interrupted. 

sometimes i wonder about all those transient affairs. 

were they easier? was it easier to keep things so brief? was it a gift to contain such fierce love in those short moments together? 

so fleeting. 

but here the memories are, twirling around in my mind as i lie in bed on the other side of the state from where you are. 

i wonder what keeps you up at night.