mood journaling in 2024

january 13, 2024

this is supposed to be the year of the harvest, of reaping what i have sewn. and i'm trying to lean into that while still cultivating habits that support my mental health and wellness. not in the creepy wellness cult sort of way, in a sincerely loving way, as part of my efforts to continually nurture the relationship i have with myself and my body, my beautiful vessel that has made it possible to experience the senses i enjoy so much for all the ways they support my pleasure and ecstasy. 

that might sound a little culty. but it's just the cult of self-love and adoration. the cult of we're not going to keep hating ourselves so that we are never enough. we aren't going to keep letting capitalism tell us we need to keep consuming in order to be fulfilled or achieve a level of status created by businessmen who cared nothing for anyone but themselves and their own progeny, lest their names be tarnished by some future transgressor, even blood has a price.

not a cult because we only ask people to drink water. and we're aware of the poison in the ecosystems from which we retrieve said water. we just need to try and stay hydrated.

not a cult because we just try to use less plastic, and try to act in ways that our carbon footprint isn't that impressive.

we're the ones who grew up talking about how detrimental pollution was to the earth and to us, acknowledging there is a symbiosis, because we are all connected. we exist in every generation, and some of us manage to persevere despite the continuous colonization of stories and knowledge. 

i am grateful for my connection, and sometimes i also struggle with it. but many issues in my life can be resolved by a kind of re-establishing of connection. sometimes it's a connection to the ground, and i need to go for a stroll, let my feet pad against the earth, feel it meet each step and find a rhythm. other times it's evidently through various kinds of touching, including the occasional intercourse. but i prefer hugs that don't feel sexual. other times it's through making music with someone. there are all kinds of ways that i enjoy connecting with others, and communicating with them in some manner, or using tools together to communicate about myself, i suppose. i revel in it--those connections. and i am proud of myself for letting myself enjoy sex, even though i wasn't sure what it meant. i am glad i could listen to my body, and enjoy myself in a way that i don't very often. and that i did not have to maintain a relationship afterward.

a friend of mine was really focused on the idea of forgiving oneself for holding onto things. but i don't agree that there was anything that requires forgiveness. i am not mad at myself for holding onto things. they served me. they helped me to move through whatever i needed to move through at the time, and there isn't anything wrong with taking souvenirs of times in our life that meant something to us. so there is no need to forgive myself for holding onto things. i simply acknowledge what no longer serves me, and thank it for what it helped me through--it's the same kondian advice i've been adapting to my methods since i learned about it. 

it's like emotional hoarding. there are things we need to cope. and if we don't know any better, there might be things we latch onto in order to survive. no one need feel guilty for surviving. this world demands it. 

i will take some time to look over the actual subject, which was not my friend's first, so that i can learn more about it from sources that are not straight white dudes. that matters to me. but i'm glad he's a white dude who listens to the teachings that are older than anything judeochristianity has to offer. 

i've got another phone call, a video call actually, in about 15 minutes, and then i can do whatever the fuck i feel like doing today. it would be good to get some movement in, especially after a day when i rested a lot in bed. but i do still feel sluggish. the weather doesn't help. i am loving this chai from tj maxx, much as i'm embarrassed to say it! it's delicious, and tastes like chai, and hopefully the turmeric helps with my joints to make some of my stretching even better. i feel fortunate in that i don't feel as uncomfortable or pained in my body as some people my age. but i experience disability with my mental health, and any time i have a cyst flare up, or some ailment like the pinched nerve that made it really hard to exist for a while. grateful for my good health. i do try to support it. i'm thrilled with my progress taking vitamins more consistently. i do think that will really help with my peri symptoms too, if that's what they were. and i think it might help with my mood as well. 

there is a seminar i signed up for; it wasn't that expensive, and it's like 3 sessions. i like that it combines the topics of shadow and somatic something. it should be interesting. i know it's good to keep up with the trends. but the basics for mental health, aside from people who can be good at identifying and diagnosing disorders is just to help support it with those age-old things: hydration, sunlight, proper nutrition, proper rest, enough movement, enough sleep, enough engagement, enough solitude, enough reflection. i think so often how fortunate i am to be able to better support these things now, and i'm not even that health-conscious. or maybe that health-focused i should say. i feel i have to be as part of my work, because if i'm really unhealthy in one way, that seems to contradict the tenets i kind of subscribe to. which is really just balance. everything in the right doses. nothing excessive for anything. the middle way--it's not my idea, but it's what has always made such sense to me. but here i am at 43 still trying to adapt my routine. still trying to form healthier habits. remove some that aren't. 

dry january is a thing for a lot of people, but i decided to buy a bottle of wine instead. 6 actually. i figure i drink once a month, that's enough for 6 months. probably longer, since i'm not consistent with my drinking. but point being i don't do it often, and when i do, i like to enjoy myself. and i've learned how to support my body being able to process it like i've had to learn with anything. ugh, cheese. some day i will be able to let you go, but that someday is not now. 

just like some day i'll be able to vote for someone i really support, but that someday is not any time soon. doesn't mean i can't strive for it. doesn't mean i'm not aware how awful the option actually is. but i'm doing my personal best, and that has to be enough. i really am trying. 

i am trying and i am very comfortable. it's surreal to be talking about traveling to greece while i'm not technically employed. it's weird. but i have faith in myself. i have faith in things coming together the way they need to, and the way they must in order for me to keep being awesome. 

i have worked on stepping into my power. i'm still working on it. but i am much more acquainted with it, and i do hope that there is plenty to harvest this year!