it's scary, but i know i'm not alone

 i did it. i decided to leave my job. if it wasn't the universe causing a miscommunication to lead to 12 weeks' of pay and my exit from the company's employment, i don't know what is. 

there was some time initially when i felt so scared. i still do. but just having a transitional source of income, knowing i have a way to make some money, and some time to figure out what the next step is, exactly, feels so good. liberating, yes. and i feel more calm than i have in a little while. it was so much work to do that work, because of the people i had to work with as well--the higher ups. my team was awesome, but also not my age. and the people who were seemed very pro-capitalism. i treasure the relationships i was able to nurture in the time i was there, and i don't regret making more of an effort to connect with the people on my immediate team. they are all lovely people. a diverse group that has enough in common with me that we enjoy each others' company. it's reassuring to meet people in their late 20s who get it. you know the next generations will put up with even less of the establishment's bullshit. enough people with feminist ideals are procreating and raising kids and educating them that we stand a chance if the world doesn't implode first. or get hit with a big enough asteroid. 

i know it's all about being able to be present. there is nothing wrong with some planning. with some idea of security for when you're old. but it is true that it's through privilege or good luck that we end up in any economic position for certain security. the best most of us can ask for is at least the start of an IRA. something that rolls into the various jobs we have. 

i enjoyed working for a startup. they did things with integrity, or at least tried to initially, even though there were some things they decided that did not align with my principles (like the santa hat theme that was automatically applied come december, rather than being an option or simply being a winter hat that sits with the snowy background, rather than a hat that clearly belongs to saint nick--a symbol ubiquitous with christmas, which is a holiday not all people celebrate, and is therefore not an inclusive symbol). but once the acquisition happened, i think it was only a matter of time before i couldn't take anymore of the nonsense. like being treated in every way as though i'm full-time but without being eligible for other positions within their company, simply because i'm not "available" for them 5 days a week? working for a company that is still operating according to archaic business models that do not have the health and well-being of the employees in mind does not align with my needs. it does not serve me. it did. temporarily, and it doesn't anymore, and i'm proud of myself for moving on when provided with the chance to receive some additional PTO and a severance package. 

i learned a lot. i know i did. other people know i did. it was extra reassuring hearing people praise their experience working with me. praising the work that i did and my work ethic. it was nice to know some people saw me. because i knew the company had no idea what it was really losing. but i also know bending to their will would have only further destroyed my spirit. would have required more counter-stress that there wouldn't have been in any time in the week, many of them, for. 

so it's nice to be here. it's nice to be at the beginning of another chapter. i do have faith in myself. and with the added help of some of the people who love me, i can keep moving forward. i have the strength and ability, and i have the support. i am in the best position possible for unemployment, and it is not the same as it was in 2020. things are very, very different now. 

that trauma response that happened was really just the part of me still affected by what happened before. it was an extra difficult time. 

fAe and i were processing the trip a little bit more, and he said maybe it was to show me how tough i am. we both laughed because what an awful way to remind myself of that. hahaha. but it's true that i am tough. and it's true that i recognized even in the moment i had a choice between wallowing in misery the whole time i felt sick, or at the very least trying to soak up what was most immediate to my senses to enjoy where i was, and the opportunity to see the sky from a different place in the world. 

i have a lot of anxiety about someone being mad at me. i think it still comes from the same place where i know i'm a burden to others. and really that's just the way that i felt being raised by a parent who didn't have the resources she needed to feel safe and healthy. i know, rationally, that none of us is a burden, or that if we are, it's because a system has been rigged against us belonging. capitalism doesn't make room for everyone, it requires a social darwinism in order to make any sense, and that means there are always people we will let suffer. because it isn't possible to have equity under this. not with how the wealth is dispersed. not with hierarchies and extreme divides between the wealthy and the poor. not without universal healthcare. and universal basic income. and a change in the hearts of the many who've bought into capitalism. 

we hates it.

but there are plenty of people talking about how we hate it, about how it doesn't work, how it perpetuates war and inequity and violence an injustice. there are more kids who grow up understanding that one shouldn't pledge allegiance to an empty symbol. no nation under god would treat its citizens the way ours, and so many other countries', are treated. 

one of the group members came in with such sorrow over the genocide happening in Gaza. i could only empathize, and try to remain grounded in the safety of the room where i sat with these beautiful people, coming together for discourse. for each other. for all of us. i know i have to filter things. it doesn't mean i'm not aware, and it doesn't mean i'm doing nothing. i know my role in the revolution, and i have to nurture my own spirit so that the atrocity of violence doesn't swallow my soul. i have to have boundaries with what i consume, because if i feel defeated, that is when i become powerless. but when i manage healthy boundaries and am intentional about what i consume, then i am better able to digest it and respond to it with love. i can support the voices of the oppressed. i don't have to be consumed by the wars that are raging on at any given moment in time on this planet. and my awareness of them doesn't require me to sacrifice my own joy. joy is a revolutionary act too. always. queer joy included!

it has been so good to rest. so i'm going to tend to that need, and get along with my day as i see fit. because i can! i am so thankful for the present.