we only matter to the people who we matter to

august 24, 2022

the power went out again today two hours into my shift. since it wasn't my first rodeo, i took quicker action than the last time. called kelly, put my stuff into a bag, grabbed a bottle of water and my frozen meal for lunch. but just as i was about to head out the door, i heard a beep, and the sound of the air conditioner upstairs coming back on. 

i wasn't celebrating yet. i went out behind our apartment where workers were to see if they were done turning off the power. 

"are you guys going to be done soon?" i asked to the person who actually looked at me when i called out. he said they would be a little while. i explained i worked from home. he said the power should be back on. i said it was, and clarified, "are you done turning the power off?" and he said they were. 

on facebook i vented for the first time in a while, and now i'm just reflecting on why the whole ordeal was so triggering. i know part of it is the "just-world" response i have with these things. there is no reason why they couldn't have emailed people to let them know. a text message would have been better. a friend said in the city they're required to give 24 hour's notice, and suggested i contact the township to see if there are regulations for the utility company. that just sounds like more work, but when i did email the electric company, there was no accountability. they tried to say it may not have been planned maintenance. which i knew couldn't be the case since they were replacing a transformer. it hadn't blown. and then they were back today--still no notice. 

but it's one of those things that happens and reminds me that unless i have lots of money, nobody gives a shit if i'm negatively affected by actions like this. i can only imagine what it's like to be in other marginalized groups, how unimportant or irrelevant i would be made to feel if i were a black woman. because as it is, i don't matter much to anyone but the people who care about me. 

and there is no option for a different provider. i mean, there is, but it would be the same company providing the actual service. so it's a lie that companies can't have a monopoly. they can and they do, and then they just get away with poor service because consumers don't have an option to go with someone better anyway. 

so it makes me mad, and it makes me feel powerless, and it makes me frustrated that these things happen in 2022. but i know the only person it's hurting to stay mad is me. i could feel my blood pressure rising. i took 2 hits from my vape to calm the fuck down. i drank water. i got back to what i could control. but that didn't stop me from feeling so fucking angry. 

i made the joke on facebook that i would be a terrible hulk. and it's true. with certain triggers, i don't do a very good job about controlling my reaction, even if externally i don't yell or pitch a fit, internally my body is fuming. and that pisses me off too. i want to be allowed to be angry. it feels like i'm not. because it could hurt me in the long run. 

but now my shift is over, and hopefully i'll have electricity all evening so that i can decompress from work, eat some good dinner, and just relax for the time i'm not obligated to work for someone else.