i can feel the depression trying to settle in

 october 24, 2022

there is nothing particularly wrong, but i can feel the depression trying to take hold of my emotions. like an old friend who i don't really want to see any more but who is so familiar, it's easy enough to let them in to rest. but i know better. i know it won't serve me. and i know i will be able to say goodbye before it takes up too much space. 

i'm going to combat the depression with a few things today. it didn't help that i didn't eat first thing, but i'm not perfect. and i didn't get up in time to fix food before i had to leave for the dentist. the next to last appointment i should have other than regular cleanings. but i did forget tooth floss, so i'll need to run back out at some point and grab that from rite aid. 

my crush is coming for a little tonight and that is another way that i know the depression is trying to wriggle its way in--i'm not even that excited about it. i'm going to make some delicious corn chowder, and i can use up the rest of the syrian bread i have. i admit though--all i really want to do is talk to him and make out. i don't want to eat. i don't want to have a cocktail. i want to be comfortable in my home with him, and kiss for as long as we feel like kissing. hands can wander a bit. some gentle massaging, caressing, holding. but no wandering hands going south past the waist. just hardcore kissing. that's what i really want.

and i may have the opportunity. i know he wants to have a little chat. he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. i don't either. but at this point, the only thing that would hurt is if he's already decided that he wants to be with one of the other women he's dating monogamously. 

my mouth hurts just a bit, but it's more of an ache, a throbbing than hurt. and i know that i can take an ibuprofen. 

it's good to think of what i'd like to address in therapy, if i even can have therapy any more. but i would think that she would have let me know if there were an issue and i had to stop seeing her immediately. i have no problem paying out of pocket for one or two sessions, but i can't afford to keep paying if she isn't certified for my specific insurance, and i really don't want to start over. i know that space is precious, and i know i benefit from having someone to speak with. but if i have to pay out of pocket, then i will just have to be my own therapist for a little while. 

the thought of that depresses me further, lol. but i am not going to dwell on it until i know what's happening. 

i bought two new lipsticks today so that i can throw away some of the older ones. but i probably won't, because the shades i have are hard to find, and i don't want to get rid of what i may need at some point again. the new red i bought--i like it. but i'm still going to have to figure out how i'd like to wear it. i used to matte my lipstick so it wouldn't smudge using some powder. nowadays i don't have powder, and i don't particularly want to buy some just for the sake of matting my lipstick that i wear about twice a year. i would wear it more often, but i don't like how it comes off any time i eat or drink. 

anyway, i just feel blah. i guess i can think about how i need to execute the rest of the day. if i want to get in my tummy exercises, then those have to be done by 4, because i do want to start cooking by 4 so that i have plenty of time after therapy and before handsome gets here. i'll finish therapy at 6. so...exercises at 3, nice shower afterward, then preparing the start of the chowder with much less salt this time. and then i can have therapy, and finish the chowder. he has a meeting at 6pm, so he probably won't be here until 6:30 or 7pm, which is fine even though i know he will only stay a couple of hours. i was just very much looking forward to having him over while noah was gone so that we could have total privacy in my domain, where i feel most in my element. 

and that is what i want to harness. i want to feel and look like a goddess so that i am irresistible. that all starts with some tummy exercises, so i better finish my coffee so that i can get to it! it's already nearly 3, and i have things to do. gotta leave time for my make up after my shower and before cooking.  

update - may 22, 2023. I did throw away those lipsticks this week when I was cleaning out my old Caboodle to hold all the new make-up that I've gotten with a subscription. It makes much more sense to me to have a smaller version of something that I don't want to commit to, just to try out. And plenty of the things I get are still not really for me, but it's never bad to explore and see what works and what doesn't. I learn more about how beautiful I am with every experiment.