grief & gratitude

august 28, 2022

today my pappou died. i don't know if there were people in the room with him. i don't know if anyone held his hand as he took his last breaths. but i know that my intuition was correct, and that it was finally, finally his time to go. i know that he can reconnect with the energies of the loved ones who transitioned before him.

it is not the first time i have had gut feelings. but it was one of the first times i listened, even though i thought i was maybe just being silly. the medium told me my grandmother told her that i come from a long line of witchy women. and i know that for a long time i tuned out the part of me that was more open to things that weren't just corporeal. 

but it is hard to trust my gut. or to intuit what it's trying to tell me.

marci says people come back into my life because we have more to learn from one another. and i know we can't always get what we want. but since i'm not totally sure what i want (more what i don't), and since i am still learning how to listen to my kwn intuition, i don't want to draw a single conclusion about whatever it is that is happening with the unexpected appearance of an old crush, at a time in my life when i am content not to feel attracted to anyone. 

but i would be lying if i said i don't want something to happen. something more than friendly. something that compliments where i am in my life, which is a pretty happy place, generally speaking. 

i know my pappou worried about me being alone. i hope he can tell now, even more clearly, that i am not alone, and that he needn't worry about how i will do. i hope he can see how much the love of my family helped shape the strength in my heart, that seeks time and again to contribute more light to the world around me, in as many ways as i can. i hope he can see i am trying to learn from my family's mistakes. from their heartache. that he knows how hard i have worked to manage my own demons, and find a way to peace in this lifetime that does not depend on anyone outside myself, but that is also so deeply enriched by the lives whose spirit thread has crossed with mine. i know he was proud of me. i know he was hoping things went differently. i would like to be better about always finding the goodness in the cards that i'm dealt. i know my pappou lives on in me, and every ripple i send out into the world. 

when i spent time with my crush and his daughters, it felt like being with family. on one hand, i think that is a testament to the warmth that he nurtured in his children, that he taught them. my heart fell so full leaving his house, and because i was so full of love, it didn't even matter in the moment what would happen after. having the opportunity to connect with a person, with people who share so much love for each other was really beautiful. and i know my pappou would have appreciated that visit. he would be happy i had such a nice time. with such good people. he would be happy for the relationships i form and for the ways that i am more selective now of the people i do give my energy to.

my heart is tender. i am vulnerable, and full of lots of thoughts and emotions. i haven't even begun the extent of reminiscing i will do as part of my reflection on the times i had with my pappou. only my uncle remains of the generation after my father's father. my uncle. his son. vasili's daughters. the great grandsons. 

i enjoyed today being able to rest in bed with the heaviness and lightness in my heart. i initially crawled into bed to nap after lunch, because i had a bit of a headache (from a bit of a hangover). i was already being gentle with myself because i knew i needed rest. and as i ate my dinner, my mom told me the news about pappou. i cried. i wanted to be held. i wanted to be comforted. i wanted to be with someone i could just be vulnerable with. i did go donwstairs to let noah know what i was dealing with. he stood because he saw that i was crying, but i just needed him to know. i wasn't seeking comfort from him. i didn't want him to touch me.

and now it is almost 1am. almost 24 hours since the magical night with my crush and his family ended.

i am glad i got to tell my pappou i loved him one last time. i believe a part of him knew i was there with him. touching his shoulder. holding his hand. telling him it was okay. he was so frail. so unlike the man i knew most of my life. i am so relieved he is not suffering any longer. i know he is at peace. i know it. and that is comforting, though the loss is so painful.