5 minutes of mindfulness, and then some

august 8, 2022

i'm about to join a virtual call to get my certification for medical cannabis. it's an interesting time to be alive.

i have felt very full this summer. maybe that's why i don't have much of an appetite--i already feel satiated and content. 

i had a peach for breakfast just now. had a delicious cup of coffee earlier, sat at my desk to work on the website for the nonprofit i started. 

i have all sorts of feelings about work, but at the end of the day, i still feel strongly that it does not need to be my passion, and that i don't have to compromise my integrity or my needs for my paycheck. but that it still doesn't mean work is a significant part of my identity. i like compartmentalizing my job. and i don't like when i am thinking about it outside of the hours that the company has paid me to think about them. 

i can't fake emotions. that was one of the things kate talked about last week during our porch visit. and it was nice to be reminded of the things i experience as well, in different forms, and to have that validation when so many other people seem to be able to function according to a set of rules i find absurd and counterproductive. 

but i have six minutes now until my appointment, and i want to be sure that the link is working. 

august 10th

i have another cyst on my labia, just inside the main fold on the left side. really not far from my clit. it hurts. i have been in moderate pain all day. just took an advil before getting into bed. it's enough to make me wish i never got aroused, if it will mean these constant blockages for the rest of my life (not that those are what cause it, i just always feel like i am being punished when i have these issues). if there were an easy way to treat it, that would be one thing. i do think if i were a man, and it were a penis issue, there would be pills to manage the condition.

i need to stop spending money. i have to really give myself an allowance if i am going to save as much as i need to and get my credit card debt down. i was doing so well with only one credit card. now i have 3. it has increased my overall credit line, but it's too hard to resist shopping online for that dose of dopamine i get when something shiny and new arrives. i have a more stressful week, i go online. i order some stuff. packages arrive. so much cardboard and plastic waste. i try not to beat myself up. the cycle continues. i justify spending by thinking of how little i was able to get for so long. but i wonder when the consumption will end. when will i have enough? when will i have to throw away more things? i just want a house where my things can truly stay, and where i can come back to each time i am weary from my travels. 

so i need an amount that i permit myself each payday. an allowance. i don't have to spend it all. i can save it too. but i cannot exceed the amount i designate as my spending money. the rest needs to go between savings, paying down credit cards, and more savings. 

i feel like 50 a paycheck is reasonable. that's a hundred a month on fun. which should be more than enough. i have the rainy day fund. i would like to keeo my checking account close to 600 at all times. right now there are still some things that haven't cleared. 

so 50 toward me. then all the stuff that comes out automatically for gusto wallets. including the new citizens account i linked. then money to credit cards. and anything beyond the 50 i am allowed to keep in checking either goes toward keeping my checking balance as close to 600 as possible, or goes into my credit union savings. i think that's a solid plan. and of course the cards are there for if something comes up. 

besides the pain. besides starting my week with severe cramping and diarrhea, i am doing pretty well. i had moments of feeling like people didn't take me seriously. didn't trust my intelligence. but that's just all me, innit? just my own doubts. not feeling good about navigate. not feeling good about some of the people i know. not feeling good about living in the town where i do. just wanting to do more to be part of the solution, but simultaneously wanting nothing but rest and to be left alone. to be cut off from all media and nonsense. all covid numbers and vaccine refusal chaos. all supply chains and genetically modified food. i don't even trust the soil. how can i? everything has been contaminated. there are microparticles of plastic in our bodies. in all bodies. bet the dinosaurs never saw that coming. living on inside the species that would eventually replace them.

so i am good when i don't dwell. and it continues to be tricky--allowing myself to feel, honoring those emotions, while also choosing to move on from them. choosing not to stay in my anger. knowing it doesn't serve me. 

talking with kate was lovely. talking with ayanna, wonderful. talking with amanda, real shit. talking with kelly, delightful. talking with hopie, so sweet. but i think i need a break. i need a day or 2 of not talking to people. some time just to rest. it was the most gratifying for me talking with hopie. i was rested. the day was relaxing. i didn't have to labor. conversation was even, not me mostly listening and focusing on what the other person needed to process. which happens quite a bit. maybe that's just another trauma response. at this point, what isn't?

i haven't moved much and the advil seems to be helping. i just wish people knew...how much they are admired. i suppose that goes for me too. but i wish we didn't have to suffer so damn much. and i know there are lessons in the pain. beauty sometimes too. that it's part of the binary for understanding joy and all the things on the opposite side of the spectrum from the things we wish we could avoid. 

there is that part of me that does want to be heard. like the way i hear fiona apple's music. the way the words make sense, even if i don't relate. the way her truth still resonates. how it's beautiful even if i don't share the experience, even if it's harsh. but i hear her through those songs, and i feel understood even though we are strangers. i do wish i could do that for more people. for all the lonely people.

i worry sometimes there is something wrong with me because i am not lonely. how could i be? i haven't had much time alone for 3 years. and before that i didn't have so many nights i missed having company. i liked living alone, tucked away in the country, next door to 2 close friends in case some weird shit went down. even then i wasn't alone. but i had alone time. plenty of it. and now there is none. i do miss it. but i am also grateful for all the connections i have. they are what make my life feel abundant. full. meaningful.