sittin up in my room

march 24, 2022

i'm actually lying up in my room. finally climbed into bed after putzing around for about two hours after noah and i finished watching television. i pit up some more decorative shelves last night, and i keep simply enjoying the aesthetic appeal of my bedroom. the novelty of a nicely and newly decorated wall. my knick-knacks interspersed with various lines running horizontally and vertically. strands of beads hung around tacks. my reminder to breathe. a candle for every wall of the room. my yaya's dresser. the ceramic tile with a navajo artist's print from tricia. the yellow gold-framed mirror my mother gave me. 

these things make me feel loved. and grateful. and content. and comfortable. to have this space for my stuff is a privilege. but not a day goes by that i take it for granted. and i try my best to take care of it. 

but i do sit and simply stare around me. sometimes it feels surreal. to have all this. to have such abundance of beauty and comfort. it feels like more than i deserve, but i know anybody deserves it. anybody. including me. so i just relish it. appreciate every silly piece. 

i have also been, little by little, letting things go. i went through a desk drawer tonight. took out each pen, marker, pencil, sharpener, container, forgotten thing. tested the pens, threw out the ones that were dried out. let go of the one from my high school trip to montreal. tossed a souvenir one from new york. 

from time to time i go through small areas and throw things away. and mind you--i have more coming in. my candle addiction. all the shelves i've bought. the kitchen appliances and accessories. a box of fifty screw hooks--because i use them for a lot of stuff. the fabric drawer with all my sunglasses. the many bowls throughout the house that small items i need easy access to randomly. the papers and mail tucked in drawers and bins. the books. the cords. the bottles of stuff. just so much stuff. and i want to reduce. i want to have exactly the amount of things i need to get all the things done, to have all the fun and beauty and health i can take. nothing more. so i have to keep letting go of things, and organizing, and deciding what brings me joy, what is practical, and what is just taking up more room. 

this is a process i will keep going through until i die. and then someone else will have to take care of my things. the items i have accumulated. i think of my pappou, spending his life now in a nursing home, so few items to call his own. so little say in how his room looks, or what clothes he wears, or what food he eats. he is a prisoner to old age. and i feel like i have so long before anything like that happens to me, but it still goes so fast. a moment ago i was twenty. now i'm 41. and i do think about how i don't want to leave such a mess behind. such a burden for someone else to take on--on top of their own stuff. 

but for now i just like enjoying the loveliness that surrounds me, and my ability to transform a simple space into something welcoming and pretty. my home is my sanctuary even if it isn't a place where i will spend as many years as some of the other homes i have called my own for a time.

it's nice to feel good in my body and in the space where i take care of myself. and to know that i do feel good, and embrace that without judgment or worry.