the anger i carry with me

february 10, 2022

at some point in my evolution, i described my depression like a hint of sadness that i always traveled with. even when i was feeling better, it was there in the background. sometimes it seems like that speck of sadness has been replaced by a spark of anger. a precious ember that has made a home inside me, always there, waiting for an opportunity to grow. but not for the sake of consuming me. simply for the sake of reminding me that i still feel strongly about my values and principles. that i still feel strongly about the amount and pervasiveness of injustice in the world. so much of the time i do feel like i am complacent, only surviving, only getting through the best i can. which doesn't leave room for the kind of work i would like to be engaging in to smash the patriarchy and all of its minion systems of oppression. but i have to remind myself constantly that i am enough, and that what i do is enough, and that since my best looks different from day to day, my best is always enough. i have to manage the ember when it starts to spread during times that i cannot allow it to show itself. this is exhausting. to constantly manage that spark. well enough that it does not take over, well enough that it is never extinguished. because it reminds me of the things that are important. and while during the working hours of my day i am forced to mask the true source of my passions, i will never let that flame go out, and i will never let the privileges i experience distract me from that deep and valid fury toward the myths that have been propagated and rebranded for centuries.