meeting myself where i am

 january 31, 2022

i am trying to figure out where i'm at. emotionally, physically. not so much spiritually. but when i'm not transcending, where do i find myself? i'm asking because i have therapy today. i want to consider what i'm going to focus on talking about.

i want to talk about how upsetting it was for someone to tell me that i essentially have no boundaries when that's been one of my main focuses this past year. i want to affirm for myself again that i am making progress, and that it's okay for things not to be perfect. the only one that hurts is me, and i know that me matters just as much as everyone else i care about. 

i want to talk about that dichotomy between my care and concern for others and the care and concern i have for myself. how i've been fortunate not to have to many health problems, and how that combined with the persistent passive suicidality shaped the way that i take my body for granted for a long time. how age has brought more of that to the forefront. how this relates to the way that i eat. 

i have book ideas for a collection of essays that focus on the relationships we have, and framing it around the most significant relationship that we have with ourselves. i want people to imagine for a moment, and for many moments, how different their lives would be if the relationship with oneself were the ultimate reward during this lifetime. 

i want to put my poems out there. the old ones and the new. i found an old one today that i had titled "pulmonary faith" and it's so representative of where i arrived during my spiritual explorations. how i landed as i established for myself what religion meant for me. and it's funny, because i recognized how this vessel plays a role in how we move through the world. but again, youth. and a not-always-so-subtle desire not to be here.

combined with that was also a strong will to persist. each time i did get sick, i did want to be better. to not suffer any longer. to not live in pain. but maybe i missed the point of those illnesses.

pain in the body, for me, has indicated that something is wrong. that something needs to be adjusted. the body is communicating that there is an issue that needs to be addressed. 

it is different from a condition that people experience as chronic. even now, the arthritis that is beginning in my left had is not continual, but sporadic and kind of a mild-to-moderate ache that swells momentarily or in waves in the back of my palm. 

i do think of how i have taken my wellness for granted. and i think of how my attitude is largely ableist, because i have often had that internal reaction of "if i had to live like that, i would rather die." 

a number of people within the disabled communities do not believe there is anything that should want to be corrected in their bodies. if they are deaf, they do not wish to hear. their disability is not a mistake in need of correction or attention, but simply a different and equally valid way of experiencing the world. for me, part of it is the idea of having to completely relearn how to exist. but people do that all the time. people adapt and persevere. 

most of my suffering has been psychological. mental. and much of it simply because i did not yet have the tools to better manage that kind of pain and suffering. 

i do wonder how much of the kind of suffering i experienced was avoidable, but...again, maybe that isn't the point. sure, there are certain kinds of paid we hope to avoid altogether. but we have to agree that there is a percentage that we are all bound to live through and recover from, like adolescence. 

even then, there are some people who would not experience adolescence in the same manner, because not everyone's brain develops the same way, or responds to stimuli the same either. not everyone develops into a sexuality that involves attraction to another person. so some people would be spared that nonsense (and i admit i am a tad envious--but only specifically in terms of how confusing and embarrassing so much of that development is, and even then, only so much as it affected my self-esteem because of social constructs that contributed to my interpretation of events like rejection). 

i do feel tired. it makes me think of how kathleen the medium said that part of my problem was that i worked too much. i think where she had it wrong is that i've identified how much unpaid labor i do as well, and so a lot of my time does feel like work, work, work. i am constantly doing. and while i felt not so long ago that i spent too much time recreationally, now it feels like not enough of my time is spent resting, relaxing, or simply enjoying myself. 

that is what my weekends are for, but for how long? how long can i go on like this if i expect to make some more money? i do feel like statistically there have to be enough people available on a monday when i have time blocked to help my clients. i would have to give up my every other monday to myself, but only for part of the day. it's just hard not having 2 days that are always mine. 

i would also like to talk about losing my temper with the boys. i know it's a sign i'm too tired to go over there, and i know that this week i pushed myself at the beginning to get done what i had originally intended to do over the course of the next couple weeks. i'm farther along, and that's fine, but it cost me my mood by the time it was sunday, and time to go see the nephews. i started out well enough, but then was not gentle enough. 

and the point is not to beat myself up. the point is to recognize that i should have only spent a couple hours there. but how to explain that to grace when she needs more from me. 

and i want to talk about my irritability. and with what is going on with bob's grandma, it makes me worried that i will end up like that, just becoming a giant pain in everyone's lives who has to deal with me--family and people who are paid to. sometimes i feel like my only reason for being here is to earn enough money so that my growing old is not a burden. (i know this is internalized capitalism and a colonizer mindset. but my grandmother was a burden on my mom and i until she was able to get into a home. one or two people cannot care for someone 24/7 and still have a life outside of being a caretaker, and i do not want to be a caretaker, so i don't want to put that on anyone else either--plenty to unpack there).

but there have been lots of moments where i'm present. it's just harder when there are stressors. i started the room-change process, and was not really prepared for the degree of organization that was required. there are pounds upon pounds of things to get rid of, go through, recycle, and so on. 2 weeks isn't enough time. it needs to just be ongoing. 

saturday was my only real day off this past weekend, and after dinner i found myself needing to do some more organizing. i know that all of that is related for my need to exert control over my environment, but i do know that when things are organized it makes me feel better. it makes me feel like i have some control over my immediate environment, and that's important to my ability to function on a daily basis. lately, the most time that i spend in this apartment is in the kitchen, bedroom, and office. and that's fine. that's where i'm at. 

i do really hope that i get to that intimate creative partner that kathleen mentioned. i was totally turned off to the idea of meeting someone with any romantic inclination, but then when she said it isn't necessarily that--that it would be a creative relationship, that made me so happy. because i do enjoy collaborating, and it's a piece that has been missing ever since i moved in and lost sight of creating a musical space in the basement. i can still do that. i can still have that. i just need to be open to it and seek it out. and hope that it isn't like dating--that i only meet someone every 14 years with whom i have the perfect kind of chemistry for something to unfold. for those two paths to become intermingled for a time. braided. 

so i guess that's about where i'm at. feeling ready for a little more creativity. feeling good about the goals i've set for myself for the year--both the mental health and just the life goals i have. and recognizing there's a tiredness that is making me more susceptible to irritability, snap-judgments, and emotional reactivity at a level that i don't always have. 

i want to be my own calm little center of my universe, and i know that i'll feel better after my session. i better get a heater in here so that i have some noise camouflage. that's what i need to order! a noise machine. doing that now before my session. lol