where i pull my strength from

january 2, 2021

sometimes i get upset about the possibility of any person who i love not knowing how much i love them. because there is an aspect of love that is action, that is doing. and when you don't keep in touch with every single person you still consider a friend, it's easy to worry that they worry that you don't care about them anymore. and there may be some people you think about less, who aren't in the front of your thoughts, but that is really only because there's a finite amount of room in your conscious awareness.

and then there are people whom i still love but am no longer a physical presence in their lives. we'll be lucky if we get to see one another in person at all over the next 20 years. 

and then there are even more peripheral friends that i have that i rarely think of anymore. and even those people i feel love for; it just isn't as active. it's a dormant, persistent kind of love that when i recall still feels warm and steady within me. 

with friends like mel, we are lucky to have created our own tradition. fortunate to maintain such a comfortable place within our friendship. we do try to keep in touch better during the year, but there is just a lot to do, a lot to keep track of. and i don't take it personally that she doesn't reach out to me more often, and i am fairly sure she isn't offended that i don't call her more often. we do have an understanding. and 2020 was different, because i had to keep in touch with even the people who live across town the same way as the more long-distance friends. and some of that was more difficult for people who aren't as good about low social interaction. 

my stomach is hurting, and there are just 23 minutes left until my annual visit with mel. it's funny to think that last year she was able to stay with my in my new apartment, but then we started adapting to quarantine life. covid life. 

there are friendships that rekindled because of the pandemic. i am grateful friends felt comfortable reaching out to me, and that i was able to offer them some space in my life. 

i really like to believe the capacity of my love is infinite. but i have to be healthy with boundaries or else i will just end up burning out. so i guess what has worked for me is scheduling. scheduling visits. scheduling appointments. spacing things out appropriately. taking social breaks. being intentional about spending time. with people. 1:1 os my favorite way of doing that. 

i hope when i die all the people i have loved know how much i have loved them.