side effects of internalized capitalism and poverty

march 5, 2020

i feel like i'm not allowed to have nice things, or even just certain things, that are considered luxuries.

i do not like throwing away things. food. clothing. anything that costs money.

i worry frequently about money. i check my account frequently. i make lists. i crunch numbers and then re-crunch them when i have unexpected spending.

but i've gotten better. i don't feel like i'm going to hell when i go to the only store i care about (tj maxx). i don't feel like i don't deserve to buy things for myself. i still have a hard time spending money on frivolous things, but if it's something that is going to make my life or the life of the people i love a little better or a little more comfortable, then i don't feel that this is a waste.

i'm also still careful about my purchases. i let things sit in my cart, both on the web and in the store, before i decide for sure if i'm going to get them. i debate. i consider. and i think this is healthy. i don't want to be the kind of person who just accumulates without thinking. i really don't want to add things to my life that don't bring me joy or serve a very practical function.