rosemary reminded me to journal

march 5, 2020

when people ask me if i journal, or suggest that i do, i wish i could show them this. i'm doing it! maybe not as often as i should, but everything demands an amount of time and energy, and i decide each day what i'm going to do with the time and energy i have. journaling is often something i enjoy on the weekend, when i can drink my coffee in peace and have nowhere to be. 

but i wanted to take some time to address the particular issues that rosemary brought up in her analysis of the dream i posted on facebook a week or so ago. because there are valid topics, and they are some of the same that i feel i've been grappling with over the past month or two.

i'm copying and pasting segments from rosemary's email for my own reference. i didn't copy the entire email, but i have included the majority of what she wrote. isn't she wonderful?

"If this dream was a movie; what would the title be."  or "If every character in the dream could tell me one sentence; what would they say to me?." It's surprising how sometimes you're trying to tell yourself something, but you just can't seem to hear it. Personal experience talking, lol.

i'm copying so that i have the original font i used.

if the dream i had was a movie, the title would be something like..."Growth" that's what feels right. and i know that i need to remind myself more often that it is okay to still be growing as a person. i put pressure on myself to have things figured out, or straightened out, or resolved. when i know that all of the most important processes take time and don't follow a linear path. i also know that i have made progress. i can see the examples of the things i have worked on, and i feel good about my progress as an individual.

there was the mom character in the dream who was trying to keep me calm, to tell me it was okay, that there was no need to be SO upset. that's the rational voice in me, reassuring me that it will be alright, even if it isn't. because we've been through growth and change before, and even though there are always changes i don't feel i have a choice in, change is constant.

i also remember in the dream that i was having some success rescuing some of the plants to take with me to my own garden.

i just thought of how the land was public space. i wonder if that has anything to do with my talents not being for public appreciation--it's okay to keep some of my dreams alive in the space of my own appreciation. i feel i don't need to share my art with others, because it is mostly for me anyway. i just thought of that.

You know how we all have those nagging doubts about our health and well being sometimes.  It seems that your body (your mom, in the dream) is telling you not to worry.  To take better care of yourself but not be worried about health issues right now.  Also to embrace your age (the wallpaper) and really be grateful for every day.  I know that is something that you practice already but you may have been being a bit down on yourself. 

I'm really wondering if you're approaching a landmark birthday. This is such an introspective dream

When we go into a garden in a dream; we are going into our hearts.  The place where we plant our hopes and dreams. 

i'm copying to continue...i do get down on myself about my health. i don't exercise enough. i don't eat better consistently. i have certainly been eating a lot more junk food since noah came into my life. sometimes it feels like i'm having a last hurrah before mid-life sets in, because i know there are things i won't be able to do if i want to have an easier time managing my health as i age.

i also have a hard time not thinking about my weight. but that has gotten better. i love myself a lot better than i used to. i am better at catching automatic negative self-talk and reframing. i do practice self-love in its different forms. i'm just hard on myself about my food choices, because i feel i should want to dedicate more time to food preparation. but the other side of me feels i've already made improvements, and if i just keep going at the pace i have, by the time i'm 50, i'll have a much healthier diet than i do now, and it'll count more because my body will really need that support. look at rosemary--she didn't become vegan until her late 60s. again--there's that part of me that knows it will be alright. we can't control everything. we...i...can only do my best, and that is enough.

the age part i don't think i struggle with. i like being older. 40 is on the horizon, and i don't feel like i'm 39...at least not in the way i guess i imagined a 39 year-old me would feel. i still feel a lot of the things i felt as an adolescent. but i also feel the wisdom of my experiences and my learning, my synthesis of knowledge, both of the external and internal worlds. i do embrace that. i'm enjoying my gray hairs coming in. i almost got annoyed the other day because it's trending to let one's hair be naturally gray. i've been okay with my gray hair since before i started having it. to each their own, i know, but it's just another thing i already embrace that suddenly is trendy, and now i feel like i want to do the opposite just so i'm counter-culture lol. not really. i'm not high-maintenance, and that is the main reason i won't bother with my hair. never have been one for dyeing.

i love that the garden represents our hearts--"the place where we plant our hopes and dreams." how cool.

I sense that this is a career dream because this garden you planted was on public land.  So these are hopes and dreams that you want/wanted to take out into the world.  I almost feel like at some time in the past you had an idea of what you wanted, just an idea.  And someone encouraged you, or maybe even gave you a push in that direction. Maybe a teacher or mentor or just someone you trust and admire. And before you knew it you were on a path without really thinking about how you felt about it...it just "seemed" right.  The reason I say that is because your plants are potted.  They aren't in the ground, so it's almost as though you always knew you might have to move them around or adjust them somehow.

i'm...this is so spot on, and i told her that. i feel like the only "idea" of what i wanted was to be of service in some capacity. i wanted to be contributing to my community, the world, in some way that was meaningful to me. all my job experience showed me up to a certain point was what i didn't want to do. and counseling was the first thing i CHOSE to do, really. and that would have been more successful, if it hadn't been for the fact that i couldn't even sustain myself with that job, and it was SO MUCH emotional work for me to maintain, because of how sensitive i am. being acutely aware of the specific and personal issues people i care about have is not easy for me. i know that it is not my job to fix anyone, but i also felt limited in the role of counselor, because i'm better at being a friend, albeit not the type of friend one sees regularly. i enjoy the intimacy of the counseling relationship--how candid people are with me, how comfortable they feel, and providing that space for them. but i don't like interventions. i don't like feeling so limited to formulaic ways of helping people change, many of whom are not really ready to change. i also didn't like not being able to talk about myself. not that i couldn't, but i had to be very selective and purposeful about what i chose to disclose, whereas with friends there is often a more even exchange of thoughts and feels.

so i did suspect i would not be able to stay with that, and after 3 years of trying to get my license the way that i needed to...(i reduced my hours, i stopped having 10 hour days, i didn't work fridays so i had more time to recuperate and focus on my own life), but it wasn't sustainable. i can't rely on counseling as my sole source of income. i could handle a few sessions a week. so that means i either have to be able to earn a LOT of money per hour, or i have to have another job that is not counseling as well. 

In the dream, you (the female, creative principle) wants to rescue these ideas and plans.  They still have some life left in them, some need some attention, some, though, are dead.  But part of you knows this is a dream that you aren't done with.  The men, (the male/action principle) is just bulldozing ahead.  As if a part of you is saying, "Well, fuck, that's over with.  I'll never get back to that.  My dream will never happen."  

i'm copying...this is interesting, because there are some dreams i have allowed to die. not in the sense that i gave up on them completely, but i know there are certain things that will not be part of how i earn money. at least not any time soon. my mother just said the other day again about writing a book. i explained to her, again, that this is not reliable income. not a set weekly amount that allows me to live. and it takes time to write a book, and even if i were setting aside 4 hours a week, i know i could get something done. but i don't have faith that my idea will sell. and when it doesn't feel like a labor of love, i lose interest. i have completed some stories, but i have so many unfinished ideas, because i lost interest. or stopped having fun doing it. i will finish my book that i started some day, but i don't think it will become a best-seller.

Then in comes Mother (the divine adult principle)  saying, "No, no.  It will be alright.  Just take a breath, look around and see that what you wanted in the past may be altered or changed.  You don't have to throw away the dream, just update it.  Keep what you still love, throw away the dead parts so they can recycle and weed out what needs weeding." 

i'm copying...this sounds again like that rational part of me. i don't have to give up everything that matters to me. but the problem is that after the weeding, i still don't know what i'm left with. i have skills. but i don't know what i want, exactly, and i don't know how to apply my skills. the other day, i was thinking what if i were a kind of personal assistant who helped people navigate particular things that are difficult for them. like, say a person wasn't sure what resources to pursue to accomplish a particular task--whether it's getting health insurance or filing taxes or buying a new car. i would be a kind of assistant to guide that person through that process by giving them practical insight and emotional support. i don't know what to call that, and i wouldn't know what to charge--since my goal is to help people, and i don't want to have to charge them to do that, but i have to pay bills! it was just an idea.

But then we go to the bedroom and that awful wallpaper that can never be changed.  I don't know what your past relationships were like.  But it seems that you felt very limited or bound somehow.  Part of you may feel that if you "surpass"your partner, you may lose the relationship.

( Now thats just my interpretation.  That doesn't mean you feel that way.  Only you know that.  I'm just reading the dream from my own insights.) You might be feeling that if you "change the wallpaper"  you'll lose the apartment, i.e. change your situation/lose the relationship.  Or you may be feeling that your relationship is standing in the way of your progress.  You will have to interpret this part for yourself since I mothered your partner. LOL.

i'm copying...the first interpretation she offered here is the most accurate. i don't feel superior to noah, but i do get frustrated because it is clear to me that he still needs to do a lot of healing to feel better in his own heart. so i get frustrated because his attitude or perspective of things still seems so affected by his pain, anger, disappointment, and i don't see that shift toward proactivity. i see avoidance and a refusal to confront many things. in plenty of ways, he is wonderful. but i do worry about the long-term because i don't see him putting in the emotional work on himself. sometimes i want to ask him if he refuses to engage in self-improvement because he thinks this is an admission to not being good enough. when the way we need to look at it is that we are always changing and growing, and we can take more responsibility for that growth if we are intentional about it. i worry because the only outlet 

At any rate, I feel like you really need to sit down with your journal and talk to yourself.  How do I feel about my relationship?  What are my expectations?  Where do I want this to go in the future?  What changes do i want to make?  How will I share this with my partner?

As far as your career goes, I think you know that you chose the right path.  But that path needs to change direction.  Maybe what interested you about it in the past, doesn't interest you any more.  Maybe there is some other offshoot of your path you need to explore.  Journal, baby, journal.  It really will help.  Just don't bulldoze the dream.  Weed the garden.