can you heal in one day?
february 24, 2020
i have a couple of ideas floating around in the brain ether this afternoon. one is from a friend on facebook who keeps posting something along the lines of "speak it into existence," which i am a big fan and believer of, but it's had me thinking again about that idea of bringing something into being. the other is the idea from this quote from maya angelou that popped up in one of rob brezny's posts, that reads, "take a day to heal from the lies you've told yourself and the ones that have been told to you."
to begin with the first idea, i want to take a moment and type up the things that i would like to manifest within the next couple of years.
i will be earning 4 thousand a month, after taxes.
i will have my car paid off, and my car will last me another 7 years after paying it off, with only regular maintenance, and predictable repairs.
i will have a living space that i own, with a very reasonable mortgage, and it will have sustainable features, including solar panels.
i will be doing work that i am fulfilled by, and work will take up 3 days of my week.
i will have time (4 days a week to choose from) and ENERGY to work on my writing, singing, and art.
i will be healthier.
i will have less THINGS, meaning, less clothing, less stuff, less boxes in my basement.
*******
those are the most important things to me right now. not a very long list, but there are some big things in there. i feel good about my relationship, so i didn't need to add anything about that. i feel good about a lot of things. what has been bothering me is just my own attitude toward life.
because i've had that passive suicidal default thinking for so long. i'm very aware of it, and i'm aware when it is triggered. and i know it will take time to be rid of it. the reason i'm thinking of it is because i wonder what lies are embedded within that thinking. so i thought it might be useful to flush that out a bit.
one of the things that i assume is that if i make it to old age, it will be awful. i assume that i will not have much money, and that i will not have access to proper care, and that i will not be able to get around (or want to be).
when i look at those assumptions, i realize that i'm basing them on only half of the examples that i have seen. i look at people who are very active, even as octogenarians, and realize that there is just as much a chance i'll be like that as there is a chance i'll have health issues that prevent me from being actively engaged with my community.
but i'm also assuming that i will want to be actively engaged with my community. by that point, i might be content to sit in whatever dwelling i live in and stare out the window, or read books (i hope i am back into reading by the time i retire), or listening to music, or watching tv, or the hundred little things i enjoy doing alone even now. i just don't want to feel lonely. i think i will be less susceptible to that, because i have all but rid myself of that feeling already. i know how to reach out to engage with others. i know how to tell when i have spent too much time alone. i know how to converse with just about anyone. i also know there is no way to predict what is going to happen.
the other assumption that i make about the future is that i will still be suffering from depressive episodes. and that's because i know there isn't a "cure" for depression, just treatments and effective coping. within my own family, about half of my grandparents suffered from depression. half of them also suffered from either dementia or alzheimers, which is another thing i fear i will end up with.
along those lines, i fear becoming a burden. because if i don't have proper healthcare, and if i don't have a sufficient income, then i will be a burden to whomever looks after me. much as i fantasize about running away to a cave in the woods somewhere, i don't think i will want that when i am older, and less mobile, and less able to handle physically what i can now.
part of what this is also getting at is that i have not taken many steps to help prevent health issues. granted, i am working on quitting smoking. but i don't have a great diet. i don't exercise properly, regularly. there are a lot of things genetically that i have working in my favor. my family doesn't have a history of cancer. i have great teeth. and i know that even if i were a vegan who worked out 7 days a week this wouldn't be a guarantee to quality of life later in life.
to begin with the first idea, i want to take a moment and type up the things that i would like to manifest within the next couple of years.
i will be earning 4 thousand a month, after taxes.
i will have my car paid off, and my car will last me another 7 years after paying it off, with only regular maintenance, and predictable repairs.
i will have a living space that i own, with a very reasonable mortgage, and it will have sustainable features, including solar panels.
i will be doing work that i am fulfilled by, and work will take up 3 days of my week.
i will have time (4 days a week to choose from) and ENERGY to work on my writing, singing, and art.
i will be healthier.
i will have less THINGS, meaning, less clothing, less stuff, less boxes in my basement.
*******
those are the most important things to me right now. not a very long list, but there are some big things in there. i feel good about my relationship, so i didn't need to add anything about that. i feel good about a lot of things. what has been bothering me is just my own attitude toward life.
because i've had that passive suicidal default thinking for so long. i'm very aware of it, and i'm aware when it is triggered. and i know it will take time to be rid of it. the reason i'm thinking of it is because i wonder what lies are embedded within that thinking. so i thought it might be useful to flush that out a bit.
one of the things that i assume is that if i make it to old age, it will be awful. i assume that i will not have much money, and that i will not have access to proper care, and that i will not be able to get around (or want to be).
when i look at those assumptions, i realize that i'm basing them on only half of the examples that i have seen. i look at people who are very active, even as octogenarians, and realize that there is just as much a chance i'll be like that as there is a chance i'll have health issues that prevent me from being actively engaged with my community.
but i'm also assuming that i will want to be actively engaged with my community. by that point, i might be content to sit in whatever dwelling i live in and stare out the window, or read books (i hope i am back into reading by the time i retire), or listening to music, or watching tv, or the hundred little things i enjoy doing alone even now. i just don't want to feel lonely. i think i will be less susceptible to that, because i have all but rid myself of that feeling already. i know how to reach out to engage with others. i know how to tell when i have spent too much time alone. i know how to converse with just about anyone. i also know there is no way to predict what is going to happen.
the other assumption that i make about the future is that i will still be suffering from depressive episodes. and that's because i know there isn't a "cure" for depression, just treatments and effective coping. within my own family, about half of my grandparents suffered from depression. half of them also suffered from either dementia or alzheimers, which is another thing i fear i will end up with.
along those lines, i fear becoming a burden. because if i don't have proper healthcare, and if i don't have a sufficient income, then i will be a burden to whomever looks after me. much as i fantasize about running away to a cave in the woods somewhere, i don't think i will want that when i am older, and less mobile, and less able to handle physically what i can now.
part of what this is also getting at is that i have not taken many steps to help prevent health issues. granted, i am working on quitting smoking. but i don't have a great diet. i don't exercise properly, regularly. there are a lot of things genetically that i have working in my favor. my family doesn't have a history of cancer. i have great teeth. and i know that even if i were a vegan who worked out 7 days a week this wouldn't be a guarantee to quality of life later in life.
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