winging it
11/11/19
there are few things in life I feel confident enough jumping into without much preparation. relationships included. so it is interesting to me that I took on some big shifts in my life at the same time, all with their own set of skills required that I took no immediate time preparing to apply.
the past several years my professional life has been dominated by the ongoing development of my professional counselor identity. I focused so much of my energy on mental health. on better understanding it, better caring for my own, and continuing to refine the craft of being a counselor. so when I chose to dive into working for a health insurance broker, just before the open enrollment period for 2019, with only 2 coworkers, neither of which would have much time for training once the period began, was a pretty impressive risk that I was willing to take.
I think a big part of why I've felt confident enough taking that risk is because I chose to also dive into a relationship with Noah. despite that sense that it's just right, that it's a good fit, and that it can work for long-term, there's still that part of me that recognizes there are no guarantees, and that it might not work out forever. but in that situation, I do feel more confident because of the confidence I have in my own emotional intelligence and communication level. I believe I know myself well enough and recognize when i'm experiencing various emotional turmoil well enough to convey that or at the very least, address it in an appropriately healthy way to navigate the situation.
so stepping boldly into the relationship emboldened me in other ways. partly because I felt the high of being in love, but also partly because, for once, I knew that if things fell apart, at least at the moment, there was someone who would catch me and help me get back up--who chose that role as opposed to being born into it--and that was a strong source of strength and reassurance.
so it was easier to say "this isn't working for me, and I've given it enough time to decide that for myself, so now i'm going to do this other thing." even though there are still lots of unknowns. even though i'm not sure what my professional life will look like six months from now. it, like the decision to take on this relationship, felt right. felt like what I needed.
and the same goes for the apartment. it's a new space, that I am thrilled to have, and I am keenly aware that being in this kind of space would not be possible without the help I have from a cohabitant. it makes me feel extra warm and fuzzy that he chose to take this on with me, not just as a roommate, but as a person whom he enjoys being with, talking to, fucking, kissing, and generally being around. he said of my decorating that he enjoys just being in it. it's so nice to have the space and freedom to set up the little things I've collected throughout my adult life to create a home that we both feel comfortable and content within.
this post began because I was thinking about the conversation Noah and I had just had about his response to certain stressors, and my response to certain stressors (money and anger, respectively), and after we'd taken time to talk about what we were feeling, and how we respond, and what we've experienced that has contributed to these responses, I was thinking about how we're still learning about each other. how we did step into a different level of coupling before too long, and how I do often feel like such a kid, because this is all so new to me. but how we can be successful if we continue following those basic tenets of healthy relationships: communicate. don't take your feelings out on the other person (deal with your own emotions). be honest. be supportive. love each other as best you can.
really, wouldn't that be nice within every relationship? imagine the confidence we would have in ourselves if we could conduct every relationship with the same level of commitment to making it healthy...
there are few things in life I feel confident enough jumping into without much preparation. relationships included. so it is interesting to me that I took on some big shifts in my life at the same time, all with their own set of skills required that I took no immediate time preparing to apply.
the past several years my professional life has been dominated by the ongoing development of my professional counselor identity. I focused so much of my energy on mental health. on better understanding it, better caring for my own, and continuing to refine the craft of being a counselor. so when I chose to dive into working for a health insurance broker, just before the open enrollment period for 2019, with only 2 coworkers, neither of which would have much time for training once the period began, was a pretty impressive risk that I was willing to take.
I think a big part of why I've felt confident enough taking that risk is because I chose to also dive into a relationship with Noah. despite that sense that it's just right, that it's a good fit, and that it can work for long-term, there's still that part of me that recognizes there are no guarantees, and that it might not work out forever. but in that situation, I do feel more confident because of the confidence I have in my own emotional intelligence and communication level. I believe I know myself well enough and recognize when i'm experiencing various emotional turmoil well enough to convey that or at the very least, address it in an appropriately healthy way to navigate the situation.
so stepping boldly into the relationship emboldened me in other ways. partly because I felt the high of being in love, but also partly because, for once, I knew that if things fell apart, at least at the moment, there was someone who would catch me and help me get back up--who chose that role as opposed to being born into it--and that was a strong source of strength and reassurance.
so it was easier to say "this isn't working for me, and I've given it enough time to decide that for myself, so now i'm going to do this other thing." even though there are still lots of unknowns. even though i'm not sure what my professional life will look like six months from now. it, like the decision to take on this relationship, felt right. felt like what I needed.
and the same goes for the apartment. it's a new space, that I am thrilled to have, and I am keenly aware that being in this kind of space would not be possible without the help I have from a cohabitant. it makes me feel extra warm and fuzzy that he chose to take this on with me, not just as a roommate, but as a person whom he enjoys being with, talking to, fucking, kissing, and generally being around. he said of my decorating that he enjoys just being in it. it's so nice to have the space and freedom to set up the little things I've collected throughout my adult life to create a home that we both feel comfortable and content within.
this post began because I was thinking about the conversation Noah and I had just had about his response to certain stressors, and my response to certain stressors (money and anger, respectively), and after we'd taken time to talk about what we were feeling, and how we respond, and what we've experienced that has contributed to these responses, I was thinking about how we're still learning about each other. how we did step into a different level of coupling before too long, and how I do often feel like such a kid, because this is all so new to me. but how we can be successful if we continue following those basic tenets of healthy relationships: communicate. don't take your feelings out on the other person (deal with your own emotions). be honest. be supportive. love each other as best you can.
really, wouldn't that be nice within every relationship? imagine the confidence we would have in ourselves if we could conduct every relationship with the same level of commitment to making it healthy...
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