what if my idea of greatness is small?
June 2019
there are two kinds of ambition in life. the ambition to accomplish more because you've committed to a family that relies on your care, and the ambition to accomplish more because you want to for yourself. I am separating ambition from other kinds of drives to explain that it is not something I have ever really had, and why I don't see anything wrong with that, even if others do.
what constitutes an accomplishment is subjective. so you have to understand, with me, first, that I began figuring out how to navigate things during a time when my depressive brain was also learning (albeit mislearning) how to manage things as well. I saw my mother driven to provide for her family, and felt that the degree to which she had to push herself, suffer, was for us. and I didn't like what was left of her after all the hours she put in. more and more, over the years. granted, part of why she worked so hard was because my father didn't earn "enough." (in this context, enough was defined by what my mother felt was necessary to support healthy, developing children.) but then, I was also a victim of that mentality that there was a level we were supposed to be at, myself included. and when you start to internalize one part of that narrative, it's pretty damn hard not to internalize so many other things that are collectively constructed parts of what it means to live.
anyway, I came across what was supposed to be an inspirational meme today. I realize it's the type of thing where it's empowering to the person who posted it. different strokes for different folks. I couldn't help feel it evoked the same sense of pressure that the ambition narrative does for me. it was something along the lines of not settling for smallness when you're meant for great things. the philosopher in me immediately was like "well, how are you defining smallness?" I have no desire to be famous. no desire for notoriety. I don't really have a desire to leave my mark on this world in any other way than through my kindness. and if that's not enough...well, again, it's just a matter of what narrative one subscribes to.
for me, it comes back to the question of what I DO want for myself, and the challenges I've experienced working to get there. i'm not completely there. but the only ways I am not completely there are material. as far as my emotional, intellectual, spiritual, sexual growth is concerned, I feel like I am achieving greatness. but i'm just not willing to work my life away. I understand a degree of financial stability is important. I understand that people like going out, buying things, travelling. I like those things too sometimes. but I am very content with the space I've made for myself. and sure, I still have goals. but I would never frame it like i'm aiming for greatness. I do appreciate smallness. small acts of kindness. small tokens of gratitude. small moments of meaningfulness. small steps toward a better sense of self. small sprinkles of goodness that make all the stress worth it. manageable. tolerable.
life isn't fair. life isn't easy. life is pain. these are part of the narrative too. and while I am very conscious that there are so many who struggle in ways I can't imagine, I also recognize what a triumph it is for me to still be here, attempting to implement and revise my own narrative, so that those depressive thoughts that developed so long ago don't dominate my perspective and every day that I accomplish.
there is a question on the peer specialist job application that asks how a person defines recovery. it is a personal question, because recovery is different for different people. recovery for me has been both about being able to remove the bullshit I internalized, to uncover my truer self, and to develop tools that allow me to steel myself against the oncoming blizzard of experiences. pain is inevitable. suffering is inevitable. struggle is inevitable. and if I have any small piece of happiness, that is all I need to be able to keep on. that is enough.
there's that phrase "wasted talent" that also bugs me. the idea that these talents we have are gifts we're obligated to share with others. okay. no. don't get me wrong, I think part of the secret to life is sharing. but I don't think our gifts exist for the sole purpose of being shared. I think they help to keep lifting us up, because life is hard. people who want to be a part of that--great. but a person has the right, free will, to choose how, where, and to whom they express themselves. there is something honest about art that I have always appreciated, and through the sharing a kind of powerful vulnerability that is both empowering and humbling. but...I don't know. something in that reeks of the idea of people not living up to their potential. which also sounds like pressure. to be. to do. to be more. when is it enough? don't we each get to decide?
don't get me wrong--I hope we are always learning and getting better within ourselves. but the ways that we choose to share our energy is up to us. and I hate the idea of anyone telling another person how to use their energies.
this relates very much to my rants about the idea of being passionate about things. because I still struggle with feeling guilty that I don't feel more passionately about one thing. I have moderate interest and joy with a lot of things, and then certain things that feel like utter joy which I have no interest in capitalizing from. I want to dictate how I use them. I don't want to put a price tag on them, because with that comes less free will.
so I like a lot of things. and I have little interest in a lot of things. and I just want to know when it's okay to say "here are the things I care about, and those are things I don't, and I don't want to be made to feel bad that I don't want more--that i'm not willing to work more for what I think everyone should have the right to." I guess in some ways being poor has become a protest against the pressure of capitalism. that's my privilege showing. I reject the hustle, because I don't want any part of it. I just want to eat. to live. to be around the people I love. to spend time sorting through my experiences. to rest. to just be me. and again: that's enough. that is greatness.
there are two kinds of ambition in life. the ambition to accomplish more because you've committed to a family that relies on your care, and the ambition to accomplish more because you want to for yourself. I am separating ambition from other kinds of drives to explain that it is not something I have ever really had, and why I don't see anything wrong with that, even if others do.
what constitutes an accomplishment is subjective. so you have to understand, with me, first, that I began figuring out how to navigate things during a time when my depressive brain was also learning (albeit mislearning) how to manage things as well. I saw my mother driven to provide for her family, and felt that the degree to which she had to push herself, suffer, was for us. and I didn't like what was left of her after all the hours she put in. more and more, over the years. granted, part of why she worked so hard was because my father didn't earn "enough." (in this context, enough was defined by what my mother felt was necessary to support healthy, developing children.) but then, I was also a victim of that mentality that there was a level we were supposed to be at, myself included. and when you start to internalize one part of that narrative, it's pretty damn hard not to internalize so many other things that are collectively constructed parts of what it means to live.
anyway, I came across what was supposed to be an inspirational meme today. I realize it's the type of thing where it's empowering to the person who posted it. different strokes for different folks. I couldn't help feel it evoked the same sense of pressure that the ambition narrative does for me. it was something along the lines of not settling for smallness when you're meant for great things. the philosopher in me immediately was like "well, how are you defining smallness?" I have no desire to be famous. no desire for notoriety. I don't really have a desire to leave my mark on this world in any other way than through my kindness. and if that's not enough...well, again, it's just a matter of what narrative one subscribes to.
for me, it comes back to the question of what I DO want for myself, and the challenges I've experienced working to get there. i'm not completely there. but the only ways I am not completely there are material. as far as my emotional, intellectual, spiritual, sexual growth is concerned, I feel like I am achieving greatness. but i'm just not willing to work my life away. I understand a degree of financial stability is important. I understand that people like going out, buying things, travelling. I like those things too sometimes. but I am very content with the space I've made for myself. and sure, I still have goals. but I would never frame it like i'm aiming for greatness. I do appreciate smallness. small acts of kindness. small tokens of gratitude. small moments of meaningfulness. small steps toward a better sense of self. small sprinkles of goodness that make all the stress worth it. manageable. tolerable.
life isn't fair. life isn't easy. life is pain. these are part of the narrative too. and while I am very conscious that there are so many who struggle in ways I can't imagine, I also recognize what a triumph it is for me to still be here, attempting to implement and revise my own narrative, so that those depressive thoughts that developed so long ago don't dominate my perspective and every day that I accomplish.
there is a question on the peer specialist job application that asks how a person defines recovery. it is a personal question, because recovery is different for different people. recovery for me has been both about being able to remove the bullshit I internalized, to uncover my truer self, and to develop tools that allow me to steel myself against the oncoming blizzard of experiences. pain is inevitable. suffering is inevitable. struggle is inevitable. and if I have any small piece of happiness, that is all I need to be able to keep on. that is enough.
there's that phrase "wasted talent" that also bugs me. the idea that these talents we have are gifts we're obligated to share with others. okay. no. don't get me wrong, I think part of the secret to life is sharing. but I don't think our gifts exist for the sole purpose of being shared. I think they help to keep lifting us up, because life is hard. people who want to be a part of that--great. but a person has the right, free will, to choose how, where, and to whom they express themselves. there is something honest about art that I have always appreciated, and through the sharing a kind of powerful vulnerability that is both empowering and humbling. but...I don't know. something in that reeks of the idea of people not living up to their potential. which also sounds like pressure. to be. to do. to be more. when is it enough? don't we each get to decide?
don't get me wrong--I hope we are always learning and getting better within ourselves. but the ways that we choose to share our energy is up to us. and I hate the idea of anyone telling another person how to use their energies.
this relates very much to my rants about the idea of being passionate about things. because I still struggle with feeling guilty that I don't feel more passionately about one thing. I have moderate interest and joy with a lot of things, and then certain things that feel like utter joy which I have no interest in capitalizing from. I want to dictate how I use them. I don't want to put a price tag on them, because with that comes less free will.
so I like a lot of things. and I have little interest in a lot of things. and I just want to know when it's okay to say "here are the things I care about, and those are things I don't, and I don't want to be made to feel bad that I don't want more--that i'm not willing to work more for what I think everyone should have the right to." I guess in some ways being poor has become a protest against the pressure of capitalism. that's my privilege showing. I reject the hustle, because I don't want any part of it. I just want to eat. to live. to be around the people I love. to spend time sorting through my experiences. to rest. to just be me. and again: that's enough. that is greatness.
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