the discomfort of contentment
january 6, 2020
i'm not used to things being...stable.
when you're used to scrounging, you don't really get used to it. even though it's part of your normal to have to decide which bill to put off paying based on which has the lowest penalty, or which is the least immediately necessary...when you start being able to keep up with ALL of the bills, it is a new kind of uneasy.
i hate to admit how much financial stress affected my overall attitude. i don't think i realized how affected i was until that changed.
falling in love and moving in with my boyfriend has been amazing for my mental health. because having someone to navigate bills with and someone who will insist on grocery shopping even if i can't contribute any money toward it is amazing.
little things remind me how much the way i live has changed, though there are some things i am not interested in changing. i'm not interested in wasting more. in consuming more. but i like not having to worry about how i'm going to eat, and how i'm going to last on what little money i have.
let me be clear: i am still living paycheck to paycheck. i still have a hard time deciding to buy something, even if i need it, and just as hard a time buying something i only want (luxury items have never been guiltless for me, thanks to how i have internalized capitalism). but if i were to describe the level of stress i used to have compared to the level of stress i currently have surrounding money, it's gone from about an 8 to a 3 in the span of a few short months.
sometimes i worry that i'll stay in this relationship even if it becomes unhappy because i don't want to lose the financial security of it. but i don't think that's likely, and i have no reason, other than cynicism, to think that things won't work out. even if they don't, the time that i am taking to decide upon my next step has a lot to do with making sure that whatever that next step is, it's one that will provide me with continued financial stability, independent of any relationship.
what i would really like is to be able to save up for things. trips. new cell phone. a little cushion for unexpected car repairs and the like. right now, i have no buffer, and i'm very lucky if i have a hundred dollars to last me until my next paycheck. again, this is very different from what i'm used to, but the thing about money is that there are always things that come up. or things that i have been putting off getting (or paying for) because i just couldn't justify it before, that now i am finding i want to take care of without further delay. like getting lotion for eczema. getting cat food dishes that don't make my geriatric cat hunch over to eat. getting a new body pillow cover so that i can get rid of the old one that is stained by my hair product (it looks so gross). these things aren't immediately necessary. they aren't life or death. but i still have a hard time giving myself permission to buy things when it means that i'm still going to have less than $50 until the next payday.
according to the app i use, if i were to get approved for a personal loan, or get a credit card, this would help my credit rating. the only reason i care about my credit rating is because eventually i am interested in buying a home. right now, i'm at about 623. for a decent rating, and the lower of the ones necessary to get approved for a mortgage, i'll need to get to 640. i managed to raise my credit score 40 points over one year, and that was a year that i was still not earning consistent paychecks. so if i could accomplish that in the time i was working on things on my own, imagine what i will be able to do now with this newfound financial stability.
living within my means is something i've been very good at from the time i had to learn how to manage money on my own. i got better at it as i got older, mainly because i wasn't as interested in going out as much (which costs money). it's no longer a priority to be out someplace. granted, there are services i'm paying to enjoy--amazon, for instance--but i don't get my hair done regularly, or my nails. i don't pay for a gym membership or for any recurrent auto-shipping services. i've gotten my groceries delivered for an additional fee the times when i've been sick, which is 3 times over the past 2 years. i still feel like i need to qualify that i was *sick* and did not feel well enough to go get my own food. it still seems i need to feel i'm fulfilling a legitimate necessity to spend the extra money.
and i know that fun is important. i know that things i enjoy doing are worthy of my time and money. but for so long, as i've said, i wasn't able to do things just because. even this past xmas, i was selective about who i bought gifts for, because i didn't want to go much over $200. that's about half of my paycheck. and there are some weeks that i have fewer bills, and can afford to hang onto a hundred dollars or so. but still--my boyfriend is really who made it possible to order people gifts. and even though it isn't about the gift-giving, i liked being able to participate in that. this year i'll have to work on ordering the gifts in time. i still have no interest in going to a physical store to shop, because i don't like being in stores when there are lots of people there. but that's a separate issue.
in the grand scheme of things, i know that i won't look back at my life according to the checks i wrote or the bills i managed to pay on time. i won't give a good goddamn about my credit rating when i'm on my deathbed. but unfortunately, that financial stability is also linked to my ability to fund long-term care. and without a rich family who can care for me, the task of aging and caring for myself falls to me (note that my boyfriend has expressed he has no desire to take care of someone aging, and neither do i--it's part of why i also don't want children). so it is important to me to achieve a level of financial stability so that i am not as worried about how i'll get along as i continue to age. we can't avoid getting old unless we die young. there are days i don't want to be here, but i haven't toyed with ideas of how i would kill myself for some time, and i plan to keep it that way. even though a chunk of blue ice could take me out tomorrow, and my family would be fucked having to cover funeral expenses, i still have to live as though i'm going to make it to retirement.
i may still not be sure what i want to do for income, but for the first time in a long time, i feel content with most areas of my life, and with what i do day-to-day to earn an income. so until i must make another decision about what's next, i am going to do my best to enjoy this place in my life for what it is--better. happier. more stable. it's okay to enjoy that. it's good to be thankful in the present.
i'm not used to things being...stable.
when you're used to scrounging, you don't really get used to it. even though it's part of your normal to have to decide which bill to put off paying based on which has the lowest penalty, or which is the least immediately necessary...when you start being able to keep up with ALL of the bills, it is a new kind of uneasy.
i hate to admit how much financial stress affected my overall attitude. i don't think i realized how affected i was until that changed.
falling in love and moving in with my boyfriend has been amazing for my mental health. because having someone to navigate bills with and someone who will insist on grocery shopping even if i can't contribute any money toward it is amazing.
little things remind me how much the way i live has changed, though there are some things i am not interested in changing. i'm not interested in wasting more. in consuming more. but i like not having to worry about how i'm going to eat, and how i'm going to last on what little money i have.
let me be clear: i am still living paycheck to paycheck. i still have a hard time deciding to buy something, even if i need it, and just as hard a time buying something i only want (luxury items have never been guiltless for me, thanks to how i have internalized capitalism). but if i were to describe the level of stress i used to have compared to the level of stress i currently have surrounding money, it's gone from about an 8 to a 3 in the span of a few short months.
sometimes i worry that i'll stay in this relationship even if it becomes unhappy because i don't want to lose the financial security of it. but i don't think that's likely, and i have no reason, other than cynicism, to think that things won't work out. even if they don't, the time that i am taking to decide upon my next step has a lot to do with making sure that whatever that next step is, it's one that will provide me with continued financial stability, independent of any relationship.
what i would really like is to be able to save up for things. trips. new cell phone. a little cushion for unexpected car repairs and the like. right now, i have no buffer, and i'm very lucky if i have a hundred dollars to last me until my next paycheck. again, this is very different from what i'm used to, but the thing about money is that there are always things that come up. or things that i have been putting off getting (or paying for) because i just couldn't justify it before, that now i am finding i want to take care of without further delay. like getting lotion for eczema. getting cat food dishes that don't make my geriatric cat hunch over to eat. getting a new body pillow cover so that i can get rid of the old one that is stained by my hair product (it looks so gross). these things aren't immediately necessary. they aren't life or death. but i still have a hard time giving myself permission to buy things when it means that i'm still going to have less than $50 until the next payday.
according to the app i use, if i were to get approved for a personal loan, or get a credit card, this would help my credit rating. the only reason i care about my credit rating is because eventually i am interested in buying a home. right now, i'm at about 623. for a decent rating, and the lower of the ones necessary to get approved for a mortgage, i'll need to get to 640. i managed to raise my credit score 40 points over one year, and that was a year that i was still not earning consistent paychecks. so if i could accomplish that in the time i was working on things on my own, imagine what i will be able to do now with this newfound financial stability.
living within my means is something i've been very good at from the time i had to learn how to manage money on my own. i got better at it as i got older, mainly because i wasn't as interested in going out as much (which costs money). it's no longer a priority to be out someplace. granted, there are services i'm paying to enjoy--amazon, for instance--but i don't get my hair done regularly, or my nails. i don't pay for a gym membership or for any recurrent auto-shipping services. i've gotten my groceries delivered for an additional fee the times when i've been sick, which is 3 times over the past 2 years. i still feel like i need to qualify that i was *sick* and did not feel well enough to go get my own food. it still seems i need to feel i'm fulfilling a legitimate necessity to spend the extra money.
and i know that fun is important. i know that things i enjoy doing are worthy of my time and money. but for so long, as i've said, i wasn't able to do things just because. even this past xmas, i was selective about who i bought gifts for, because i didn't want to go much over $200. that's about half of my paycheck. and there are some weeks that i have fewer bills, and can afford to hang onto a hundred dollars or so. but still--my boyfriend is really who made it possible to order people gifts. and even though it isn't about the gift-giving, i liked being able to participate in that. this year i'll have to work on ordering the gifts in time. i still have no interest in going to a physical store to shop, because i don't like being in stores when there are lots of people there. but that's a separate issue.
in the grand scheme of things, i know that i won't look back at my life according to the checks i wrote or the bills i managed to pay on time. i won't give a good goddamn about my credit rating when i'm on my deathbed. but unfortunately, that financial stability is also linked to my ability to fund long-term care. and without a rich family who can care for me, the task of aging and caring for myself falls to me (note that my boyfriend has expressed he has no desire to take care of someone aging, and neither do i--it's part of why i also don't want children). so it is important to me to achieve a level of financial stability so that i am not as worried about how i'll get along as i continue to age. we can't avoid getting old unless we die young. there are days i don't want to be here, but i haven't toyed with ideas of how i would kill myself for some time, and i plan to keep it that way. even though a chunk of blue ice could take me out tomorrow, and my family would be fucked having to cover funeral expenses, i still have to live as though i'm going to make it to retirement.
i may still not be sure what i want to do for income, but for the first time in a long time, i feel content with most areas of my life, and with what i do day-to-day to earn an income. so until i must make another decision about what's next, i am going to do my best to enjoy this place in my life for what it is--better. happier. more stable. it's okay to enjoy that. it's good to be thankful in the present.
Comments
Post a Comment