the credit trap
july 2019
the credit trap. the poverty trap.
I missed a week of work because I was sick. with no sick days as part of my employment, this meant I lost around six-hundred dollars. that amount of money, for me, means playing catch up for months. having shittier credit for months. not being able to catch up.
so I reached out to my baby sister. she's earning the most out of the three sisters, and I think she has a decent amount in her savings. I know she isn't rich, but she's already much better off than either of us. granted, Grace has mouths to feed, and 4 people who don't bring in income (plus 6 animals). with me, it's just me. but it's still damn near impossible to stay ahead. since I started this job, I've been lucky just when my bills are all caught up. and those outstanding bills for random medical costs--those just sit in collections, where at least they aren't accruing more interest, just waiting for me to have the extra couple hundred dollars to take care of.
it's infuriating. and it's humiliating. yesterday, for example, the 4 hours I spent at work earned me nothing. I lost the amount of gas I used to drive to and from work, and all I have to show for it is continued employment.
and my sister, she's so sweet. she says, "you don't have to explain. I know you're not asking so you can gamble or buy drugs haha. I'm sure I can do 400."
and it makes me want to cry, because i'm NOT trying to do anything insidious or harmful. i'm just trying to live. of course people feel like a burden, when their best isn't enough to pay the bills, just the basic bills required for the average adult who drives and needs some television to wind down. who needs to eat. who needs to use electricity and have access to healthcare.
there was a clip I saw recently of a breakdown of low-income single-family household with a single parent. some politician made the claim that a minimum wage income was plenty for a person to sustain themselves if they weren't eating out all the time. so it was broken down. and without including the cost of childcare and other realistic needs, the amount the person earned in a year was not enough for just the basic necessities we all have.
and I don't want to dwell on this shit. I don't want to think about what I can't do because of money. I don't want to waste my precious time worrying about this shit. today it did start because I was worried my rent check would bounce. after deducting just the amount for my healthcare, car payment, and rent with half of the garbage bill included, I had less than $5 left in my checking account. not much of a buffer if something else pops up. like the AAA membership fee that for some reason tried to come out last month when it isn't due until July. wtf. so now I keep waiting for an extra hundred dollars to be gone from my account, and in the meantime, as other payments have gone through, it CAN't be taken out, since it's not there, since I don't just have a hundred extra dollars sitting in my account or elsewhere.
at some point, I have an unclaimed property check that will arrive. and extra $150 bucks. I really don't want to have to use that on some bill. it would be nice if I could just take myself out to eat and drink with that. or have a party and get snacks and booze. or do something fucking fun. anything rather than paying a goddamn bill.
so it seems really funny when I think about buying a house. other than the struggle that is getting my credit high enough, I think of instead of it being rent, it being a mortgage payment. with Nicole, it's been over a year since I had to be late with my rent payment. I've been consistent with that, but it does nothing for my credit. the only record of regular, on time, large-sum payments i'm making is one that only matters to me and the landlord.
but like I said. I would rather be sitting here thinking about other things. I was thinking on the porch how I want to meet someone who talks in poetry. who can speak to me in a way that makes me feel at home. who can touch me the same. who can spend time, who makes time, who's quite fine with my schedule and my obligations, and still has a life of his own, but looks forward to spending multiple days with me in a row, or regular overnights in the meantime.
I know having a date doesn't change my overall life. doesn't cure the debts I have (unless he's rich and wants to take care of me, even with the knowledge we might not last forever). I know having a lover doesn't eliminate the stress I collect throughout the week. but it is appealing thinking of having someone who is specifically waiting to spend time with me. who does his thing, but enjoys the thought of me in between the times we aren't together. I want to be on the other end, also still doing my thing, and feel secure in his affections. to maintain the level of confidence I need to get my shit done, and have the energy left over to bask in the glory of mutual affectations.
I don't want that to feel as fantastic as financial stability, but they are kind of in the same category: currently unobtainable. i'm working on the one, but I can't do much about the other, and it isn't my focus. it's just something I think about sometimes. it's something I want for myself. it's something I don't experience often, and haven't experienced maybe ever, and I know I deserve it just like anyone else.
so in my meantime, I will be spending time with friends. hopefully doing some swimming and at least some casual submerging out at the gibson farm. I have one more day of not-working ahead of me, and I have food in my fridge, and electricity, and the most immediate of my basic needs as well as some extras (like internet) are okay.
and the summer has plenty of fun things to look forward to.
the credit trap. the poverty trap.
I missed a week of work because I was sick. with no sick days as part of my employment, this meant I lost around six-hundred dollars. that amount of money, for me, means playing catch up for months. having shittier credit for months. not being able to catch up.
so I reached out to my baby sister. she's earning the most out of the three sisters, and I think she has a decent amount in her savings. I know she isn't rich, but she's already much better off than either of us. granted, Grace has mouths to feed, and 4 people who don't bring in income (plus 6 animals). with me, it's just me. but it's still damn near impossible to stay ahead. since I started this job, I've been lucky just when my bills are all caught up. and those outstanding bills for random medical costs--those just sit in collections, where at least they aren't accruing more interest, just waiting for me to have the extra couple hundred dollars to take care of.
it's infuriating. and it's humiliating. yesterday, for example, the 4 hours I spent at work earned me nothing. I lost the amount of gas I used to drive to and from work, and all I have to show for it is continued employment.
and my sister, she's so sweet. she says, "you don't have to explain. I know you're not asking so you can gamble or buy drugs haha. I'm sure I can do 400."
and it makes me want to cry, because i'm NOT trying to do anything insidious or harmful. i'm just trying to live. of course people feel like a burden, when their best isn't enough to pay the bills, just the basic bills required for the average adult who drives and needs some television to wind down. who needs to eat. who needs to use electricity and have access to healthcare.
there was a clip I saw recently of a breakdown of low-income single-family household with a single parent. some politician made the claim that a minimum wage income was plenty for a person to sustain themselves if they weren't eating out all the time. so it was broken down. and without including the cost of childcare and other realistic needs, the amount the person earned in a year was not enough for just the basic necessities we all have.
and I don't want to dwell on this shit. I don't want to think about what I can't do because of money. I don't want to waste my precious time worrying about this shit. today it did start because I was worried my rent check would bounce. after deducting just the amount for my healthcare, car payment, and rent with half of the garbage bill included, I had less than $5 left in my checking account. not much of a buffer if something else pops up. like the AAA membership fee that for some reason tried to come out last month when it isn't due until July. wtf. so now I keep waiting for an extra hundred dollars to be gone from my account, and in the meantime, as other payments have gone through, it CAN't be taken out, since it's not there, since I don't just have a hundred extra dollars sitting in my account or elsewhere.
at some point, I have an unclaimed property check that will arrive. and extra $150 bucks. I really don't want to have to use that on some bill. it would be nice if I could just take myself out to eat and drink with that. or have a party and get snacks and booze. or do something fucking fun. anything rather than paying a goddamn bill.
so it seems really funny when I think about buying a house. other than the struggle that is getting my credit high enough, I think of instead of it being rent, it being a mortgage payment. with Nicole, it's been over a year since I had to be late with my rent payment. I've been consistent with that, but it does nothing for my credit. the only record of regular, on time, large-sum payments i'm making is one that only matters to me and the landlord.
but like I said. I would rather be sitting here thinking about other things. I was thinking on the porch how I want to meet someone who talks in poetry. who can speak to me in a way that makes me feel at home. who can touch me the same. who can spend time, who makes time, who's quite fine with my schedule and my obligations, and still has a life of his own, but looks forward to spending multiple days with me in a row, or regular overnights in the meantime.
I know having a date doesn't change my overall life. doesn't cure the debts I have (unless he's rich and wants to take care of me, even with the knowledge we might not last forever). I know having a lover doesn't eliminate the stress I collect throughout the week. but it is appealing thinking of having someone who is specifically waiting to spend time with me. who does his thing, but enjoys the thought of me in between the times we aren't together. I want to be on the other end, also still doing my thing, and feel secure in his affections. to maintain the level of confidence I need to get my shit done, and have the energy left over to bask in the glory of mutual affectations.
I don't want that to feel as fantastic as financial stability, but they are kind of in the same category: currently unobtainable. i'm working on the one, but I can't do much about the other, and it isn't my focus. it's just something I think about sometimes. it's something I want for myself. it's something I don't experience often, and haven't experienced maybe ever, and I know I deserve it just like anyone else.
so in my meantime, I will be spending time with friends. hopefully doing some swimming and at least some casual submerging out at the gibson farm. I have one more day of not-working ahead of me, and I have food in my fridge, and electricity, and the most immediate of my basic needs as well as some extras (like internet) are okay.
and the summer has plenty of fun things to look forward to.
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