starting the week with gratitude
january 20, 2020
it's a cold one today: it feels like it's 13 degrees. it is 12 degrees below freezing. i can feel a subtle draft coming from the window next to me, but i have a scarf on today, and a simple black cardigan, and an undershirt. so i have pockets of warmth depending on how i'm sitting, and my alpaca socks are keeping my feet warm in my boots from my grandmother.
yesterday, while i was talking with marci on the phone in the office, magellan was being herself and demanding i pay her attention. she climbed up to my shoulder and settled in, with my right hand supporting her bum. she was there, purring, content as could be. and i was thankful for the extra warmth, and the soothing vibrations of her purrs traveling through my shoulder and chest.
i was remembering that moment, and feeling grateful for such a nice, safe, cozy weekend. i got a lot done. there are times i do feel compelled to make a list of everything i accomplish, because when i have the energy to be productive, i feel i get a lot done. and while my worth is not dependent upon my productivity, there is also nothing wrong with feeling good about myself for getting shit completed.
i managed to get rid of some junk, put more things away, do a few loads of laundry, change the sheets and comforter on our bed (including getting the new comforter cover on the comforter amanda gave me a couple years ago--which noah did help me with saturday). noah helped me to take the tree down, and i swept up the pine needles in the kitchen and dining room. i got the stairs swept, the garbage taken out of the bathroom, office, kitchen, and bedroom. i used the little fake roomba and also manually swept more of the living room. i did dishes like 3 days in a row to finally have an empty sink by sunday (which now has a few things in it again, but not a pile). i also took a shower myself. while i was on the phone with marci, i got clothes that had been sitting in hampers folded and put away. i also separated out the scarves that i am ready to part with, and next need to take a few bags of giveaway stuff to the goodwill. i wiped down surfaces. i organized. i took my pile of mail up to the office. i have almost all of the christmas decorations put away (though the box and tree stand are still in the dining room, as well as the box of gift bags).
the work is never done. spaces gather dust. the floor is always dirty, and sometimes it's more visible. it was lovely to sleep in a bed with clean sheets that smelled clean with a mostly clean body as well since noah and i both showered on sunday. we also got to have sex for the first time since i got 3 different cysts in my crotch. that was nice.
i know that i am moving into PMS time, so i felt it was important to document feeling pretty good, and feeling accomplished, and feeling grateful.
i am so grateful for my home, and i don't like worrying about whether we will be able to stay there. i keep putting out into the universe that by the time i finish going through everything i need to in order to get rid of more stuff, it will be time to buy a home. i am okay with the timeline of being in this apartment for a couple of years. 3 tops. but then i will be ready to move on.
i am grateful for the sunlight that comes streaming into my home, nourishing the plants and my family. i am grateful for a low-stress job with a consistent income. for coffee at work. for being able to sit in a comfortable spot at work. i am grateful that i don't have to worry about food any more. i am grateful for my body and the ways it works to get things done. for the pleasures it allows me as well. i am grateful i do not have children, and can focus on my needs. i am grateful for my cats, who are just the sweetest little butts. grateful they chose to be with me. grateful noah did too.
i started to feel distant from noah. it began when he was being impatient with me, and complained because i was taking "too long" to text people on saturday. he expressed that he could have been doing something else in the time while he waited for me. i am grateful that i am not verbally reactive. i did have an emotional response to this, but i did not say anything that i would later regret. and by the time noah apologized for his behavior, i was able to honestly say "you're allowed to feel annoyed," while fully recognizing that it was his issue, not mine. i had done nothing wrong. i am grateful for the time it takes me sometimes to form a verbal response. i am grateful that most times i able to think before i speak something that could be hurtful.
i am grateful for the mornings when no one else is at work, and all i have are the sounds of the noise machine, the hum of the computer, and the clicking of keys as i type. the peace i feel in that time is priceless.
i am grateful for my emotional intelligence, and continual improvement with boundaries, separating feelings from rational thought, and grateful for the time that i do have to process. i am grateful that i have friends who are so intelligent and understanding and compassionate. grateful for the support in my life, and the ways that i have opened my heart to others.
noah sent a text this morning that he was not having a good day, and that he was contemplating quitting his job. he has to do what is best for his own happiness. i just hope that if he does quit, he doesn't lollygag for too long before finding another job/income. i would expect anyone to enjoy a little time off before jumping into something else, but i know how easily days turn to weeks when one has nothing structuring their days.
i am grateful for my bedding. grateful for a comfortable mattress and the body pillow that has lasted all these years, which i finally was able to get a new cover for. navy blue looks much better than the stained cream pillowcase that was on it for so long.
i am grateful for a little extra money that has allowed me to continue getting things we need for our home. i struggle sometimes still with feeling like i am the one who has to do everything. but let me rephrase that--it isn't that i have to, it's that i am the only one who will do things without making a big deal about them. i have already learned not to ask noah to do or participate in certain things, because i don't like hearing him react negatively to things. so i'm grateful to be learning how best to operate within this domestic partnership we've taken on, and grateful still for the ways that noah has been so helpful--running to grab something from sheetz, or going to do something so that i don't have to leave the house (this is a big deal to me). i appreciate that he wanted to set up auto-pay for the electric bill, so that i don't have to worry about that bill (just the half i need to pay to noah). i am also grateful that noah takes good care of his dog. as i said to him, it would have likely been a deal-breaker if he weren't a good pet-owner.
complaining is like sugar. a little is inconsequential, and we all have the right to bitch about things that make our days more complicated or annoying. but too much of it and it's toxic. i really try not to complain too much. i do try to practice gratitude, while still maintianing a level of awareness about the world around me (which is still so filtered according to the media outlets that i do pay attention to). i think i really have given up on making the world a better place, and instead have shifted my focus to my own home and the relationships i have. i don't feel like a very good friend. i don't feel like i've contributed much to this world, but i am doing my best not to be a bad human, with no concept of how my actions effect others, or how my consumption effects the planet. i really do what i can, and it's nowhere near perfect, but it's something.
in 50 years, i don't know how much will have changed. i don't know if i'll still be here, or be on my way to being forgotten already. but i am here now, and i am grateful for my time.
yesterday, while i was talking with marci on the phone in the office, magellan was being herself and demanding i pay her attention. she climbed up to my shoulder and settled in, with my right hand supporting her bum. she was there, purring, content as could be. and i was thankful for the extra warmth, and the soothing vibrations of her purrs traveling through my shoulder and chest.
i was remembering that moment, and feeling grateful for such a nice, safe, cozy weekend. i got a lot done. there are times i do feel compelled to make a list of everything i accomplish, because when i have the energy to be productive, i feel i get a lot done. and while my worth is not dependent upon my productivity, there is also nothing wrong with feeling good about myself for getting shit completed.
i managed to get rid of some junk, put more things away, do a few loads of laundry, change the sheets and comforter on our bed (including getting the new comforter cover on the comforter amanda gave me a couple years ago--which noah did help me with saturday). noah helped me to take the tree down, and i swept up the pine needles in the kitchen and dining room. i got the stairs swept, the garbage taken out of the bathroom, office, kitchen, and bedroom. i used the little fake roomba and also manually swept more of the living room. i did dishes like 3 days in a row to finally have an empty sink by sunday (which now has a few things in it again, but not a pile). i also took a shower myself. while i was on the phone with marci, i got clothes that had been sitting in hampers folded and put away. i also separated out the scarves that i am ready to part with, and next need to take a few bags of giveaway stuff to the goodwill. i wiped down surfaces. i organized. i took my pile of mail up to the office. i have almost all of the christmas decorations put away (though the box and tree stand are still in the dining room, as well as the box of gift bags).
the work is never done. spaces gather dust. the floor is always dirty, and sometimes it's more visible. it was lovely to sleep in a bed with clean sheets that smelled clean with a mostly clean body as well since noah and i both showered on sunday. we also got to have sex for the first time since i got 3 different cysts in my crotch. that was nice.
i know that i am moving into PMS time, so i felt it was important to document feeling pretty good, and feeling accomplished, and feeling grateful.
i am so grateful for my home, and i don't like worrying about whether we will be able to stay there. i keep putting out into the universe that by the time i finish going through everything i need to in order to get rid of more stuff, it will be time to buy a home. i am okay with the timeline of being in this apartment for a couple of years. 3 tops. but then i will be ready to move on.
i am grateful for the sunlight that comes streaming into my home, nourishing the plants and my family. i am grateful for a low-stress job with a consistent income. for coffee at work. for being able to sit in a comfortable spot at work. i am grateful that i don't have to worry about food any more. i am grateful for my body and the ways it works to get things done. for the pleasures it allows me as well. i am grateful i do not have children, and can focus on my needs. i am grateful for my cats, who are just the sweetest little butts. grateful they chose to be with me. grateful noah did too.
i started to feel distant from noah. it began when he was being impatient with me, and complained because i was taking "too long" to text people on saturday. he expressed that he could have been doing something else in the time while he waited for me. i am grateful that i am not verbally reactive. i did have an emotional response to this, but i did not say anything that i would later regret. and by the time noah apologized for his behavior, i was able to honestly say "you're allowed to feel annoyed," while fully recognizing that it was his issue, not mine. i had done nothing wrong. i am grateful for the time it takes me sometimes to form a verbal response. i am grateful that most times i able to think before i speak something that could be hurtful.
i am grateful for the mornings when no one else is at work, and all i have are the sounds of the noise machine, the hum of the computer, and the clicking of keys as i type. the peace i feel in that time is priceless.
i am grateful for my emotional intelligence, and continual improvement with boundaries, separating feelings from rational thought, and grateful for the time that i do have to process. i am grateful that i have friends who are so intelligent and understanding and compassionate. grateful for the support in my life, and the ways that i have opened my heart to others.
noah sent a text this morning that he was not having a good day, and that he was contemplating quitting his job. he has to do what is best for his own happiness. i just hope that if he does quit, he doesn't lollygag for too long before finding another job/income. i would expect anyone to enjoy a little time off before jumping into something else, but i know how easily days turn to weeks when one has nothing structuring their days.
i am grateful for my bedding. grateful for a comfortable mattress and the body pillow that has lasted all these years, which i finally was able to get a new cover for. navy blue looks much better than the stained cream pillowcase that was on it for so long.
i am grateful for a little extra money that has allowed me to continue getting things we need for our home. i struggle sometimes still with feeling like i am the one who has to do everything. but let me rephrase that--it isn't that i have to, it's that i am the only one who will do things without making a big deal about them. i have already learned not to ask noah to do or participate in certain things, because i don't like hearing him react negatively to things. so i'm grateful to be learning how best to operate within this domestic partnership we've taken on, and grateful still for the ways that noah has been so helpful--running to grab something from sheetz, or going to do something so that i don't have to leave the house (this is a big deal to me). i appreciate that he wanted to set up auto-pay for the electric bill, so that i don't have to worry about that bill (just the half i need to pay to noah). i am also grateful that noah takes good care of his dog. as i said to him, it would have likely been a deal-breaker if he weren't a good pet-owner.
complaining is like sugar. a little is inconsequential, and we all have the right to bitch about things that make our days more complicated or annoying. but too much of it and it's toxic. i really try not to complain too much. i do try to practice gratitude, while still maintianing a level of awareness about the world around me (which is still so filtered according to the media outlets that i do pay attention to). i think i really have given up on making the world a better place, and instead have shifted my focus to my own home and the relationships i have. i don't feel like a very good friend. i don't feel like i've contributed much to this world, but i am doing my best not to be a bad human, with no concept of how my actions effect others, or how my consumption effects the planet. i really do what i can, and it's nowhere near perfect, but it's something.
in 50 years, i don't know how much will have changed. i don't know if i'll still be here, or be on my way to being forgotten already. but i am here now, and i am grateful for my time.
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