six months
january 28, 2020
six months in, and i'm reflecting on all the things that are part of this love i've decided to run with.
sometimes i don't feel like he's trying as hard as i am. but then i know that getting up and going to work consistently is a feat. even i struggle with it.
i read a short narrative yesterday from humans of new york in which the author discussed staying in a toxic relationship that enabled, and encouraged his depression rather than healthy coping. while i don't feel that we enable each other's depressive symptoms, i worry what would happen if i really spiraled. i fear that he wouldn't be able to be strong enough to carry us both for a little while. i don't want him to ever have to deal with that. but i've seen how he responds to having to pay bills, how he still struggles to accept that this is simply part of how it is, even though it's not okay, it's how it is and there isn't a whole lot we can do to change it. but if we do want to change it, we're going to have to work harder and probably live outside the mainstream, and i don't think he wants that because he needs to have wifi.
i would be lying if i said i never doubt our future together. there are times i wonder if we have what it takes to last. i also came across a short read about how the one thing this person wants is to see that her partner is trying as hard as she is.
sometimes i see that. and other times it just seems like he's avoiding reality as much as possible. i have never been one to escape. not that i don't enjoy having fun. but i prefer to make adjustments to my reality so that i can feel more fulfilled in it, not escape. not find a place outside of it that doesn't really help me navigate back inside. i am more pragmatic.
and we don't have to be alike in every way. we don't have to have everything in common. but how many times have i discussed other couples having fundamental differences that made the relationship less likely to last? so i fear there are some fundamental differences.
i think a lot of them...i worry that a lot of them have to do with unhealed wounds. and then i worry that he won't be proactive about his healing. that he will rely too much on me and my love to avoid feeling the pain of those wounds, but that then they will continuously catch up with him, and i'll bear the brunt of his inability to healthily cope. either from him shutting me out and escaping into his games, or being mean to me, or just shutting down a bit. i've heard about plenty of this happening with grace, and i judged her for choosing a partner who has those issues. so if i'm in a similar boat, i suppose it's karmic.
i want someone emotionally mature. and part of that maturity is handling our own baggage in a constructive way. making it a priority, and dealing with it even when we don't feel like it. telling ourselves we do feel like it, because it's important enough to focus our attention on it and take steps to manage it better.
i love him. and i want to be with him. but i know that he is going to have to show up more for himself for me to continue. and i'm not sure what the timeframe is for me to be patient with this. i suppose i just need to see evidence that he is working on it. i'm not asking him to change for me. and i have no right to prescribe how he should change for himself. but he has acknowledged that there are things he needs to be better with, and has stated he is trying, and i just need to see that he is.
because ultimately i don't want to be taking care of someone as i would a child. i want a partner, who i know is there for me, who i can rely on. who can handle getting errands done before playing video games, and prioritizing the boring things because they need to be taken care of even if they aren't fun. who accepts that life is not just all about fun.
maybe i'm just dwelling on this instead of working. i feel like i am going to have to make a decision about my own income soon, and i'm dreading it. but when you don't have a career figured out, then you come back to this place repeatedly where you are trying to figure it out.
noah was talking about how if he was able to keep up with all the things, all the adult responsibilities, that life would be so much easier. and i told him i think that's an illusion. i think it's really hard no matter what. and maybe the same can be said about love. even if we do everything right, everything healthily, maybe relationships like this are still hard sometimes, and maybe we experience doubt sometimes. i know that commitment involves a choice, and that each day i make a decision to be with him. and when i ask myself if i still want to keep doing that, the answer is yes. even though i know that disney love isn't real, i think i still put too much pressure on myself for things to be a certain way. and while there is nothing wrong with being alone, i am not anywhere near ready to give up on this love and this cohabitation. we are at the very, very beginning of building a life together. and i just need to know that he's going to put in as much effort as i am. because that's part of meeting each other halfway.
let me take a moment to acknowledge all the ways that he is good to me. he is kind and caring, especially when i don't feel good. he is always willing to go get me something if i need it, or sometimes just when i really want it. he is an excellent communicator. he is very affectionate, and shows me every day that he loves me with hugs and kisses and verbal affirmations. he expresses his appreciation for me. he takes us grocery shopping even when i don't have any money to contribute. he offers to help me with things, and is good about doing something when i ask him to.
i don't want to list the things i feel he needs to work on. he knows what they are (except maybe the showering thing--but if i can start gently letting him know how soon he smells ripe after a shower, hopefully he'll learn that he just needs to bathe more frequently). but i love him even with those things. i guess i just worry that i'm settling. i don't want to settle. he's an amazing human being. and i feel understood with him, for the most part. and i do feel connected to him. but ever since he was impatient and got annoyed with me, i keep coming back to this feeling of distance, and i am afraid i'm not going to be able to feel the same level of connected and close with him that i felt at the beginning of things. we used to spend minutes just staring into each other's eyes. we used to lie in bed and just bask in the glow of our love for each other, our utter joy in being with each other. i guess nothing lasts forever, but that doesn't mean that it has to end. it just means the feelings evolve. the connection evolves. the way things feel evolves. and as long as it isn't unhealthy, i don't think i need to overthink things.
i chose to be with him for a reason. maybe the reason why is what's bothering me, because i'm afraid i ended up with him by default. but it wasn't default. it was a very conscious decision. i couldn't pass up the opportunity to experience what i've said i would like to--a long-term relationship in which we cohabitate. and here we are. figuring it out together. some things are just easier than others. and i think since i don't have a whole lot to compare this experience to, i feel more unsure or uneasy about things.
i just found out that kate isn't coming in today, so i've got to see if there are things i need to shift to accommodate her not being here. i just wish this feeling like i'm going to cry would go away. i have felt this way for a couple days now, and while i'm not devoid of other positive emotions as well, i can't seem to shake this lingering sadness. i do think a lot of it has to do with knowing that i won't be able to do this job forever, and rather than enjoying the time i have here, i'm already worrying about the future. so perhaps i should practice some mindfulness today, and focus on my work, and let my emotions be what they are without trying to pick myself apart!
six months in, and i'm reflecting on all the things that are part of this love i've decided to run with.
sometimes i don't feel like he's trying as hard as i am. but then i know that getting up and going to work consistently is a feat. even i struggle with it.
i read a short narrative yesterday from humans of new york in which the author discussed staying in a toxic relationship that enabled, and encouraged his depression rather than healthy coping. while i don't feel that we enable each other's depressive symptoms, i worry what would happen if i really spiraled. i fear that he wouldn't be able to be strong enough to carry us both for a little while. i don't want him to ever have to deal with that. but i've seen how he responds to having to pay bills, how he still struggles to accept that this is simply part of how it is, even though it's not okay, it's how it is and there isn't a whole lot we can do to change it. but if we do want to change it, we're going to have to work harder and probably live outside the mainstream, and i don't think he wants that because he needs to have wifi.
i would be lying if i said i never doubt our future together. there are times i wonder if we have what it takes to last. i also came across a short read about how the one thing this person wants is to see that her partner is trying as hard as she is.
sometimes i see that. and other times it just seems like he's avoiding reality as much as possible. i have never been one to escape. not that i don't enjoy having fun. but i prefer to make adjustments to my reality so that i can feel more fulfilled in it, not escape. not find a place outside of it that doesn't really help me navigate back inside. i am more pragmatic.
and we don't have to be alike in every way. we don't have to have everything in common. but how many times have i discussed other couples having fundamental differences that made the relationship less likely to last? so i fear there are some fundamental differences.
i think a lot of them...i worry that a lot of them have to do with unhealed wounds. and then i worry that he won't be proactive about his healing. that he will rely too much on me and my love to avoid feeling the pain of those wounds, but that then they will continuously catch up with him, and i'll bear the brunt of his inability to healthily cope. either from him shutting me out and escaping into his games, or being mean to me, or just shutting down a bit. i've heard about plenty of this happening with grace, and i judged her for choosing a partner who has those issues. so if i'm in a similar boat, i suppose it's karmic.
i want someone emotionally mature. and part of that maturity is handling our own baggage in a constructive way. making it a priority, and dealing with it even when we don't feel like it. telling ourselves we do feel like it, because it's important enough to focus our attention on it and take steps to manage it better.
i love him. and i want to be with him. but i know that he is going to have to show up more for himself for me to continue. and i'm not sure what the timeframe is for me to be patient with this. i suppose i just need to see evidence that he is working on it. i'm not asking him to change for me. and i have no right to prescribe how he should change for himself. but he has acknowledged that there are things he needs to be better with, and has stated he is trying, and i just need to see that he is.
because ultimately i don't want to be taking care of someone as i would a child. i want a partner, who i know is there for me, who i can rely on. who can handle getting errands done before playing video games, and prioritizing the boring things because they need to be taken care of even if they aren't fun. who accepts that life is not just all about fun.
maybe i'm just dwelling on this instead of working. i feel like i am going to have to make a decision about my own income soon, and i'm dreading it. but when you don't have a career figured out, then you come back to this place repeatedly where you are trying to figure it out.
noah was talking about how if he was able to keep up with all the things, all the adult responsibilities, that life would be so much easier. and i told him i think that's an illusion. i think it's really hard no matter what. and maybe the same can be said about love. even if we do everything right, everything healthily, maybe relationships like this are still hard sometimes, and maybe we experience doubt sometimes. i know that commitment involves a choice, and that each day i make a decision to be with him. and when i ask myself if i still want to keep doing that, the answer is yes. even though i know that disney love isn't real, i think i still put too much pressure on myself for things to be a certain way. and while there is nothing wrong with being alone, i am not anywhere near ready to give up on this love and this cohabitation. we are at the very, very beginning of building a life together. and i just need to know that he's going to put in as much effort as i am. because that's part of meeting each other halfway.
let me take a moment to acknowledge all the ways that he is good to me. he is kind and caring, especially when i don't feel good. he is always willing to go get me something if i need it, or sometimes just when i really want it. he is an excellent communicator. he is very affectionate, and shows me every day that he loves me with hugs and kisses and verbal affirmations. he expresses his appreciation for me. he takes us grocery shopping even when i don't have any money to contribute. he offers to help me with things, and is good about doing something when i ask him to.
i don't want to list the things i feel he needs to work on. he knows what they are (except maybe the showering thing--but if i can start gently letting him know how soon he smells ripe after a shower, hopefully he'll learn that he just needs to bathe more frequently). but i love him even with those things. i guess i just worry that i'm settling. i don't want to settle. he's an amazing human being. and i feel understood with him, for the most part. and i do feel connected to him. but ever since he was impatient and got annoyed with me, i keep coming back to this feeling of distance, and i am afraid i'm not going to be able to feel the same level of connected and close with him that i felt at the beginning of things. we used to spend minutes just staring into each other's eyes. we used to lie in bed and just bask in the glow of our love for each other, our utter joy in being with each other. i guess nothing lasts forever, but that doesn't mean that it has to end. it just means the feelings evolve. the connection evolves. the way things feel evolves. and as long as it isn't unhealthy, i don't think i need to overthink things.
i chose to be with him for a reason. maybe the reason why is what's bothering me, because i'm afraid i ended up with him by default. but it wasn't default. it was a very conscious decision. i couldn't pass up the opportunity to experience what i've said i would like to--a long-term relationship in which we cohabitate. and here we are. figuring it out together. some things are just easier than others. and i think since i don't have a whole lot to compare this experience to, i feel more unsure or uneasy about things.
i just found out that kate isn't coming in today, so i've got to see if there are things i need to shift to accommodate her not being here. i just wish this feeling like i'm going to cry would go away. i have felt this way for a couple days now, and while i'm not devoid of other positive emotions as well, i can't seem to shake this lingering sadness. i do think a lot of it has to do with knowing that i won't be able to do this job forever, and rather than enjoying the time i have here, i'm already worrying about the future. so perhaps i should practice some mindfulness today, and focus on my work, and let my emotions be what they are without trying to pick myself apart!
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