controlling emotional distance

march 24, 2017

it's like a game, when you finally decide to try and control your emotions. there are these chemicals at play, wreaking havoc on your brain, your thoughts. the new feelings kick up the dopamine or serotonin. but you need more to keep the feelings going. so if there isn't enough stimulation, the high fades. and then it becomes easier to decide to back away. to let the physical distance match the emotional. to stop sharing so much. to stop feeling excited and curious.

those feelings are still there. and my own issues make it impossible to be platonic without the wondering and wanting and desire for closeness, physical and emotional.

i always think about compatibility. about how there are different aspects of it, and how icky it seems to be when people don't have enough of it. ideologically, i feel like my formal education, my silly pieces of paper, do provide me with even more variation on perspective. that on top of my mostly healthy childhood differ greatly from the bulk of his child and adolescent and young adult development.

there were moments yesterday when i wondered if my hopes were completely fantasy, because if he can't get past his pain, and be open enough to let someone try to love him, then no amount of kindness and friendship is going to change that.

again, it reinforces the idea of being friends. of just being able to interact with him without hoping anything else happens. and if i can't do that, then neither of us can enjoy being friends. so. idk. sometimes i still think he's just being nice. not too nice. but i worry because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, he doesn't just admit he wishes i would keep my distance.

eventually, without the right amount of effort, i will let him fade into the periphery. focus mainly on my other relationships.