sick of fantasizing
9/28/16
i was driving home today, feeling all smiley, because it had been a good day at work, and i had been chatting a bit with this guy, and at some point on route 8 north, i started shaking my head at myself. because there i was--fantasizing about a future with a person i don't know, who i'm sure has no interest in me other than being friends. and it just makes me sick to my stomach that my brain does this. it doesn't happen all the time. but it's been so long since i've had any sort of real feelings for someone, that the second someone came back into my life, i got all excited. and it was like that was the green light for my brain to start imagining things that are just fucking painful to imagine, because they will never be true. like coming home to this guy. like making dinner together. like being able to come back, after a long day at work that may have been a little extra hard, and just being able to be held by someone who has my back no matter what.
why do this to myself? what is it that i'm trying to learn from this? that i simply shouldn't even attempt to be friends with people who i think might be good to have in my life? it wasn't long ago i was screaming about how i don't want any more friends. i'm good with friends. i can barely keep up with the ones i have (i mean, i don't--i don't get to see everyone anywhere near as often as i would like to to feel like a proper friend). and yet i couldn't help myself. i saw him there, transformed on that fucking dating app, and i reached out. i really wasn't expecting him to respond. i certainly wasn't expecting him to actually be interested in reconnecting and picking up where we left off in the beginning of a friendship. but i for damn sure already knew that i was attracted to him, and how it would be difficult for my ego to deal with him not being attracted to me.
i would like to believe that i will be able to learn from him, because i learn something in all of my relationships. but i'm so sick of enacting this pattern. like boy. boy thinks i'm cool, but not dating material (for himself). boy wants me to be in his life, but as friend. i go along with it, because i know that my ego shouldn't matter, and that just because he doesn't want to fuck me, doesn't mean i'm any less worthy of love than the thin girls.
it's stupid. but it's where i'm at. in this weird state where i keep putting it out into the universe that i'm available, i'm interested in building something. but scared to death to actually develop feelings. terrified still of intimacy, including the naked kind, because i'm not in a good place with my own body.
i just want someone who looks forward to spending time with me. like, who MAKES the time to hang out with me, because it makes them feel so good. someone who looks forward to the weekend, because there might be some time for us to get together and just talk. or watch a movie and snuggle on the couch. or go out for dinner. or go to a movie. or go for a walk somewhere outside of town. or go for a drive. or go to a pumpkin patch. i don't know, just whatever, because we're excited to do whatever it is we decide to do because we get to do it together.
but i'm sick of fantasizing. i'm sick of the automatic fantasies that begin taunting me with their impossibility the moment that i feel like i might be interested in someone. i've gotten much better at self control. but that's the other thing--if i feel like i have to hold back, then it isn't right. right? if i have to censor myself, or if i worry too much about what the other person thinks because i'm being honest, then it isn't right. right? he tells me i haven't been too much, that he will let me know if i get obnoxious. i hate that i'm compelled to share things with him. why? because it doesn't feel mutual. he does seem to appreciate that i initiated the reconnect. i don't think he's lying when he says that it would be nice to meet up for dinner. that he's glad i found him. but i don't just want someone who is glad to have met a friend. i want someone who is excited to get to know me. who can't wait to have a real conversation with me, because they know it will easily last for six hours if we aren't paying attention to time. someone who wants to help me, and let me help them, and just fucking loves me exactly the way that i am, even though who i am is something it will take them time to really learn. i want that. i want to feel that way about someone, and i want them to feel it back. and admitting that that's where i am right now is so fucking infuriating, because i worked really hard to get over all this bullshit before.
i really am content alone. i'm almost angry that i came across his picture. angry because i know he wouldn't have made the effort to reach out to me. he could have. but i was the one. the one who felt all these things upon seeing his picture, and realizing that he was doing much better than the last time i saw him, so i thought maybe, just maybe this time the timing would be right. and it was foolish. it was fantasy. and i'm tired of the fucking fantasy. i need to live in the reality of the situation, appreciate it for what it is, or, if it's too painful already, fucking own up to how i feel and walk away. stupid fucking hormones and emotions. i've had it with both.
why do this to myself? what is it that i'm trying to learn from this? that i simply shouldn't even attempt to be friends with people who i think might be good to have in my life? it wasn't long ago i was screaming about how i don't want any more friends. i'm good with friends. i can barely keep up with the ones i have (i mean, i don't--i don't get to see everyone anywhere near as often as i would like to to feel like a proper friend). and yet i couldn't help myself. i saw him there, transformed on that fucking dating app, and i reached out. i really wasn't expecting him to respond. i certainly wasn't expecting him to actually be interested in reconnecting and picking up where we left off in the beginning of a friendship. but i for damn sure already knew that i was attracted to him, and how it would be difficult for my ego to deal with him not being attracted to me.
i would like to believe that i will be able to learn from him, because i learn something in all of my relationships. but i'm so sick of enacting this pattern. like boy. boy thinks i'm cool, but not dating material (for himself). boy wants me to be in his life, but as friend. i go along with it, because i know that my ego shouldn't matter, and that just because he doesn't want to fuck me, doesn't mean i'm any less worthy of love than the thin girls.
it's stupid. but it's where i'm at. in this weird state where i keep putting it out into the universe that i'm available, i'm interested in building something. but scared to death to actually develop feelings. terrified still of intimacy, including the naked kind, because i'm not in a good place with my own body.
i just want someone who looks forward to spending time with me. like, who MAKES the time to hang out with me, because it makes them feel so good. someone who looks forward to the weekend, because there might be some time for us to get together and just talk. or watch a movie and snuggle on the couch. or go out for dinner. or go to a movie. or go for a walk somewhere outside of town. or go for a drive. or go to a pumpkin patch. i don't know, just whatever, because we're excited to do whatever it is we decide to do because we get to do it together.
but i'm sick of fantasizing. i'm sick of the automatic fantasies that begin taunting me with their impossibility the moment that i feel like i might be interested in someone. i've gotten much better at self control. but that's the other thing--if i feel like i have to hold back, then it isn't right. right? if i have to censor myself, or if i worry too much about what the other person thinks because i'm being honest, then it isn't right. right? he tells me i haven't been too much, that he will let me know if i get obnoxious. i hate that i'm compelled to share things with him. why? because it doesn't feel mutual. he does seem to appreciate that i initiated the reconnect. i don't think he's lying when he says that it would be nice to meet up for dinner. that he's glad i found him. but i don't just want someone who is glad to have met a friend. i want someone who is excited to get to know me. who can't wait to have a real conversation with me, because they know it will easily last for six hours if we aren't paying attention to time. someone who wants to help me, and let me help them, and just fucking loves me exactly the way that i am, even though who i am is something it will take them time to really learn. i want that. i want to feel that way about someone, and i want them to feel it back. and admitting that that's where i am right now is so fucking infuriating, because i worked really hard to get over all this bullshit before.
i really am content alone. i'm almost angry that i came across his picture. angry because i know he wouldn't have made the effort to reach out to me. he could have. but i was the one. the one who felt all these things upon seeing his picture, and realizing that he was doing much better than the last time i saw him, so i thought maybe, just maybe this time the timing would be right. and it was foolish. it was fantasy. and i'm tired of the fucking fantasy. i need to live in the reality of the situation, appreciate it for what it is, or, if it's too painful already, fucking own up to how i feel and walk away. stupid fucking hormones and emotions. i've had it with both.
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