fat is beautiful too
back home from another party at the gibson farm, i should be reveling in the afterglow of a wonderful night with beautiful people and positive energies. but instead i'm suffering from the crash after the high, because one person's words keep ringing in my ears, reminding me that my anger and sadness about being judged for my weight are not unfounded.
sitting at the picnic table where some of the other smokers had congregated, my long-time friend was among the group. somehow my youngest sister's attire came up. and i immediately shut down that male gaze chatter by reminding everyone that if they were objectifying her, that was their issue, not hers. i will not condemn her for being comfortable in her body. i will not condemn her for experimenting with styles that are risque. because in plenty of other countries around the world, women are not judged for being half or completely naked in public. those cultures that have been around longer than ours do not shame women, in particular, for celebrating their human form in all of its natural glory. there was some additional brief discussion, and then this friend said, "well, she is the hottest of the koutsouflakis sisters." this was a loaded statement (made more complex by the fact that the person uttering it has fucked me).
my other friends almost immediately tried to jump in to argue against his perspective, one stating that we (my sisters and i) were all beautiful. but it was too late. the words had been uttered. and my worries over people judging me were pulled to the foreground of my attention. i responded with a fuck you and laughed, brushed it off and let the conversation move on. but the anger returned in place of a hangover, and here i am.
now, i know that my body is mine. and i know that my worth as a human being does not rely on how much men (or women) enjoy looking at my body as a potential source of sexual pleasure. and i know that there are plenty of people who do find me sexually desireable. that really should be all that needs to be said, but it doesn't take away from how much it hurt. because those kinds of statements then trigger a series of negative thinking that make me feel like all the effort i have made to fight those kinds of thoughts is null. and as with a hangover, i have to deal with those thoughts until they fade away and i feel like myself again.
few people who attend these parties are single. most folks show up with their long-term partner, or their newest partner, or sometimes the folks who are single mingle with other singles, and manage to find someone to share a tent with by the end of the night. there have been a couple times i've shown up in all the years these parties have been going on with a date of my own. but the last time that happened, the night did not go very well for me, and the fun that i would have had was tainted by my embarrassment and disappointment caused by the realization that the person i was with was not really for me. and so, year after year, i show up and try to ignore the fact that i am single. to ignore the fact that i will be sleeping alone there just as i do most nights of my life thus far. try to ignore the fact that secretly people are thinking things like, "she would be so much prettier if she just lost weight" or "if she just took better care of herself, she would be so hot." again, i should revert immediately to the points made above regarding my body and my worth. but i live in a world that places a lot of emphasis on appearance. and it is infuriating to think that no matter how successful i become, or how much progress i make as an individual with amazing talent and strength of intellect, that i will feel reduced to my appearance as soon as i'm surrounded by people who have not had to struggle with their weight in the ways i have.
there are a handful of larger people (women) who attend these shindigs. and they feel free enough to don their swimsuits and enjoy the in-ground, heated pool. but i can't help but think how many of these people are not single, and i imagine the comfort of having someone, one person, whom they know appreciates, loves, and wants them exactly as they are has the power to overshadow the negative thoughts undoubtedly in their peripheral. i suppose knowing plenty of my friends recognize my beauty should be what i focus on. as a fat person, in that scenario, surrounded by thin people, it is impossible for me to block out those thoughts. i try. i really do. i try to focus on the good. on the fact that every person there who knows me appreciates me for who i am. but what gets left out of that is that they appreciate me for the way i look as well. and i want to reach a point i feel appreciated inside and out, by friends as well as lovers. and beyond that, i want to reach a point when i can say to someone (a friend, as it were) that they don't need to broadcast their disapproval of my appearance. their judgment. their criticism. if they are concerned about my health, then we can have a conversation about my right to still be learning how to care for myself while i have plenty of other parts of my life and myself figured out. we can look at all the places they also still have room to grow and they can apologize for drawing attention to something as superficial as my fucking commercial sex appeal.
as i said, these thoughts, that statement is made more upsetting by the fact that i have fucked the person who said it. there were three people at the party last night, in fact, with whom i've had sex in the past. of the three men, only one actually dated me. and my reason for ending things with him was because i no longer felt sexually attracted to him. not because i found him repulsive, but because the attraction i had felt toward him fizzled out as time went on, and there were not strong enough feelings to accompany the initial attraction for me to feel like it was something i should work through or wait out. but i appreciate that man to this day because i never felt ugly in his presence. i felt appreciated both for my mind and my body. i wish that knowing this helped to drown out the negative thoughts. i wish it were enough to counteract the damage those hurtful words did, but apparently it is not. because here i am struggling not to cry, struggling not to feel small and worthless in the afternoon after a night of celebration.
"every word you utter." there is a line from the bible that a coworker many years ago said to me. we were talking about the things that our parents say to us, and how adults often don't realize the impact of their words until long after the damage has been done. my mom used to say hurtful things about my body. i struggled for years to see that i was beautiful because i didn't have a ballerina's body or discipline. part of me wants to say something to the man who uttered those words to me. to point out that it's not the first time someone has made me feel bad about my body. but what's the point? perhaps it would make him reconsider before blurting out something potentially hurtful to another person...
sitting at the picnic table where some of the other smokers had congregated, my long-time friend was among the group. somehow my youngest sister's attire came up. and i immediately shut down that male gaze chatter by reminding everyone that if they were objectifying her, that was their issue, not hers. i will not condemn her for being comfortable in her body. i will not condemn her for experimenting with styles that are risque. because in plenty of other countries around the world, women are not judged for being half or completely naked in public. those cultures that have been around longer than ours do not shame women, in particular, for celebrating their human form in all of its natural glory. there was some additional brief discussion, and then this friend said, "well, she is the hottest of the koutsouflakis sisters." this was a loaded statement (made more complex by the fact that the person uttering it has fucked me).
my other friends almost immediately tried to jump in to argue against his perspective, one stating that we (my sisters and i) were all beautiful. but it was too late. the words had been uttered. and my worries over people judging me were pulled to the foreground of my attention. i responded with a fuck you and laughed, brushed it off and let the conversation move on. but the anger returned in place of a hangover, and here i am.
now, i know that my body is mine. and i know that my worth as a human being does not rely on how much men (or women) enjoy looking at my body as a potential source of sexual pleasure. and i know that there are plenty of people who do find me sexually desireable. that really should be all that needs to be said, but it doesn't take away from how much it hurt. because those kinds of statements then trigger a series of negative thinking that make me feel like all the effort i have made to fight those kinds of thoughts is null. and as with a hangover, i have to deal with those thoughts until they fade away and i feel like myself again.
few people who attend these parties are single. most folks show up with their long-term partner, or their newest partner, or sometimes the folks who are single mingle with other singles, and manage to find someone to share a tent with by the end of the night. there have been a couple times i've shown up in all the years these parties have been going on with a date of my own. but the last time that happened, the night did not go very well for me, and the fun that i would have had was tainted by my embarrassment and disappointment caused by the realization that the person i was with was not really for me. and so, year after year, i show up and try to ignore the fact that i am single. to ignore the fact that i will be sleeping alone there just as i do most nights of my life thus far. try to ignore the fact that secretly people are thinking things like, "she would be so much prettier if she just lost weight" or "if she just took better care of herself, she would be so hot." again, i should revert immediately to the points made above regarding my body and my worth. but i live in a world that places a lot of emphasis on appearance. and it is infuriating to think that no matter how successful i become, or how much progress i make as an individual with amazing talent and strength of intellect, that i will feel reduced to my appearance as soon as i'm surrounded by people who have not had to struggle with their weight in the ways i have.
there are a handful of larger people (women) who attend these shindigs. and they feel free enough to don their swimsuits and enjoy the in-ground, heated pool. but i can't help but think how many of these people are not single, and i imagine the comfort of having someone, one person, whom they know appreciates, loves, and wants them exactly as they are has the power to overshadow the negative thoughts undoubtedly in their peripheral. i suppose knowing plenty of my friends recognize my beauty should be what i focus on. as a fat person, in that scenario, surrounded by thin people, it is impossible for me to block out those thoughts. i try. i really do. i try to focus on the good. on the fact that every person there who knows me appreciates me for who i am. but what gets left out of that is that they appreciate me for the way i look as well. and i want to reach a point i feel appreciated inside and out, by friends as well as lovers. and beyond that, i want to reach a point when i can say to someone (a friend, as it were) that they don't need to broadcast their disapproval of my appearance. their judgment. their criticism. if they are concerned about my health, then we can have a conversation about my right to still be learning how to care for myself while i have plenty of other parts of my life and myself figured out. we can look at all the places they also still have room to grow and they can apologize for drawing attention to something as superficial as my fucking commercial sex appeal.
as i said, these thoughts, that statement is made more upsetting by the fact that i have fucked the person who said it. there were three people at the party last night, in fact, with whom i've had sex in the past. of the three men, only one actually dated me. and my reason for ending things with him was because i no longer felt sexually attracted to him. not because i found him repulsive, but because the attraction i had felt toward him fizzled out as time went on, and there were not strong enough feelings to accompany the initial attraction for me to feel like it was something i should work through or wait out. but i appreciate that man to this day because i never felt ugly in his presence. i felt appreciated both for my mind and my body. i wish that knowing this helped to drown out the negative thoughts. i wish it were enough to counteract the damage those hurtful words did, but apparently it is not. because here i am struggling not to cry, struggling not to feel small and worthless in the afternoon after a night of celebration.
"every word you utter." there is a line from the bible that a coworker many years ago said to me. we were talking about the things that our parents say to us, and how adults often don't realize the impact of their words until long after the damage has been done. my mom used to say hurtful things about my body. i struggled for years to see that i was beautiful because i didn't have a ballerina's body or discipline. part of me wants to say something to the man who uttered those words to me. to point out that it's not the first time someone has made me feel bad about my body. but what's the point? perhaps it would make him reconsider before blurting out something potentially hurtful to another person...
but that doesn't eliminate the culture of thin privilege that exists, it doesn't change the assumptions people make about fat people. it doesn't change the way bigger bodies aren't represented in the media. and i'm not saying that i wish fat people were sexualized in the same way thin people are. but i do wish that in my lifetime i could see a shift that doesn't still somehow reinforce the idea that only thin can be beautiful. and don't get me started on the facet of appearance that relates to health. there is nothing wrong with someone making an effort to be healthy. for those who agree that the body is a temple--great. tend your temple in the way that you see fit. but in the same ways some of us support a woman's freedom of choice when it comes to abortion--because it is her body, and therefore her decision what to do with it--i feel it is also a person's right to devote hours to sculpting muscle-tone...or not to. the rant about unhealthy people costing taxpayers millions i'll save for another time.
the older i get, the desire to work out five times a week or however goddamn much one is supposed to, has not gotten any stronger. my desire to live to a ripe old age has also not gotten any stronger. i want to enjoy my life. now. while i can and do enjoy using my body in ways i will not always be able to thanks to the inevitable entropy of the human form. and that enjoyment for me includes food that tastes good. that enjoyment includes being able to sit my ass down on my couch and become absorbed into the hilarity or drama of my latest netflix shows (this also helps me cope with the very real shit i encounter working with people dealing with mental health issues). it includes sitting and writing or composing a song. occasionally it even means dancing in the privacy of my living room, or doing one of the workout videos i have, safe from the gaze of others who might judge me. sometimes it includes masturbating to mimic the sensations that i seldom experience with another person because there is a scarcity of men my age in my town who are revolutionary enough to see beauty and sex appeal in a woman who does not fit the socially prescribed definition of what is hot. point being--it's my body, and it's okay if you don't want it. i don't have to share it with you. and the person i do share it with will appreciate it. like i do. maybe better.
eventually i'm sure i will meet another one of those kinds of men. who appreciates me exactly the way i am, and seeks to support my growth and development according to the goals i have for myself, based on the fact that they respect my perspective and trust that i will do what i feel is best for my happiness. and until then, i will wake up each day, attempt to hush the voices in my head that echo statements like the one at the picnic table yesterday, and carry on making a difference in the world that ultimately does not care how i look or how much men want to fuck me, because what will be remembered is my character, my work, the ways i've shared my energy with those around me. not the extra cushion on my bones, or the appeal of my pussy. my ability to help others heal and grow is not hindered by the "extra" pounds i carry with me, and i hope that some day my peace of mind is also no longer hindered by such shallow, ignorant ideas.
the older i get, the desire to work out five times a week or however goddamn much one is supposed to, has not gotten any stronger. my desire to live to a ripe old age has also not gotten any stronger. i want to enjoy my life. now. while i can and do enjoy using my body in ways i will not always be able to thanks to the inevitable entropy of the human form. and that enjoyment for me includes food that tastes good. that enjoyment includes being able to sit my ass down on my couch and become absorbed into the hilarity or drama of my latest netflix shows (this also helps me cope with the very real shit i encounter working with people dealing with mental health issues). it includes sitting and writing or composing a song. occasionally it even means dancing in the privacy of my living room, or doing one of the workout videos i have, safe from the gaze of others who might judge me. sometimes it includes masturbating to mimic the sensations that i seldom experience with another person because there is a scarcity of men my age in my town who are revolutionary enough to see beauty and sex appeal in a woman who does not fit the socially prescribed definition of what is hot. point being--it's my body, and it's okay if you don't want it. i don't have to share it with you. and the person i do share it with will appreciate it. like i do. maybe better.
eventually i'm sure i will meet another one of those kinds of men. who appreciates me exactly the way i am, and seeks to support my growth and development according to the goals i have for myself, based on the fact that they respect my perspective and trust that i will do what i feel is best for my happiness. and until then, i will wake up each day, attempt to hush the voices in my head that echo statements like the one at the picnic table yesterday, and carry on making a difference in the world that ultimately does not care how i look or how much men want to fuck me, because what will be remembered is my character, my work, the ways i've shared my energy with those around me. not the extra cushion on my bones, or the appeal of my pussy. my ability to help others heal and grow is not hindered by the "extra" pounds i carry with me, and i hope that some day my peace of mind is also no longer hindered by such shallow, ignorant ideas.
understand i will never change my appearance to satisfy some preexisting idea of what it means to look hot. and if that means i'll continue to spend more time single, or that i'll die a little sooner, so fucking be it. i will not change for anyone or anything outside of myself. and the type of person i want to be with will be the type who challenges preconceived notions of what it means to look good.
fat is beautiful too. so fuck you for being so small-minded that you can't understand that. and thank you to those of you who get it, and who, in loving men and women whom others have deemed unlovable, perpetuate the revolution of thought necessary to keep us out of the dark ages.
fat is beautiful too. so fuck you for being so small-minded that you can't understand that. and thank you to those of you who get it, and who, in loving men and women whom others have deemed unlovable, perpetuate the revolution of thought necessary to keep us out of the dark ages.
now...enough with this internalization of negative thinking. i've got to get back to loving myself.
Comments
Post a Comment