springtime

it is april 23rd. almost 1 o'clock in the afternoon. most of the chores are done, and i am taking a break, sitting on the new futon couch on marci's side of the back porch. the cats are wandering around, the kitten meowing occasionally because she wants to go out. birds are chirping and singing. a light breeze rustles the dead leaves and dried stems of last year's growth. there is a stack of the last year's pizza boxes next to my old boxspring, cluttering my side of the porch, things to be added to the fire when people aren't sitting around it. tina is gazing into the back yeard from the card table in the front corner, breaking her stance to scratch behind her ear. this is mindfulness, to me. just sitting and enjoying my space, feeling grateful for what i have when i am constantly reminded of what i have not.

in class the other day, in our small groups, we avoided the question of what gives our lives meaning, and shared instead summaries of our spiritual evolutions. it was the kind of class activity that makes me excited to be in college. and the kind of conversation that sticks with me, sliding around in my mind, bumping into other thoughts, associations, observations, interpretations. i do have to remind myself from time to time what meaning i've assigned to my life. because regardless of whether or not there is some higher power or purpose at play, i have to have reasons to get out of bed each day. and many, many times i wake ready to do all the things. other days, i need a little extra something to at least pretend i don't feel the utter senselessness of it all, the absurdity of the society we've constructed.

i was thinking about why traditional concepts of god and morality bother me: because if there is a power, all-knowing, all-seeing, then it is not something limited to our binary system of right and wrong, either or. those concepts are world-specific, and this is one of but many possible worlds. so to think that some...being has the desire to judge us, test us, frighten or compel us to love is simply limited. illogical. if some being exists, it is beyond our comprehension, and it is still, then, up to us to figure shit out. that's a heavy task. but there are so many of us who can work together. so many who can reclaim strength in the face of daily obstacles, capitalistic corruption, and a never-ending stream of ideas that push against that strength. i fight against the weight of hopelessness with the determination that comes from the gratitude, the joy i encounter and feel in this life. it is not a matter of better days versus worse, or good memories versus bad. it's the times like this moment now, when i do have a chance to acknowledge the peace in the part of me that has already transcended the bullshit. when the life around me less burdened by a complex mind demonstrates how to simply be.