just above the poverty line?
i have definitely scored some high-quality second-hand appliances thanks to thrift stores and consignment shops in affluent areas. my friend was suggesting to me that i pick up a new food processor at such a place, and i had posted a response comment about not being able to afford getting anything right now, but then deleted it, because i do worry about people not understanding what i mean by that...and it kind of sent me into a spiral of thoughts, but it's sunday, my day off (yippee!), and fortunately i'm able to follow through with those spirals and make sure they un-spiral. now, it's probably due to the fact that i have yet to interact with another person (i mean speak, specifically) today, but i just needed to vent a moment. i've been thinking a lot lately about consumerism--it's something i think i come back to repeatedly just because we live in a capitalist society--but specifically about how my inability to participate more in consumerism makes me feel like a failure, despite the fact that i like how particular i am about what i spend my money on, including the ways that it impacts the environment, and despite the fact that i realize that money can't buy happiness/i'm not materialistic, but i enjoy the luxuries i've acquired. now, i've never had a lot of money, and i don't come from a family that ever did either, but i am definitely more poor at this point in my life than i have been at other times. and people will say things to reassure me, like "but you're a student right now, and students are always poor," or "but it's just temporary," and both of those things are true. but i also wonder about how my spending habits will change once i am, hopefully, making more money. and in the meantime, right now, i earn less than is necessary to pay all of my bills. which results in a regular rotation of bill collectors who call and leave voicemails until i resolve a missed payment. it's a constant game of deciding what bills i absolutely need to pay, and feeling guilty when i do spend money on food for myself because i haven't paid that other bill yet. i rarely can buy groceries, so i grab food here and there on the go, or order extra large orders from the chinese place so that it lasts me a few days. i've attempted to sign up for food stamps, and because of the pain-in-the-ass nature of the process, i just deal with not eating like a healthy person. and i'm not starving, by any means. my family and friends help to make sure of that too. but the point is, that's how little i have to spend. i can afford to buy gas for my car, cigarettes (which i realize is still a luxury item), food, and that's it. i have no extra, no savings. my paychecks are spent before i get them, though i do somehow manage to keep my bank account above zero. it's awful. it's stressful. money is one of the things i stress about most. and what makes me really feel bad about not having it is how it does infringe upon my ability to do simple things. like go visit friends in pittsburgh whom i rarely get to see. or go buy a new toilet seat because the one i have is breaking. or go to a concert. or buy a friend a birthday gift. or drive anywhere that isn't within ten-mile radius. and dating? don't get me started on how difficult it is to date when you're poor.
now, to further understand this, you also have to understand what i do with my time, because one might question why i don't just work more and make more money. so let me explain. i am in school full time. this semester, i have class three nights a week, and during the days Tuesday through Thursday, i work on homework, spending anywhere from two to eight hours studying. Monday and Wednesday morning, i teach a class in cranberry (hence the gas money), which is a half hour away. the class is early, at 8, so it doesn't conflict with the classes i'm taking, nor do i have to work at my other job the days that i teach. Friday, i have training for my degree, from 2-4 on campus, then i work at the gas station from 5:15 to 11:15. Saturday, i work from 2:15 to 11:15. Sunday is my only real day off, and if i use my time responsibly, i still end up doing prep work for my Monday morning class. oftentimes i wake up a couple hours before i have to get ready to teach and do my work for that class then, when my mind can more easily focus on that task. i've compartmentalized the times my brain needs to focus its attention, because otherwise it's more difficult not to feel overwhelmed. so i have two jobs and am in school (basically, a third job). i have one day off a week, which allows me to maintain some semblence of sanity. i make time for friends and myself during the week. the schedule works for me. i manage. so i also have little time to do extracurricular things.
on one hand, i don't have the time to spend my money doing things. on the other hand, i hate that i don't have the freedom to do more when i do have the time for it. and the only time it really gets to me is when i worry about people not understanding or judging me. i'm a single woman, with no kids, living alone. to a lot of people, i should have all the time in the world to get shit done. and that might be the case if i were earning enough to sustain a healthy, financially responsible lifestyle. but i'm not. and i hate how when people ask me to do things, i have to really consider whether or not i can afford it. i hate that requesting off a friday or saturday to go to my friend's daughter's birthday party means that i have even less money to eat that next week. i hate that i can't make it to parties in pittsburgh because i can't justify spending the gas and beer money when my utilities aren't caught up.
but i know this is temporary. things will get better. that's a huge part of the reason i went back to school--so that i could earn more in a field that is better-suited for my needs and desires in terms of professional work. granted, it is likely that i will continue to struggle once i am working in a new field, because the chances of me landing a full-time position out the gate are slim. still, there's hope. and now that i have been living this way, i know that i can. it sucks. but i can do it. and i don't want to feel guilty for being poor. i know it isn't as though i'm not doing anything to better my situation. it isn't as though i haven't taken steps. but there's only so much i can do on my own. and there's only so much i can do even with the help that others provide. i'm tired of getting angry when people ask if i can do things. and i don't quite understand why i get angry. i guess it's because i just want everyone to understand where i am in my life, but i also don't want to have to explain. vomit a rant like this detailing how much i do and how little i have. i just want friends to understand that i'd rather them just come visit. it's free. i don't want them paying for me. i don't want to feel bad that i can never afford to pay for myself. and i don't want to feel bad that i'm not a more active part of their lives. i try to keep in touch with people online or by phone, because the cost of that is one of the few things i can keep up with. well, most of the time.
and i want to be able not to spiral into these thoughts when people make a simple suggestion that has nothing to do with my socio-economic status. some day. i hope.
now, to further understand this, you also have to understand what i do with my time, because one might question why i don't just work more and make more money. so let me explain. i am in school full time. this semester, i have class three nights a week, and during the days Tuesday through Thursday, i work on homework, spending anywhere from two to eight hours studying. Monday and Wednesday morning, i teach a class in cranberry (hence the gas money), which is a half hour away. the class is early, at 8, so it doesn't conflict with the classes i'm taking, nor do i have to work at my other job the days that i teach. Friday, i have training for my degree, from 2-4 on campus, then i work at the gas station from 5:15 to 11:15. Saturday, i work from 2:15 to 11:15. Sunday is my only real day off, and if i use my time responsibly, i still end up doing prep work for my Monday morning class. oftentimes i wake up a couple hours before i have to get ready to teach and do my work for that class then, when my mind can more easily focus on that task. i've compartmentalized the times my brain needs to focus its attention, because otherwise it's more difficult not to feel overwhelmed. so i have two jobs and am in school (basically, a third job). i have one day off a week, which allows me to maintain some semblence of sanity. i make time for friends and myself during the week. the schedule works for me. i manage. so i also have little time to do extracurricular things.
on one hand, i don't have the time to spend my money doing things. on the other hand, i hate that i don't have the freedom to do more when i do have the time for it. and the only time it really gets to me is when i worry about people not understanding or judging me. i'm a single woman, with no kids, living alone. to a lot of people, i should have all the time in the world to get shit done. and that might be the case if i were earning enough to sustain a healthy, financially responsible lifestyle. but i'm not. and i hate how when people ask me to do things, i have to really consider whether or not i can afford it. i hate that requesting off a friday or saturday to go to my friend's daughter's birthday party means that i have even less money to eat that next week. i hate that i can't make it to parties in pittsburgh because i can't justify spending the gas and beer money when my utilities aren't caught up.
but i know this is temporary. things will get better. that's a huge part of the reason i went back to school--so that i could earn more in a field that is better-suited for my needs and desires in terms of professional work. granted, it is likely that i will continue to struggle once i am working in a new field, because the chances of me landing a full-time position out the gate are slim. still, there's hope. and now that i have been living this way, i know that i can. it sucks. but i can do it. and i don't want to feel guilty for being poor. i know it isn't as though i'm not doing anything to better my situation. it isn't as though i haven't taken steps. but there's only so much i can do on my own. and there's only so much i can do even with the help that others provide. i'm tired of getting angry when people ask if i can do things. and i don't quite understand why i get angry. i guess it's because i just want everyone to understand where i am in my life, but i also don't want to have to explain. vomit a rant like this detailing how much i do and how little i have. i just want friends to understand that i'd rather them just come visit. it's free. i don't want them paying for me. i don't want to feel bad that i can never afford to pay for myself. and i don't want to feel bad that i'm not a more active part of their lives. i try to keep in touch with people online or by phone, because the cost of that is one of the few things i can keep up with. well, most of the time.
and i want to be able not to spiral into these thoughts when people make a simple suggestion that has nothing to do with my socio-economic status. some day. i hope.
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