...cha cha cha.

it is important to let it all out.

inhale the good shit, exhale the bad shit, as they say.

i've felt tired all day, and i've had diarrhea.  so it seemed an appropriate time to indulge in logorrhea.

the tasks at hand include, but are not limited to:

getting over bob
getting back on track in school
taking care of medical issues

those are not listed in order of importance, though they might be in order of which preoccupies my thoughts the most.

with regard to the first--i'm doing well.  i decided to see what happens if i put myself out there, and so far the results have been fun.  i'm enjoying getting to know new people, and considering sharing my body with them.
i was thinking today about how comfortable i was with bob, and it brought me back to the idea of just being comfortable.  so then i wondered if there was any real connection, or if the comfort i felt was mistaken for mutual connectedness.  i don't think i completely imagined a connection.  but i also believe that it serves me best to interact with people with whom i feel at ease.  the first date that i had last week was amicable, and even seemed to have some lust potential, but after two other visits with the same person, i did not feel at all like i could...fuck him.  and while he claimed to be empathic, and attributed my lack of interest to a fear of trying something new, i was pretty certain he was an asshole for trying to persuade me to sleep with him, and for not respecting the way that i felt.  regardless, it felt right being honest with him.

if anything, every relationship i've had has allowed me to refine my ability to communicate honestly, with myself and with another person.  it is definitely one of my goals to become a better communicator, and that applies to relationships across the board, not just with people i could potentially sleep with.

i would love to believe that bob wants me to be in his life.  but with the way he is behaving, it is hard to do that.  i'd like to think that he is too scared of harboring feelings for me that interacting with me puts him at risk of falling for me, and that his fear of what that might mean is what's caused him to want to pull away.  but it really does not matter in terms of what i need to do for myself right now.  and that includes actively pursuing other potential forms of companionship, since i've finally admitted to myself that that is something i am interested in, at least for the weekends.  someone who can come spend time with me and my friends, and stay for extra alone time with me.  someone who has plenty to do during the week, but looks forward to unwinding with me.  someone who doesn't mind coming here.  someone who is content with that while we continue working on the other aspects of our lives.  and yes, with the potential of growing into something more serious, but with the understanding that there is no rush, and as long as things work, they work.  we shall see what unfolds with the new people i'm meeting.

with regard to the second task, i made progress earlier in the week, and plan to do a bunch more reading on monday, when i have an extra day off from school and only a therapy appointment to go to.  i am trying not to stress out about everything that i have to do, but to address things in smaller chunks of immediate necessity, as i tend to do with everything.

and with regard to the last task, i'm continuing my soaks, being careful in the shower not to let the soap irritate my anus, and avoiding sitting for too long directly on my ass.

so i feel like i am exactly where i need to be.

it's been glorious having a few days off in a row.  i've been able to clean, spend time talking with friends, listen to new music, and simply enjoy the comfort of my cozy home.  today is the vernal equinox, and spring arrives, as it usually does here, with lots of rain.  but it is good to know the temperature will steadily rise, and that the earth with thaw and turn green.  i like the feeling of rebirth, and since last thursday, i've felt well on my way to a new upswing of the cycle.  i'm always happy when i prove to be resilient.  and always feel accomplished once i've succeeded in overcoming the threat of despair,  no matter the trigger.  i've been emotional and hormonal, but also introspective and creative, and so once again i am happy to be who i am and to use the outlets i've identified as soothingly wonderful.

now i need to get dressed so that i can go into town for some water.  ah, country livin.