checking in on a monday
feb. 24, 2014
so...here's where i'm at.
still processing the deaths that have affected me in various ways, from the young customer who died of an overdose to the old acquaintance who had a heart attack, and even to my godmother, whose death i still have a hard time accepting although it's been nearly two years since she passed.
fAe asked me yesterday if i ever talk to my dad. and i told him that i do, especially when i feel a little lost or helpless. sometimes i ask him to send me winning lottery numbers in a dream, but that hasn't worked yet. most of the time, i just ask him to provide me with some sort of assurance when it gets too hot in the kitchen and i refuse to get out. it's comforting to think that tricia and dad as well as other loved ones are able to enjoy each other's company somewhere on the other side, though i'm not sure how this idea works with my thoughts about reincarnation and personal heavens. i do feel like the people i love are watching over me. and on days when i haven't made any effort to reach out to anyone but suddenly lots of friends are contacting me to check and see how i'm doing, i feel like the universe or those elevated souls have played a part in encouraging those friends to do so.
i have my first therapy appointment today since before christmas. there's so much on my mind, i was having a hard time deciding what to talk about. well, that's not really true. i know i'm going to talk about bob. i'm also still processing what has happened with him, and it's more difficult to come to any conclusions without being able to speak with him. but i am trying to be courteous of the time he needs to get his own mind right.
there are things that i've had to admit to myself, that i know will still be difficult to admit to him. and while i want to be as honest and open as possible, i also know that i won't disclose everything going on in my head depending on what he has to say. again--i don't want to fuck up the natural progression of our relationship. but i fear that if we both want different things from this relationship, then we won't be able to continue the way we started. it's frustrating when part of me feels like he was overreacting. or just phrasing things poorly. to say that we need to slow down and take a break when i didn't feel we were rushing. i didn't feel i was putting any pressure on him. i didn't feel like i had asked too much of him. and maybe it has nothing to do with me--maybe the stress that he's coping with is mostly from other areas of his life, in which case i wish he would have just said that, and explained that he needed time to address those other areas, rather than making me feel like being involved with me was simply too much for him to handle. but i don't want to slow down. i don't mind not being able to see each other every weekend, but i also don't want to only see him once or twice a month. and i'd like, for once, to be involved with someone who doesn't have to shut me out to deal with things. but i realize that for him, sharing what he's going through is something that qualifies as more "serious." and if he's trying to avoid becoming too serious, then i get why he had to do his own thing and exclude me from the process. le sigh. what will be will be...
i'm so grateful that my mornings on days i have class are my own. i wake, take my medicine, do the dishes, drink my coffee, have my first cigarette, and then work on homework or write. it's a luxury i know i won't always have, so i try to make the most of it while i can. it's funny--there have been a few times in my life now that i've thought "i won't always be able to do this," and so i've made sure to appreciate and take advantage while it lasts. i feel like i have definitely not let work be the center of my life. my friends and family and alone time still take up a good deal of my time, and i feel lucky to be able to have the ability to choose to be poor (for now) so that i can enjoy the time i have outside of school and work. because i'm not teaching this semester, i have even more "free" time, which was an unexpected blessing considering how much i've had to deal with emotionally this semester already.
i get annoyed sometimes that people think that i am so together. i mean--i am. i'm very self-aware. i've very conscious of the role that my own ego plays in my reactions, and i try very hard to react from a rational, considerate, loving place. but i know what a surprise it was for rachel to get my freak-out text the other day, because she didn't think i freaked out. the truth is that i have mini-breakdowns all the time. and i really do think that having those allows me not to have major meltdowns. but it's silly for people to think that i don't have my sad days. for people to think that i'm always on the sunny side of life. if they understood what sadness used to pervade my mind, they'd realize that i've had to work hard to get to the mindset where i am, and that old habits die hard in my case as well, so there are still times when i feel consumed by a sense of hopelessness. most of the time it's just that i reach a point of emotional exhaustion. then the fantasies of driving off the road start, and eventually i get to the part where i think about all the people who'd be devastated if i weren't here. and then i get mad that i'm pushing on for other people's sake rather than my own. then i scorn myself for forgetting how much i do love life, even with all its painful thorns. it is both empowering and aggravating that my heart has not developed callouses. when it hurts, it still hurts deeply; i am always able to keep moving forward. but i still have days i just want to be held. i don't need to be told it's all going to be okay, because sometimes it isn't. but i still want to be comforted with the strength of an embrace. that's the thing about spending most of one's adult life single--you don't get the kind of hug you want. you get it from friends. and family. but not from someone who's interested in battling through the bullshit with you. and that's okay. i know it's okay. i know i'm okay. it's just tiring.
when i was at jenny lee's party, chicken asked if it was true that i had never been in love. to spare her the details, i just explained that it had never happened. i do fall in love with people all of the time, but it was never reciprocal. the people who've loved me back in that way are few and far between. technically, bob arrived in my life a bit early to keep the pattern of a boyfriend every ten years consistent, but then he isn't my boyfriend, and maybe by the time i'm 34 there will be someone else. it'll be hard for the next guy. the most recent men i've dated have confirmed that my standards are not too high--that there are men out there who can appreciate me the way they should. who are evolved. who are communicative. who are loving in the ways i need them to be. they've ensured that i don't have to lower my standards, and they've provided me with a taste of what it can be like when i do meet someone at or above where my relationship bar is set. but i have to remind myself that romance was never my goal. something i want, yes. something that provides me with more ways to learn, absolutely. but my primary concern is being able to take care of myself. and i don't want any old habits to get in the way of my doing that.
so here's to independence. here's to making it through the rough stuff yet again. here's to having the strength of mind and will to push forward despite the cynicism threatening to darken my smile. here's to embracing life even when there is no one embracing me. i am and will be alright, even when the tears are too heavy to hold in.
so...here's where i'm at.
still processing the deaths that have affected me in various ways, from the young customer who died of an overdose to the old acquaintance who had a heart attack, and even to my godmother, whose death i still have a hard time accepting although it's been nearly two years since she passed.
fAe asked me yesterday if i ever talk to my dad. and i told him that i do, especially when i feel a little lost or helpless. sometimes i ask him to send me winning lottery numbers in a dream, but that hasn't worked yet. most of the time, i just ask him to provide me with some sort of assurance when it gets too hot in the kitchen and i refuse to get out. it's comforting to think that tricia and dad as well as other loved ones are able to enjoy each other's company somewhere on the other side, though i'm not sure how this idea works with my thoughts about reincarnation and personal heavens. i do feel like the people i love are watching over me. and on days when i haven't made any effort to reach out to anyone but suddenly lots of friends are contacting me to check and see how i'm doing, i feel like the universe or those elevated souls have played a part in encouraging those friends to do so.
i have my first therapy appointment today since before christmas. there's so much on my mind, i was having a hard time deciding what to talk about. well, that's not really true. i know i'm going to talk about bob. i'm also still processing what has happened with him, and it's more difficult to come to any conclusions without being able to speak with him. but i am trying to be courteous of the time he needs to get his own mind right.
there are things that i've had to admit to myself, that i know will still be difficult to admit to him. and while i want to be as honest and open as possible, i also know that i won't disclose everything going on in my head depending on what he has to say. again--i don't want to fuck up the natural progression of our relationship. but i fear that if we both want different things from this relationship, then we won't be able to continue the way we started. it's frustrating when part of me feels like he was overreacting. or just phrasing things poorly. to say that we need to slow down and take a break when i didn't feel we were rushing. i didn't feel i was putting any pressure on him. i didn't feel like i had asked too much of him. and maybe it has nothing to do with me--maybe the stress that he's coping with is mostly from other areas of his life, in which case i wish he would have just said that, and explained that he needed time to address those other areas, rather than making me feel like being involved with me was simply too much for him to handle. but i don't want to slow down. i don't mind not being able to see each other every weekend, but i also don't want to only see him once or twice a month. and i'd like, for once, to be involved with someone who doesn't have to shut me out to deal with things. but i realize that for him, sharing what he's going through is something that qualifies as more "serious." and if he's trying to avoid becoming too serious, then i get why he had to do his own thing and exclude me from the process. le sigh. what will be will be...
i'm so grateful that my mornings on days i have class are my own. i wake, take my medicine, do the dishes, drink my coffee, have my first cigarette, and then work on homework or write. it's a luxury i know i won't always have, so i try to make the most of it while i can. it's funny--there have been a few times in my life now that i've thought "i won't always be able to do this," and so i've made sure to appreciate and take advantage while it lasts. i feel like i have definitely not let work be the center of my life. my friends and family and alone time still take up a good deal of my time, and i feel lucky to be able to have the ability to choose to be poor (for now) so that i can enjoy the time i have outside of school and work. because i'm not teaching this semester, i have even more "free" time, which was an unexpected blessing considering how much i've had to deal with emotionally this semester already.
i get annoyed sometimes that people think that i am so together. i mean--i am. i'm very self-aware. i've very conscious of the role that my own ego plays in my reactions, and i try very hard to react from a rational, considerate, loving place. but i know what a surprise it was for rachel to get my freak-out text the other day, because she didn't think i freaked out. the truth is that i have mini-breakdowns all the time. and i really do think that having those allows me not to have major meltdowns. but it's silly for people to think that i don't have my sad days. for people to think that i'm always on the sunny side of life. if they understood what sadness used to pervade my mind, they'd realize that i've had to work hard to get to the mindset where i am, and that old habits die hard in my case as well, so there are still times when i feel consumed by a sense of hopelessness. most of the time it's just that i reach a point of emotional exhaustion. then the fantasies of driving off the road start, and eventually i get to the part where i think about all the people who'd be devastated if i weren't here. and then i get mad that i'm pushing on for other people's sake rather than my own. then i scorn myself for forgetting how much i do love life, even with all its painful thorns. it is both empowering and aggravating that my heart has not developed callouses. when it hurts, it still hurts deeply; i am always able to keep moving forward. but i still have days i just want to be held. i don't need to be told it's all going to be okay, because sometimes it isn't. but i still want to be comforted with the strength of an embrace. that's the thing about spending most of one's adult life single--you don't get the kind of hug you want. you get it from friends. and family. but not from someone who's interested in battling through the bullshit with you. and that's okay. i know it's okay. i know i'm okay. it's just tiring.
when i was at jenny lee's party, chicken asked if it was true that i had never been in love. to spare her the details, i just explained that it had never happened. i do fall in love with people all of the time, but it was never reciprocal. the people who've loved me back in that way are few and far between. technically, bob arrived in my life a bit early to keep the pattern of a boyfriend every ten years consistent, but then he isn't my boyfriend, and maybe by the time i'm 34 there will be someone else. it'll be hard for the next guy. the most recent men i've dated have confirmed that my standards are not too high--that there are men out there who can appreciate me the way they should. who are evolved. who are communicative. who are loving in the ways i need them to be. they've ensured that i don't have to lower my standards, and they've provided me with a taste of what it can be like when i do meet someone at or above where my relationship bar is set. but i have to remind myself that romance was never my goal. something i want, yes. something that provides me with more ways to learn, absolutely. but my primary concern is being able to take care of myself. and i don't want any old habits to get in the way of my doing that.
so here's to independence. here's to making it through the rough stuff yet again. here's to having the strength of mind and will to push forward despite the cynicism threatening to darken my smile. here's to embracing life even when there is no one embracing me. i am and will be alright, even when the tears are too heavy to hold in.
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