the consequences of dating

people don't realize that when they speak to me, i am really paying attention.  i have to.  because in order to make sense of what they're saying, i'm going to need to remember it after we've finished talking.  i need time to process, to interpret, to understand.  there's a lot that manages to find its way into writing, simply because i don't want to forget.  but i am aware of how much i've lost track of.  how many conversations have faded out of mind to make way for new information.

i'm on the phone with brad.  he's telling me about work, and i'm listening, but i'm waiting for him to get to the real reason we're on the phone together.  we've been dating for a couple weeks; things have been going great.  but he got a job offer monday that would require him to move out of state.  the chances of his moving to take the opportunity are pretty high.  even though we've only been talking for a couple weeks, when i read the text he sends with this news, i immediately started crying.  the trend with all of my relationhips has been that they stop before they have a chance to become something more than "dating," and no matter how many times it happens, i am always devastated and angry at fate for setting me up for disappointment just when i feel i've glued my ego back together from the last heartache.

he finally gets to the issue.  he's talking about moving, and how he can stay with his uncle, and how he knows people there.  so he won't be totally alone.  and he's a loner anyway, he says, so he's okay with being alone.

i've adopted this phrase recently (it came about in a poem i wrote for the last guy who disappointed me): the solo traveler.  it refers to the idea that we are all alone, that we move through life encountering all sorts of characters along the way to our end, but that we still remain individuals who carry within them a loneliness.  this loneliness is stronger at certain points in our lives than others.

when i was younger, i spent a lot of time alone.  it was how i explored what was going on in my head, my body, and my heart.  i relished the opportunity to sit in my bedroom on my futon, listen to Portishead on repeat, and put together strings of words that gave me goosebumps or conveyed what i was feeling (after i'd finished my homework, of course).  i had friends; it was easy to make friends.  but i was terribly lonely.  my loneliness as a teenager was very much a result of the socially implicit lie that everyone should have someone, romantically.  i wanted so much to be able to relate to the stories of making out with boyfriends, taking pictures in photo booths, holding hands, stealing kisses between classes near the lockers in the hallways at school, or sneaking out to cut class together.  i had, as many teens to, low self-esteem because i did not fit the stereotype of "hot."  i knew i was smart, but smart didn't win the attention of the cute boy in my art class.  so my loneliness was a result of feeling deprived of this seemingly common phenomenon of boyfriends and girlfriends and hormonally driven companionship.

as i got older, i began to discredit the one boyfriend i did have in high school.  i was fourteen, and he'd been eighteen, and i didn't consider that a "real" relationship as i entered college, because i recognized how immature i had been, and how limited my expectations for the relationship were, how wrong i'd been about what i thought i wanted, and what i thought i was ready for.  i knew i wasn't ready, and i entered into my twenties with a sense of carefree self-exploration that rejected the pressure to choose one boy or girl to give my heart to.  i had more important things to think about, like assignments for college English, the variety pack of beer i was getting for my birthday, or the poem i'd pieced together in the lobby between classes.  i still felt the pressure to be with someone, but i understood that it was not based in anything but custom, hormones, and marketing.  i didn't need someone to be happy.  i didn't need a boyfriend to be a whole person.  i didn't need to be in a relationship to fulfill my duties as a young woman in college.  so i didn't pursue any relationships.

it was about this time that i first met brad.  we became acquainted through a group of friends that one of my other friends had introduced me to.  they were the first people i'd really been able to let loose around.  i'd been through some traumatic things in high school, and had developed a desire never to lose control of a situation.  so when substances were involved, i only let myself go the the point of feeling fucked up.  never past that to the point of blacked out.  i've still never had trouble recalling the events of a party, though they may take some time to make sense of.  i never did anything under the influence that was not something i wanted to do sober.  but this was the first group of people i'd met with whom i felt i could let go a little more.  it was a safe environment.  everyone was friendly, warm, welcoming.  they were also often on ecstasy, a drug i waited a little longer to try.  one of my favorite memories from hanging out with the group was on a night when we'd all ended up at charlene's apartment because the cops had busted up another party across town.  at some point, char had gone into the kitchen, but when she realized we were out of booze, she parked it in the kitchen floor to lament the end of our party supply.  one by one, more of us went to the kitchen and sat in the floor with her.  somehow, though i can't remember who started it, two people started making out.  it wasn't a romantic gesture; it was just something they felt like doing.  soon enough we were all kissing each other, and it was my first sexual group experience.  as some couples did pair off and disappear to more private locations within the apartment, i felt alone again.  but i left still reeling from the high of a fun new experience with these fun new people.

within that group, there was only one person with whom i was able to maintain a connection over the years.  she and i don't talk regularly, but when we do have the chance to catch up, i feel just as comfortable with her now as i did then.  sometimes i feel like she might have been the one who got away, but most of the time i am just grateful that she and i had the chance to cross paths and share some crazy experiences at a crazy time in our lives.

i can't remember if i had kissed brad on that night.  probably.  but it was some time before he and i started hooking up.  i'd call him, usually after i'd been drinking, and go over to his apartment (he and char ended up getting a place together).  we were friends, but our sexual involvement was a no-strings deal.  and when he did meet a girl he wanted to take a shot at a relationship with, he let me know and i respected his choice.  i remember wondering why i didn't want more from him, because even then he was such a great guy.  but i also remember being determined not to get hurt, and if that meant denying myself emotional attachment, then that's what i did.  it was the first time in my life i had made a conscious decision not to get emotionally involved--to allow myself sexual exploration without the complication of emotions.  since i kept our involvement limited, i didn't have the chance to develop stronger feelings for brad, and it didn't sting when he told me that he was interested in someone for something deeper than sex.

we eventually lost touch.  as i continued to pursue my degree, brad ended up moving back home.  this was before the days of facebook (or even myspace), so after i had changed cell phones, i lost his number, and there were other candidates who would allow me to continue my self-exploration.

what brad went through in the period of time immediately after he left slippery rock...well, he hit a rough patch.  he'd made poor decisions, as so many of us do when we're young and looking for answers.  when we spoke about it, he admitted that he was unhappy.  and i know too well how sadness can lead us down paths that only take us further away from happiness.  he was able to overcome his obstacles and get his life back on track.

after i graduated with my bachelor's, there was a period of time i just worked.  i made enough money to cover my bills, but the job itself was not what i wanted to be doing.  so i ended up going back to school for a higher degree, believing that it would help me find a job more suited for my passions and interests.

going into my fifth year teaching english courses at a community college, i reconnected with brad.  it is only within the past year that i have opened myself up to the possibility of being in a relationship.  after i had finally accepted that emotional involvement was something i could handle, i still had a hard time believing it was possible for me to love someone.  i have a joke about being a jedi who is not allowed to fall in love.  of course i want to find companionship just like anyone else, but i'm only at the point now when i feel i am able to A) make the time necessary to build a relationship, and B) let someone in without worrying about being hurt.  i've always been an open person, and i know my heart's capacity to love.  but the platonic relationships i've built are not as threatening as really giving my heart to one person.  that still frightens me, but i'm willing to try because i know that if i am going to find companionship, i have to start getting in the water.

for two weeks, brad and i kept in regular contact.  he'd call me in the evenings, and text me throughout the days.  we had a chance to hang out a few times, and each time i could feel myself falling a little more, opening up my heart a little more, and letting myself enjoy all the emotions that went along with becoming closer with another person, both emotionally and physically.  brad and i shared the characteristics that were essential to me:  he is kind, fun, a good person, and knows who he is and what he wants.  when we began talking, neither of us was exactly where we wanted to be in life.  we are both struggling financially and trying to figure out the next step.  he'd make comments like, "we can be poor together...as long as we're happy."  and my heart just fluttered, feeling as though i had finally found someone to get through the bullshit with.

a week ago, i was anxious to see brad.  he'd gotten a migraine on a thursday that lasted through monday.  on my way home from classes on tuesday, i got a text message from him.  his uncle had called him with a job offer that would require him to move out of state.  upon reading and absorbing the full meaning of the message, i started bawling.  i was devastated.  not because he'd been given an opportunity, but because it seemed to mean that our involvement would be cut short.  halted before it had a chance to develop.  it was the second time in six months that the breaks had been put on a relationship, and this time was worse than the first because brad was everything i wanted.  he's emotionally available, looking for the same kind of companionship and love that i am.  i texted him back once i'd gained composure a little, and told him that i would like to talk more about it, even though i knew he had to do what was best for him.  i told him i understood he had to do what he had to do, and that that would be true even if we'd been seeing each other for a longer period of time.  what i didn't say was that i wouldn't mind living in virginia beach, where the job was.  i was scared of freaking him out, which reflected my doubts about how strongly he felt about me.

the texts, our interactions all said that he was into me.  but after that text, i began to doubt how he felt.  it wasn't until the next day that we were finally able to speak on the phone.  he sounded like he'd already made up his mind about me.  "i just have to do me," he said, "and i just hope you understand."  i did.  but that didn't change the fact that i was crushed.  i knew we couldn't maintain a long-distance relationship; that would be too difficult for either of us.  i kept hoping he'd ask me to follow him to virginia.  the last thing i had a chance to say before we were interrupted was, "if you call me up later and ask me to come down there, don't think i wouldn't jump."

"you wouldn't?" he asked.  of course i'd phrased it that way, to make it confusing.  my brain was reeling.
"no, i will.  i would come down there..." and our conversation was cut short there because of the police car pulling into his driveway.  he said he'd try to call me later, but he never did.

that was the last time we spoke.  there are so many things going through my mind.  like, was he lying about how he felt about me?  did the prospect of moving to another state make it easy for him to let go of me?  or does he want to keep his distance to avoid the pain of separation?  how does he feel knowing that i would go after him?  that i'd be willing to relocate to see if we could work?  it's so difficult not being able to speak to him, but i know that he needs some time to straighten his own mind out and figure out what's going on with the job.

in my initial efforts to wrap my head and heart around what was happening, i called on my friends.  after we'd gotten off the phone wednesday, i started crying again.  i felt crazy--why was this happening?  why didn't the universe seem to want me to be with someone?  how could he just walk away from me?  how could he turn off what he'd been feeling?  was it easy for him to shift his energies completely?  didn't he care how i felt?  these were questions that simply ran circles in my mind.  brad texted me on thursday in response to a couple messages i'd sent him.  i told him i didn't want to distract him, but made it clear that i still wanted to keep in contact.  he replied asking me to make sure i kept the news about his job quiet.  he didn't want his family to know until he knew for sure what was going to happen.  he'd be going in a couple weeks to virginia to check out the job in person.  after that, he'd have a better sense of what was going on.

out of the people i'd talked to, there was only one who i knew had a connection that could lead back to brad's brother finding out.  so i contacted her to let her know not to say anything, and she completely understood, and reassured me that she'd be quiet about it  i hadn't taken into consideration that brad's brother's girlfriend's sister sometimes came to the bars in slippery rock on the weekends.  that friday, my neighbor, who i also had told, ran into the sister at the bar.  when the sister asked how brad and i were doing, bethie responded by telling her about the job offer.

the next day, i got an angry message from brad.  "so...i just got a text from my brother asking if i got a job offer in virgina.  thanks."  i was confused.  to my knowledge, i'd covered my bases.  so i started texting the people i'd told to see if it was my fault that the information had spread.  after speaking with bethie, i felt sick.  i was scared of how mad at me he was.  i texted him:  "it is my fault.  i forgot that i told my neighbor, and she ran into meli at the bar last night.  i know i fucked up, and i am so sorry."  he only responded with, "lovely."  i was at a friend's house, so the tears that were building up behind my eyes didn't find their way out.  but i was shaking, upset, and trying to process my mistake on top of what i was already trying to deal with internally.

about a year later...

it took some time for me to let go of my frustration over the whole situation, and for brad to get over being mad at me, i suspect.  once a month or so i'd send a text to him, just to let him know i was still thinking about him.  oh--and he didn't get the job in virginia.  it was hard to understand why he didn't want to pick things back up, but then again, i knew that what had happened between me admitting my feelings for him and him cutting me off would have made it awkward to proceed without a level of honesty that, apparently, he wasn't comfortable with.  some time later the next year, i got a message from him.  just asking how i was.  by that time i was essentially over what had happened, but it fed my ego to hear from him.  i questioned what it was that had prompted him to contact me, and my suspicions were confirmed once i found out he'd just "broken up" with another girl.  i realized that he, like some of the other men i'd met, was not ready for what i had to offer.  and i made the decision to allow us to fall back into our old friends-with-benefits ways.  a little while later, after we'd been in sporadic contact for a few weeks, we ended up hooking up.  it wasn't the same as when we were younger, and it was satisfying enough to push aside the fact that i knew i wanted more than just sex.  i've seen him a couple of times since then, and there is a comfort between us that is perhaps only possible because there is no pressure to build something deeper.  we know where we stand.  there is a part of me that wonders how i would respond if he ever decided to pursue me again.  could i start over, knowing that the moment shit got complicated there'd be the risk of him shutting me out?  i don't think so.  i think the chance for there to be something more came and went.  and i'm okay with that, because the momentum of my life never allows me to remain stuck on things for too long anymore.  he'll always have a place in my heart.  and i hope that we can remain a part of one another's lives, especially if we're able to really build a friendship.  but the ball is in his court, and i have other things that demand my attention and energy.  and i have let go of the unanswered questions i have for him to make room for new possibilities.  it didn't take long once i unblocked my heart again to realize there are other suitors who are, in fact, ready for what i have to offer.  i don't like thinking of dating as a game, but it is certainly not for the faint of heart.  it's important to remember, even when disappointment is at its worst, that our capacity to love is only broken if we close ourselves off to the possibility of connecting with someone new.